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Shut Up! The Prime Minister Is Listening To The Medical Experts.

Now, there have been a lot of people on social media taking swipes at Scott Morrison for giving what they consider to be inconsistent advice. Nothing could be further from the truth. He has consistently told people to do as they’re told and not to question anything… particularly if they’re a journalist from the ABC.

The Prime Minister has been taking advice from the medical experts and those people who are questioning him have no business doing so, even if they are a doctor or an immunologist because the advice the PM is taking is the best medical advice. How does he know it’s the best? Well, if it wasn’t the best he wouldn’t be taking it, would he?

It’s only those naughty people who aren’t applying social distancing that have led to this need to introduce harsher restrictions. Them, and the fact that several infected people disembarked from a cruise ship without anybody stopping them. This was a major stuff-up by the NSW government and had nothing to do with the Commonwealth because Peter Dutton is in charge of Border Force and they couldn’t do anything owing to the fact that Dutton has been following the best medical advice and washing his hands. So far, he has washed his hands of any responsibility for anything that’s happening, but he has promised to arrest anybody purchasing more than two rolls of toilet paper which he can do under the special Australian Hoarder Force powers.

However, thanks to the misinformation being put out by the ignorant and mischievous, there is some confusion about exactly what we’re meant to do, so I’ve prepared a list of Frequently Asked Questions. Not only that, I’ve also done something that the government may like to copy and provided a list of Infrequently Given Answers. Actually, any actual answer to the question asked would be a great improvement.


Why is Parliament closing?

There are two reasons for this. First, it would be unwise to have politicians travel and congregate in large numbers. Second, Parliament is an unwelcome distraction for the PM when facing such a major crisis.

Why aren’t schools closing?

The best medical advice suggests that children are largely safe from the virus and the one or two percent who have a bad reaction aren’t worth worrying about in the scheme of things.

But can’t younger people catch the virus at school and pass it on, and doesn’t the fact that many of them will be asymptomatic increase the risk that they’ll infect others?

The best medical advice says to keep the schools open and as for any suggestion that they could pass on the virus, shut up and stop being alarmist!

Why are weddings only allowed five people while funerals are allowed ten?

Simply, you only get buried once but there is no limit to the amount of weddings you may have.

Aren’t there more than five people at the PM’s press conference?

Yes, but we are looking at plans to restrict future pressers to five. This includes the PM, the CMO, the PM’s press secretary, an AFP officer and the journalist chosen after they all submit their questions for pre-approval.

Why are hairdressers allowed to stay open?

This is an essential service because Bronwyn Bishop said she would just die if she couldn’t get her hair set. However, all hairdressers need to apply appropriate social distancing protocols and stay at least 1.5 metres from any customer so there should be no chance of passing on the virus.

Are shopping centres closed?

The simple answer is: Yes. However, they should close if they have a food court, but not if the food court is a takeaway. If that’s the case then the food may be sold, but it may not be eaten at the point of sale. Where the shopping centre has an essential service such as a supermarket, a pharmacy or a brothel, then that shop may remain open, but no more than four people per square metre… or was that four metres per square person. Whichever, no more than 100 people can be inside at any time so unless you count the number of people already there and find that it’s less than that, you may not enter unless it’s an open-air mall, in which case the number is higher but still requires you keep appropriate distances from other shoppers and any children that you may have brought with you.

What should I do if I am returning from overseas?

You must self-isolate straight away without any detours like to the supermarket or the chemist. If you need anything, please just wait until the fourteen-day period is over. You should not see any relatives so don’t get them to pick you up. Take public transport because you shouldn’t be infecting the taxi or Uber driver.

With Parliament out of action until August what about vital pieces of legislation like the Ensuring Integrity Bill, the Religious Discrimination Bill and anything else that needs to be passed?

The best medical advice suggests that we shouldn’t add to people’s stress by talking about a lot of potentially divisive topics at a time like this. If Parliament were to sit there’d be a lot of yelling and people would want to bring up things that could cause PTSD like the Sports Rorts and what’s happened to the Bushfire Emergency Fund?

As children are allowed in groups of twenty or more at school, does that mean that there is no problem with them playing soccer in the park with a small group of friends?

School is an essential part of their lives, whereas going outside and exercising is a luxury that will cause them all to be struck down instantly. Please don’t make us weld your door shut like they did in China.

The PM keeps telling us that he’s happy to send his kids to school but there are reports that they aren’t actually at school…

The Prime Minister’s family is off-limits and can only be mentioned by him when he’s trying to make a political point or justify taking a holiday. For anyone else to mention them is intrusive and a violation of the unwritten code.

