Rossleigh: Good evening, we have the Primed Minister, Malcolm Tinbull.
Malcolm: With all due respect, I don’t think you can say that.
Rossleigh: Why not?
Malcolm: Well, I’m just a fictional character, aren’t I? I’m not the real Prime Minister.
Rossleigh: Yes, that’s what most people are saying.
Malcolm: No, they’re saying that I’m a strong leader. Haven’t I held on even though everybody in my party hates me?
Rossleigh: Anyway, let’s move on to the questions…
Malcolm: Bill Shorten is the reason why it didn’t work.
Rossleigh: I haven’t asked a question yet.
Malcolm: Yes, but that’s the answer. I don’t need to wait for the question because I’m a strong leader and I know lots and lots and sometimes people tell me that I look like George Clooney.
Malcolm: Well, Lucy and the mirror and…
Rossleigh: That wasn’t the question. I was going to ask, “Who thinks that you can’t break your promise about a plebiscite and just have a vote in Parliament but it’ll be ok if you break it by just having a very flawed opinion poll run by the same people who stuffed up the Census?”
Malcolm: I’m glad you asked that.
Rossleigh: I didn’t – you interrupted me.
Malcolm: Now, now, don’t start behaving like Tony Abbott. I’m glad you asked me that because I’d just like to say that this will be a great opportunity for everyone to have their say and surely nobody can be against everybody having their say. Because that’s what democracy means. I mean we may not like what people say, but we should just put up with it. Unless they say it on the ABC. In which case, they need to have someone from the IPA to provide balance.
Rossleigh: Well, didn’t your party strengthen sedition laws when Howard was PM? I mean, can’t that be used to prevent people having their say?
Malcolm: Look, I’m not saying that it wasn’t the right thing to do, but they were different times and you need to remember that democracy is a wonderful concept and I won’t apologise for what we… And anyway, has Bill Shorten produced Obama’s birth certificate because, until he does, doubts must remain? He has no plan for jobs and I met Donald Trump.
Rossleigh: Mr Tinbull, you seem to be rambling.
Malcolm: Sorry, what was the question?
Rossleigh: It was a statement.
Malcolm: I’m not here to listen to political speeches. I’m here to not answer your questions.
Rossleigh: Recently, Donald Trump announced that he planned to send more troops to Afghanistan…
Malcolm: Yes, and as I told him, we’re here for you, Donald. He and I are friends, you know. He almost shook my hand once…
Rossleigh: I was just wondering why you need a plebiscite before you even allow Parliament to vote on marriage equality, but you can commit troops before you even consult your party, let alone Parliament.
Malcolm: We have a commitment to the USA because of the ANZUS treaty, and…
Rossleigh: So New Zealand will be committing troops automatically as well.
Malcolm: New Zealand? No that’s up to them.
Rossleigh: So it’s really just an A-US treaty… Mm, I see why they needed to add the “Z” in the treaty.
Malcolm: The question?
Rossleigh: Why are you so quick to commit troops?
Malcolm: The United States is an ally. Well, more than an ally. I’d like to think it as a friend.
Rossleigh: More than a friend. I mean you seem ready to let it fuck us…
Rossleigh: Never mind. So what do you hope to achieve by committing troops to another war?
Malcolm: Well, I don’t want to be the only Liberal Prime Minister apart from Tony Abbott not to commit to a new war, or at the very least, not increase troops numbers in an existing war. We’ve been saying all along that we had a plan for jobs and nothing helps jobs like a good war.
Rossleigh: Or even a bad one… But wouldn’t the money be better spent on education, the Arts, Health…
Malcolm: No, these things just waste money. It’s only a good war that really boosts the economy.
Rossleigh: I had a few more questions, but I’m afraid your time is up.
Malcolm: That’s what Tony keeps saying, but…
Rossleigh: No, the interview time…
Malcolm: But I haven’t had a chance to tell you how close I am to Donald.
Rossleigh: I think we’ve all worked that out by now.