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The Queensland election was a bit seismic, says Tony

Extract From Leigh Sales Interview with Tony Abbott

Sales: “Who are you?”

Abbott: “Well, Leigh, let’s just focus for a second on the captain’s picks. There have essentially been two captain’s picks …”

Sales: “Can you actually just focus on the big picture there? Because there’s been three different Tony Abbotts. I just want to know, which one are you?”

Abbott: “Well Leigh, I will let the Australian people form their own conclusions, but let’s just go back to the captain’s picks. There’s been two of them. There’s the paid parental leave scheme, which we took to two elections, but I accept that good policy though it would be in different circumstances, now is not the right time for an expansion of paid parental leave. And then, of course, there was the knighthood. Now, all of these awards in the Order of Australia are now being handled by the Council of the Order of Australia.”

Sales: “How about my point though, that there’ve been … you know, we’re up to Tony Abbott 3.0? Do you accept that you’ve thoroughly confused the public about what your government is and what you stand for?”

Abbott: “Let’s look at the situation that we inherited, Leigh …”

Sales: “Can we just look at the big picture about you?”

Abbott: “I’d rather have a conversation rather than an argument, Leigh.”

Sales: “I think it’s a reasonable question, and one that voters would be asking themselves, and it would be remiss of me not to put to you.”

Abbott: “And let me answer it by saying, going into the last election, the then-government was saying that the deficit would be $18 billion. It turned out to be $48 billion, there was a $30 billion budget black hole that the Labor Party had created, should have known about, and wasn’t telling us about. Obviously, when the circumstances change, there are some things that have to change with them. Now I absolutely accept Leigh, that I said the night before the election, that there’d be no cuts to the ABC. But let’s face it Leigh, that for 18 years, the ABC had no efficiency dividend, and when there are spending restraints across a whole area of government policy, surely under those circumstances, it is possible to revise a particular commitment.”

Sales: “But it’s interesting that you’re not able to answer the question to me. Who are you, what do you stand for? Which Tony are you?”

Abbott: “Well obviously, we stand for a government that believes in smaller government, lower taxes, and greater freedom. We are a government that believes in values and institutions that have stood the test of time. Above all else though, we are a pragmatic government which wants to do what works. And if we try to do something sensible one way, and it doesn’t work, we’ll try to bring about the same sensible outcome in a different way. And there are challenges Leigh. We at least accept that there’s a serious fiscal challenge, that intergenerational theft has been going on, that the former government started, and that we are determined to fix. The Labor Party is in denial about all these things. You can embrace a government which is not perfect, but is at least fair dinkum, or you can go with the people who gave us the problem, and are now trying to say that it’s not their fault, and they’re not going to address it.”

“Thanks, Mr Abbott, and congratulations on nothing happening yesterday.”

“Good evening and thank you. I’ve listened, I’ve learned and today is the day after good government has re-started, it’s back to work Tuesday, it’s a brand new day, it’s an exciting opportunity, it’s the first day of the rest of our lives, it’s a dream come true, it’s the beginning of the end of the age of entitlement or rather the beginning of the age of hope, reward and opportunity, it’s a…”

“Excuse me, Mr Abbott, but can I pursue the question which you seemed reluctant to answer in your interview with Leigh Sales, who are you?”

“Now, I think the question was pretty much dealt with last night, and I’d like to move on, because it’s not all about me.”

“So, who are you?”

“Well, the most important thing is that I’m not the Labor Party. In particular, I’m not Kevin Rudd or Julia Gillard, but I think it’s also far to say that I’m not Bill Shorten. Neither, I think it fair to say, am I … ah, Dexter, or Charles Manson, although Manson certainly knew how to inspire loyalty, which I obviously have, because all the traitors who voted against me have agreed to back me..”

“Excuse me again, but the question was ‘Who are you?’, not ‘Who aren’t you?'”

“Now… If you’d stop throwing all these rapid fire questions at me, like when I said I hadn’t read the BHP thingy, which I obviously had, because I said that I had the next day. If you keep interrupting and don’t give me the chance to finish then, of course, I’ll be misunderstood.”

“Ok. Go on.”

“Well, the thing is … ah… we inherited this mess from Labor… ah…, where the Budget doesn’t…um, balance… look, I’m not Treasurer, so he’d be better at explaining these things, but we abolished the Carbon and … ah, Mining Taxes which has left people a lot better off… and … ah, we need to cut spending so that we can afford to keep our standard of living… like, I mean, I’ve made all the households better off to the tune of “Tie Me Kangaroo Down, Sport” … no, not that to the tune of $550, which is helping to get us all back on track… Joe’s better at all this number’s stuff. So, I don’t know why you’re asking me an economic question.”

“I asked you who you were.”

“Look, let me make it absolutely clear that I stopped the boats. It’s only because it’s operational matter that I haven’t been able to tell you exactly how many boats I’ve stopped…”

“Let’s try this another way, how old are you?”