Speaking of unwritten, what about that “unwritten contract” with employers to rehire people when this is all over?

The government has an implicit contract which means that by giving employers the money that they will be doing everything they can to help get the government re-elected and this won’t just be in the form of donations but there’ll be a clear expectation that they give people at least one hour’s work a week to help get the unemployment numbers down.

Ok, I think that’s covered most things, but if there’s anything I’ve missed please feel free to drop Scott Morrison a line so he can clarify it in one of his daily press conferences where he tells us what a great job he’s doing and how everything would be bonza if we’d only be fair dinkum and just be Australians and do the right thing and have a go.


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  1. Baby Jewels

    Let me get this straight, businesses will be the recipients of the COVID-19 support in order for them to retain their employees, even if they were sacked on day 1?

  2. Andy56

    Listening to Mt Outram this morning, one gets the impression that he follows orders to the letter and cant think for himself. ABF only deals with immigration and customs, not health. Who writes the script? Who doesnt have a phone in the middle of an EPIDEMIC to discuss with NSW health the implications? Why didnt NSW health not THINK? here are a few more people who need to be lined up. Total fcking incompetance !!!

  3. Geoff Andrews

    One great thing about the virusy pandamonium thingy: have you noticed how all murders have ceased? We have not had a murder reported in Australia for … what is it now? 3 weeks?
    And I am reliably informed that with all the airlines grounded and people staying home, carbon emissions have been dramatically reduced to such an extent that we will not only canter home but cross the finishing line at a gallop, raising our arms in triumphant self-adulation.
    Haven’t you heard of “trickle down”?

  4. whatever

    Scotty has appointed an executive from BigMining (Fortescue) to oversee various aspects of the emergency response.
    Scotty, and most of the FrontBench, just can’t stop being undergraduate arseholes. They will never take Public Administration seriously, they will just continue their partisan – CultureWar antics while the bodies pile up.

    (Yes, Geoff Andrews. The Drought seems to have disappeared as well.)

  5. Ill fares the land

    Scotty from Marketing is, effectively, running a “mini-election campaign”. Opening the Parliament, even in a restricted manner would just get in the way of him reading from his script to boost his personal stocks as PM. He doesn’t want to give anyone else in the Parliament an opportunity to have a say – that could steal some of the credit he is so assiduously trying to claim for himself. I am in no way respectful enough of our disgrace for a PM to think that he sees this anything other than an opportunity for him. His furphy that his “COAG Cabinet” includes Labor members so is, ipso facto, balanced and bipartisan is a nonsense – his refusal to let any federal Labor politician near this is just petty partisan politics because that would require him to give credit to someone other than himself and he is pathologically incapable of that level of generosity of spirit.

    Horrifically, and this might be one reason for criticisms of Scotty from Marketing, this will probably get him re-elected – so welcome to another 4 years of incompetence, corruption, do nothing policies, more CO2 emissions and no climate change policies, back to demonising welfare recipients and returning them to poverty, maintaining policies settings that will contribute to further rises in housing prices as well as selling off what few public assets there are (the States will go on a privatisation binge as well to try and restore their finances. Great – the damage done to this country in 7 years will become the damage done to this country in 13 years.

  6. Lambshop Simcard

    Hi Geoff. It must be tough with you 3 all self isolating together in that bedsit in Elizabeth in SA.
    Best regards to Lambchop Simnel and Lambsfry.You guys are the greatest. Hope you have some board games? Stay safe!And don’t forget to lock the doors.

  7. Harry Lime

    Rossleigh,Sarcasm is frowned upon by Scotty and his hand picked stooges,and humour is a big no-no.
    Nothing like a major crisis to shine a searchlight on the pretenders.We didn’t need the Olympics after all,we have a shambles of Olympic proportions unfolding in the comfort of our lounge rooms… apart from the homeless and destitute, and the old unemployed…If you have a go,you’ll get a go.This is the bloke that lied and shouted his way into the job…worked out well hasn’t it?

  8. Vikingduk

    From a friend — internal email for RBH Royal Brisbane hospital staff

    Distinguish virus from common cold — virus causes dry, rough cough.

    Virus is typically first installed in throat causing inflammation and a feeling of dryness. This can last 3-4 days.

    The virus then travels through moisture present in the airways, down to trachea and installs in the lungs, causing pneumonia that lasts about 5-6 days.

