BREAKING NEWS! In an amazing show of versatility, Scott Morrison demonstrated his capacity to wash a woman’s hair.
When asked why the Prime Minister was doing this when there is so much that needs attention, a spokesman told us that it was all because of Labor.
”Albanese said a few weeks ago that the PM had two jobs and ever since that day, it’s been incumbent on Mr Morrison to show that he has many, many more than two. That’s why you’ll see him behind the wheel of a truck or cooking up a fish or two or performing life-saving surgery on a koala.”
When asked why Mr Morrison wasn’t doing something about the terrible situation in aged care, the spokesman suggested that this had been dealt with by the announcement that the government would be forming a task force to look at the current situation and wondering whether they’d need to ask Phil Gaetjens to do an investigation into the recent Royal Commission. “We thought that getting recommendations from the Royal Commission would be enough to fix the problems but apparently some further action along the lines of actually implementing some of them may be necessary. We’ll let you know once it’s been decided whether Mr Gaetjens is the best person for the job or whether we need to appoint a special envoy like Barnaby Joyce who was so successful as drought envoy that he’s now the Deputy PM.”
The spokesman then suggested that there had been a bit of an over-reaction to the aged care situation. “Many of these people would have died sometime in the next decade anyway, and all had some form of deteriorating health condition, such as Covid-19. In every case, they were near the end of their lives just before they died.”
”Now, there’s been a lot of criticism of Aged Care Minister declining to appear before the Senate and going to the cricket instead, but I think a lot of people are forgetting that it was at the cricket where we’re taking wickets with the virus so he was really doing his bit by being there supporting those wickets. Not only that but he was there in his capacity as Sports Minister, so he had to spend three days there in order to complete both jobs.”
As for the identity of the person sharing texts with Gladys, the spokesman said that there was little point in speculating because, unless the person came forward there was no way we could know who it was, and it didn’t matter because the PM announced that it wasn’t a federal minister. When asked how the PM could know this if he didn’t know who the person was, the spokesman replied, “Ah but he knows who it WASN’T. It wasn’t a member of the Cabinet because if any member of the Cabinet says that it was them, then they won’t be, so it’s clearly someone else.”
“It’s definitely not a fore-runner to a leadership spill. We’re not the Labor Party who feel the need to change leaders in order to win elections. We don’t change leaders unless we absolutely have to because someone’s unable to do whatever it is that they need to do in order not to get rolled by the party.”
Once the woman’s hair was washed, Mr Morrison hurried on to his next appointment: an appearance on the Masked Singer. Information about what mask he’ll be wearing has been listed as classified under the official secrets act, but it has been confirmed that he refused the Dick Nixon mask on the grounds that it was ambiguous.
Of course, the election has to be held soon and then we’ll have the Prime Minister doing all those gimmicky things to make himself appear more human and the country will just have to run itself for a while!
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