“Let me assure you that Kevin Andrews is absolutely right when he says that we shouldn’t be dictated to about how we choose to describe a competitive evaluation process.”

“And Joe Hockey has your full support?”

“Of course, but that’s got nothing to do with what we’re discussing. I’d like to be able to finish one answer before you change the subject.”

“So who are you, Mr Abbott?”

“Rupert Murdoch is a great Australian and I think that he said it best when he said that the Labor Party’s opposition to 457 visa holders was racist and disgusting.”

“Mr Abbott, I’m sorry but your time is up.”

“No, they gave me until after the Budget and then I’m going to call an early election, that’ll stop those backbench bastards…”

“I meant for the interview.”

“Oh, well, it’s been a pleasure.”

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14 comments

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  1. Rafe Falkiner

    God help Australia with this f-wit in charge. Can’t we arm the third in the LNP who want to get rid of the rest ????? Ah stuff it! I don’t care any more…. What’s the use?

  2. keertidalleyi

    i read this without seeing that is was an extract of an actual interview.
    i thought that I was reading satire. When I discovered that it was an actual transcript, I could only conclude that I had been reading the speech of someone who is suffering from some form of brain damage! I pity those of his colleagues (probably 39 of them) who were probably cringing with embarrassment.

    i

  3. rossleighbrisbane

    Yep, I only wrote the second part to see if it was possible to satirise him. Sadly, I’m afraid that the abs we may be no.

  4. rossleighbrisbane

    Abs we?
    I typed ” answer ” but autocorrect knows best!

  5. Paul Brady

    Can’t really tell where the real interview stops.. and Satire begins… And that’s what the LNP are backing ??? God save Australia, because nothing will save Abbott…

  6. Graham Houghton

    Is it possible to challenge this arsehole’s citizenship through the courts? Perhaps get a court order against him to make him reveal whether, or not he has rescinded his UK citizenship. Or is there some sort of protocol that sitting, pretend PMs are immune to inquiry and prosecution? And do they have the right to ride roughshod over the FOI laws of this country? If that’s the case, then this system truly is screwed and I’m outa here because I can’t stand this nascent dictatorship any longer. Hell, it’s not even a proper dictatorship; they can’t even get that right.

  7. stephentardrew

    Tis a moron oxy this Abbott thinking thingy.

  8. lawrencewinder

    I only hope “Le Jongleur” Roskam and his patrons are well satisfied with the mess they are creating…What a bloody shambles.

  9. John Fraser

    <

    Was there satire there ?

    I was laughing so much at the bald spot I had tears running down my cheeks.

    The only thing that could possibly be funnier would be a Defence Minister with a bottle of black hair dye and a $200 Counselling voucher.
    <
    <
    <
    <

    Now that I have read the Article the real surprise is that no one notices that the :adults" are once again back in charge.

    Same as it ever was :

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o7pVjl4Rrtc

  10. Graham Houghton

    Paul, one of the things that will save the gargoyle is inherent in the Australian psyche – She’ll be right , mate. No, she won’t. For once she won’t be right. Another thing that will save him is that, unpleasant as it may be to admit, this is still a deeply conservative, suspicious and fearful nation, despite our much-vaunted multiculturalism. Abbott is a master at playing this card. Then there is the secrecy, the operational, on-water matters; the denial of FOI requests; the repeated lying that is still going on despite the ‘I have listened and I have learned’ bullshit. It’s all just happening again and again not twenty-four hours after his faux contrition and the ‘near death experience’. Religion and sarcasm, what a powerful mix against a gullible public. This man is truly dangerous, not because he’ll last, but because he has a listening audience and a party that knows it’s on the road to destruction unless they fight every inch of the way with him. And it’s not because they believe in him, although they believe the same ideology, it’s because they all know that when he goes, they go with him. He’s got them by the balls and they know it. It’s time they took his grasp off them and showed some Australianess to this upstart pom.

  11. Kerri

    Maybe the backbench should be exploring the citizenship thing?

  12. PopsieJ

    What the backbenchers should do now is call another spill. And Bill Shorten to ask in parliament about Abbotts citizenship. Do you think that this slimy grub we have as PM gave The Duke a knighthood in exchange for a favour re backdating renouncing Abbotts UK citizenship ?
    Too many people think Abbott is a fool, he is, but a dangerous fool. If he is not gone in a couple of weeks the LNP are finished

  13. corvus boreus

    Again, in Mr Abbotts diction, the ‘cuts’ to the ABC ruled out in pre-election rhetoric suddenly became ‘efficiency dividends’ when mentioned as implemented coalition policy.
    If Ms Sales noticed the ‘subtle’ substitution of a poly-syllabic weasel phrase for a simple four letters word she did not mention it.

  14. Ricardo29

    Re the ABC efficiency dividend, not paid in 18 years. That conveniently takes us back to 1997, a year after Howard had ripped 10% plus 60 million out of the ABC’s budget, now that’s an efficiency dividend! Lying swine. And anyway, “efficiency dividend” is just two weasel words for a funding cut.

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