    Pneumonia manifests with a high fever and difficulty breathing. The common cold is not accompanied, but there may be a choking sensation. Call dr. Immediately.

    Experts suggest doing this simple verification every morning: breathe in deeply, hold breath for 10 seconds. If this can be done without coughing, without difficulty, this shows that there is no fibrosis in the lungs, indicating the absence of infection. It is recommended to do this control every morning to help detect infection.


    The virus hates heat and dies if it is exposed to temps greater than 27deg C. Therefore hot drinks such as infusions, broth or simply hot water should be consumed abundantly during the day. These hot liquids kill the virus. Avoid ice water or drinks with ice cubes.

    Ensure your mouth and throat are always wet, never dry. You should drink a sip of water at least every 15 minutes. WHY? Even when the virus enters water or other liquids through the mouth, it will get flushed through the oesophagus directly into the stomach where gastric acids destroy the virus.

    This info has been passed on by a friend who works at hospital.

  9. Jack sprat

    Dear whatever
    Appointing former CEO of fortescue metals is a stroke of genius.with his expertise in tax avoidance
    He can advise us all on how to get on this gravy train so that we have more take home pay to spend
    And thus reinvigorate the economy.

  10. Baby Jewels

    A new Commission! What an opportunity for Scomo’s mates to earn massive sums for overseeing something completely out of their experience or skill set.

  11. Phil Pryor

    So, this gutless, brainless, heartless government will now cause all politicians to piss off on full pay for months. Brilliant. No news, no disasters, no checking, more lying, more fumbling, more inaction, more bad guessing and decisions and for all of us, Sweet Fanny Adams. There’s more shit in the skulls of these conservative arseholes than in the New York Sewage works. Give them a bit of Louis XVI, and Charles 1, and Nicholas 11, just to satisfy our need for vengeful retribution over these hideous haemorrhoidal horrors.

  12. Ray Tinkler

    The one I like is the max of 5 at a wedding and 10 at a funeral. The question I would have asked is whether the 10 includes the 1 inside the casket.

  13. New England Cocky

    @Vikingduk: Uhm … so that means there is a previously undefined incubation period of three to nine (3-9) days when a person may be infected and likely infective BEFORE the dreaded symptoms of SARS like pneumonia appear.

    So ….. once the symptoms appear the person is definitely infective and a danger to infect others. But they have probably been infective for the preceding 3-4 days already …..

    Then for kids we had the first recognised infections of two (2) kids this morning who had both separately in independent circumstances been in close contact with an adult known to be infective.

    Naturally responsible parents are keeping their kids home from school so that the teachers who have been sacrificed to infection by the Morriscum COALition misgovernment withholding personal protective equipment will not infect the kids.

    Another major stuff up brought to you by the least competent Australian misgovernment since Federation in 1901.

  14. TuffGuy

    I think we all know scummo has shut down parliament until august in the hope that everyone will forget about all of their recent scandals.

  15. New England Cocky

    @Rossliegh: I believe that you have uncharacteristically misled the readers at AIMN with some of your responses above.

    1) Why is Parliament closing? Answer: So that the family and I can complete our Christmas holiday so rudely interrupted by the worst Bushfire season in living memory.

    2) Why aren’t schools closing? A: Because Jenny does not want to have the kids tripping up around her feet all day long when there is a perfectly good and very expensive third rate child care system called private schools that should be made available to all those persons with sufficient wealth to pay the exorbitant annual fees.

    3) But can’t younger people catch the virus at school and pass it on, and doesn’t the fact that many of them will be asymptomatic increase the risk that they’ll infect others? A: Yes. But it is much more important that Jenny have some respite time with the kids out of the house.

    4) Why are weddings only allowed five people while funerals are allowed ten? A: Because that will depress the wedding industry in line with misgovernment non-policy to destroy all forms of Australian enterprise. At funerals you need at least four, sometimes six or eight persons to carry the coffin.

    5) Why are hairdressers allowed to stay open? A: They are now closed because you complained about them being open. Besides, their close proximity to their clients puts them inside the exclusion zone and allow the hairdressers to possibly infect any subsequent clients..

    6) Are shopping centres closed? A: Yes. We want to give Amazon and other foreign owned international Internet retailers the opportunity to exploit the Australian retail market so that more Australian owned businesses are wound up, claiming that COVID_19 was the cause, rather than the lack of COALition misgovernment non-policies.

    7) What should I do if I am returning from overseas? A: Stay home, become a teetotaller, use a food delivery service, pray a lot.

