Before I start, I’d like to insert this great series of questions for the press pack at any press conference tomorrow :
As you heard if you watched the video, the questions were:
- What is your name? (Or who are you if it’s the PM because everyone knows Scomo. Albo could be asked his name because – apparently – nobody know him.)
- What is your quest?
- What’s the airspeed velocity of an unladen sparrow?
Obviously the first two questions are just fillers and it’s the final one that counts so Albanese better get that right, and he can’t get around it by asking how many swallows does it take to make the press pack more sympathetic. (I”m referring to the drinks they’re supplied with, not the prayer room, so don’t come the homophobic path with me, sunshine!) Morrison is our leader, so he can just be presumed to know…
Ok, I’ve noticed that a lot of this election coverage has been journalists interviewing politicians at press conferences but even more has been journalists crossing to other journalists to ask them how things have gone. While it’s not unusual for journalists to cross to other journalists who are on the spot, what makes an election campaign different is that there’s a lot of subjectivity at play here. “Well, Leigh, the PM handled that question brilliantly. He asked what media organisation the questioner was from and then he pointed out that the particular organisation had no official status owing to their refusal to keep their questions succinct and about the future, unless it was bringing up something that Labor had done in the past, but he added that he would have been more than happy to answer it were it not for the fact that they had run out of time and he needed to be turning around so that the press could get a shot of him leaving. Absolutely brilliant!”
So I just decided to do my own version of “Insiders” where members of the press give their perspective before being interrupted by David Speers if they say anything that might be considered vaguely interesting, as it may start a nasty precedent. In order to save money in this time of cutbacks, I decided to keep costs to a minimum so I’m just going to have an “Insiders” type discussion with myself.
- Good afternoon and welcome, I’m Rossleigh and today’s guest is Rossleigh who’ll be sharing his expert insights on the election campaign so far. Ok, Rossleigh, what stands out so far for you?
- Good afternoon, well, it’s hard to get past Albo’s gaffe…
- Yes, everybody’s talking about it.
- People just won’t stop bringing it up. I don’t know how he can get past this. I was in the pub the other day and a couple of punters were saying that if Albanese didn’t know the current cash rate then he sure wouldn’t know things like the exchange rate of The Australian dollar in Albania….
- Yes, I don’t know if he can even get over this gaffe because it seems to be a topic of discussion in the media that just won’t go away.
- Certainly most of us won’t let it and we’ll keep pointing out that we won’t be the last one to talk about it, passing the torch to whoever wants to say that it certainly won’t be me either because we have an election to make all about Albo while complaining that he’s largely invisible.
- Do you think it’ll be a focus of the whole campaign from hereon?
- Certainly Morrison and the Liberals would like it to be because it just emphasises all that they’ve said about the Labor Party.
- That they’re not very good economic managers?
- Well, that, but I was more talking about the fact that they’re not very good campaigners. I understand that Scott Morrison rallied the troops a few weeks ago and told them the past few years had been a complete fuckup and that they might all hate each other but it was now that the real work began because there’s an election to be won.
- Yes, I noticed that one journalist today noted that Scott may not be very good at government but he was an excellent campaigner.
- Mm, and that’s what we want in a government. That’s why Collingwood stuck with Buckley for so long. Totally shit at winning games, but he was great in the after match conferences… I think Scott has modelled himself a lot on Buckley.
- Now some people have suggested that it’s not all about winning the election and that it would be better to get a competent government…
- Well, that all depends on what you value. For years the Liberals valued winning the election, while Labor valued principled stands, but eventually people became impressed with some of Labor’s ideas like pulling troops out of Vietnam and they got elected anyway. This was probably the beginning of the end for them, because they too, decided that winning was preferable to losing, leaving the principled stand to The Greens. Of course, now they’ve won a lower house seat, they’ve started following the major parties down the let’s win path.
- Do you feel you’re being a little harsh there?
- I certainly hope so.
- But why should people listen to you?
- Well, if I’m important enough to be interviewed, doesn’t that make my opinion worth more than anyone else’s?
- Yes, but you’re interviewing yourself… which I could suggest is probably too meta for your average punter.
- You would say that, but that’s just typical of your arrogance. Look, if it’s good enough for journalists to interview other journalists then what sort of problem can you have with you interviewing yourself?
- I don’t know, it just sort of seems…
- Look, I think it’s time you asked me for my final thoughts…
- Ok, final thought?
- Yeah, Scott Morrison is the biggest weasel we’ve ever had as a Prime Minister and every time I say that it couldn’t get any worse, the Liberals say “Hold my beer!” Well, mate, this time I think it’s time we tipped it out all over them and told them that it’s about time that they found someone with the integrity of Billy Hughes because that’d be an improvement. Scott Morrison should be the low point in the history of Tourism Australia. The fact that he was able to resurrect his career after that gives me hope that one day Chopper Read will do more for this country than Morrison.
- Um, Chopper Read’s dead.
- Yeah, I rest my case.
- Thank you, and that’s all we have time for today. Tomorrow we’ll explain why Scott Morrison told us something on day one and completely contradicts himself on day two is somehow because he didn’t understand the question and this is not a problem but the inability to recite Pi to five decimal places means that one can’t be in charge of electric vehicles.
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