    8) As children are allowed in groups of twenty or more at school, does that mean that there is no problem with them playing soccer in the park with a small group of friends? A: There were no problems for the about 2,500 worshippers at the Hillsong Sunday service that occurred before we introduced the social isolation policy. But that probably means that the prayers of the Hillsong congregation were answered; praise the John Lord!!

    9) The PM keeps telling us that he’s happy to send his kids to school but there are reports that they aren’t actually at school… A: Most Australian have now learned from hard experience that everything announced by the Prim Monster is likely to be corrected by experts; those now unemployed drips under pressure.

    10) Speaking of unwritten, what about that “unwritten contract” with employers to rehire people when this is all over? A: It is unrealistic to think that corporate management will re-employ every worker that was made redundant because of the COVID-19 pandemic. Rather, it will be exploited as an opportunity to increase workloads and introduce new terribulus employment contracts banning union membership and introducing a 10% tithe paid to the corporation by workers thankful for getting a job.

  16. johno

    I’m off to the hairdresser tomorrow. Another protocol for hairdressers is the client can only be there for half an hour. That could be a problem for Bronwyn.

  17. Andy56

    Ok , first shot off the bow. Hot off the press. The banks will only lend you money now if you have a Job. No extending lines of credit, even a couple of thousand. Sure their looking at wavering interest for 6 months, BUT NO EXTRA MONEY. So nothing has changed and when i suggested that 2million people looking for work meant no jobs, she said BAD LUCK. So any money for anyone to survive will have to come from the government.
    Thats my next test. What will i be entitled to for survival from the government

    So anyone like me who wanted to borrow a few thousand, 5-7,000 to get through will be utterly disappointed. And I have money !! So ability to pay is conditional on a JOB. which bank?

    The implications are that if i did want to get home, financially i cant do it or if i can, i would be living on the streets in self isolation. Getting a rental will be impossible because everything is shut. I bet Nobody in the government is thinking about people in my shoes, we can all get reamed.

  18. Andy56

    It also has implications for the unemployed or those who just went to centerlink, because more than ever they are totally reliant on government handouts. No savings, your on the street

  19. Rossleigh

    Gee, New England Cocky, after reading that list I have to ask: you’re not Barnaby revealing secret Coalition business are you?

  20. wam

    I was seeing my grandkids in rural vic and shopping in the town of Wangaratta Two families share a large house one with 19, 17, 15. The other 10, 8, 6 and nearly 3. We scoured the shops from Albury/Wodonga, Yarrawonga and Benalla for toilet paper but never connected with deliveries. During the travels the young people who would lose their jobs were stoic but to this cynic the gov will give the cash in a trickle down fashion and they will be lost.
    Indeed, I am so proud of my granddaughter who took a gap year and was saving for university by 3 service jobs in Wangaratta she has told her bosses to leave her till after the people who relied on their shift to live were offered work.
    We left early to cross the SA border to avoid quarantine in SA so we could fly home to 14 days quarantine.
    It may be late and better than his pathetic initial reaction but complete shut down is the answer.

  21. Lambchop Simnel

    Lambshop simcard.

    It is ok.

    We talk to ourself, although some times there is really bad arguments.

    Lambsfry is complaining about “voices in his head”, reckons they are with him even when he is at home let alone going for a walk.

    But this was before the coronavirus thing took off, we always social distanced from him for other obvious reasons, particularly when he was wielding a meat cleaver, even before it became fashionable.

    Will sit down for an I View rewatch of “The Exorcist”.

    Lambsfry particularly adores it when the dark souls in “the pig” argue about what is to happen to the kid.

  22. Ferkin Jerkit

    Lambchop Simcard

    I suggest Lambsfry bolt to the nearest Pentecostal establishment – they probably have a job for him. Could even lead to a pre-selection in a safe seat. He seems to meet all the criteria, but the voices in his head are the clincher.
    Is he an arrogant, smirking Berk, too? If so, he’s made for life.

  23. New England Cocky

    @Rossleigh: Shame on you Rossleigh, making such improper, horrible, indeed ghastly insinuations!!! I am not an alcoholic, a bigot, a conceited fool, a deceptive character, an egoist, a fraud, a misogynist, a philanderer or a politician.

    I Sir, shall have to call you out for your highly insulting suggestion!! May I suggest goose quills (in ‘honour’ of ‘your hero’) at four paces behind the shearing shed at 0600 hours on the 31 April 2020? Bring your second, who will likely be the highly esteemed Mr John Lord.

  24. Rossleigh

    Breaking News: The government has lifted the thirty minute time limit on hairdressers.
    In light of tis, I feel I also need to offer my profound apologies to New England Cocky. Of course, he couldn’t be Barnaby as I can’t imagine the man’s concentration would allow him to write a response as long as NEC’s.

  25. Terence Mills

    The question is, where is Craig Kelly when you need him ?

    Normally the member for Hughes is popping up on Sky to air his opinion on absolutely anything but now that there is something worthy of informed comment he is nowhere to be seen.

    Perhaps he’s on a cruise or perhaps he has never really had anything of significance or relevance to say about anything.

    PS: Half an hour at the barbers, that’s luxury : I’m in and out in three minutes – I have two styles, the John Lord look or the Bruce Willis look 🙂

  26. New England Cocky

    @Rossleigh: You are a cheeky bugger! Your sincere and heat-felt apology is graciously accepted. Let the matter rest here.

    As for the analysis of COALition misgovernment non-policy; even my mate Blind Freddie can see these likely outcomes.

  27. Robin Alexander

    Just a comment on Fortesque! May be wrong but is it owned by mining billionaire Twiggy Forest? If not owned big share holder! Last few weeks read government granted the company many millions? Now one of their own top position Gov creating about crisis? Doesn’t compute does it director of big mining etc company and this invented position!no doubt obligation to Twiggy Forest my view as he donates big to LNP always,walking Halls Parliament persuading members of small & Independents to vote for his persuasion like INDUE CARD! Recently photographed in Halls embracing Lambie successfully got her vote for extension of further TRIAL AREAS VILE INDUE CARD? Why is mining billionaire so pushy about this vile demoralizing card? It was he in beginning who suggested this card be introduced in NT supposedly for control addicts? Never stopped pushing it since and pressing it to be introduced overall payments including Aged & Veteran pensioners 80/90yr olds been honest hard working people all lives? INDIGENOUS UP NORTH dislike man intensely trying take over their lands for mining have fought won in courts,against him!Personally dislike the man has far to much influence this weakling government to increase his large fortune more!believe Indue is large Scam on unfortunate & vulnerable after reading all about it?Gov rewarding him this position for fortesque I believe?

  28. Lambshop Simcard

    Thanks Geoff Andrews and don’t forget to wash your hands.

  29. Ben

    Rossleigh, the govt makes it up as they go along. Yesterday it was a case of less than 30 minutes and the virus wouldn’t hesitate to jump from customer to hairdresser, keen to claim another victim. Today it’s a case of the virus has gained a politicians attribute and can’t be arsed jumping into action. This is the psy-op of all psy-ops, using the latest version of the flu to scare the masses into unquestioning subjugation. Google ABS stats cause of death for last year, 3000+ died of the flu. Where was the panic then?

  30. Rossleigh

    While I agree that the government is making it up as it goes along, the difference between this and the flu as I understand it is that this is a virus which has mutated from animals to humans, and has quickly adapted so that it can passed from human to human. As a result, not only do we not have a natural immunity, but there is also a danger that it could mutate again. For example, at the moment, younger people seem to be only getting mild symptoms, but that could quickly change. The virus went from animal to human contamination to human to human contamination in a matter of weeks which is much quicker than similar ones in the past. This – of course – makes the statements about keeping the schools open because kids are relatively safe from the virus a little suspect.

  31. Ben

    Rossleigh, have not been looking into the origin of the virus as there seems to be multiple theories and I don’t have the time. It’s unlikely we’ll ever be told the facts. Is govt spinning the situation for what’s it’s worth? Possible. As for schools and children, it shows how much the govt values them. How many pollies are now home-schooling I wonder.
    One thing for sure is anyone who had the virus and got over it is now immune and are a valuable resource in identifying any cure. I don’t see how one disease is any worse than another if the end result is death. After 100’s of years and all kinds of interventions people still die from the flu, mortality is our lot, 100% guaranteed. That is not to say self-isolation, good hygiene and other measures are wrong, in fact they help, it’s just that a lot of people need to get their head around the concept, and preferably the reality, of being mortal and stop buying into the fear-mongering and panic. Ideal world, right? PS, your writing is a pleasant change from the media hype.

  32. Lambchop Simnel

    Jerkin Ferkit. it explains why we couldn’t understand his demented ravings.

    He was talking in tongues.

    Ben, it was the communists. After that the secret armoured divisions hidden in the Idaho mountains come down and take over Beverly Hills, she will have to flip burgers at a Mac.

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