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Putting It Together On Boxing Day!

While I’m thankful that my son has reached an age where Santa no longer brings him things that need to be assembled on Christmas Eve, part of me must nostalgically yearn for the frustration and anguish of trying to following the instructions written by someone whose first language is not Clarity. You see, I bought an outdoor table and chairs. While the writing on the box promised that it was easy to assemble, I find claims made by manufacturers even less reliable than claims made by politicians. I mean, it’s only a table and chairs, so how hard can it be? It’s just a matter of attaching some legs, right?

Now, as some of you have probably guessed from my admission that I actually try to read the instructions, I’m not exactly a handyman. You might say that as a handyman, I make Tony Abbott look like a successful Prime Minister… Actually that’s probably going too far. The Ikea bookcase is still standing and I don’t need to go around making statements like, “It would have still been ok, if I hadn’t started putting books on the shelves!”

Anyway, I’ve survived Christmas unlike a lot of turkeys so I guess I should be grateful.

Speaking of turkeys, I thought it would be an appropriate time to make my political predictions for 2018. I didn’t make any predictions for 2017, but it won’t impress anyone if I make them now. For example, predicting that Turnbull will still be PM at the end of 2017 is mildly impressive if you made it in January, by late December, it’s even less so than pointing at my bookcase and saying that this has lasted twice as long as Abbott did as PM… Although Abbott’s time as PM seemed like an eternity.

Anyway, here are my predictions for 2018:

  1. The Murdoch Press will start speculating about Bill Shorten’s leadership. They will quote anonymous sources and completely ignore how hard it is for Labor to depose a sitting leader thanks to the rules introduced by Kevin Rudd. This will continue until a major stuff-up by a Coalition minister makes such big news that they have to spend time reporting that, instead of quoting a senior Labor figure saying that Shorten has until some arbitrary date to perform some highly unlikely task such as getti;ng Mark Latham to speak to the Labor faithful on the topic of “I Had My Chance To Be PM And I Have Nobody To Blaim But Myself!”
  2. Scott Morrison will introduce the Budget by saying that everything happened exactly as they predicted about from a couple of surprises that they didn’t plan for. However, in spite of these, and there still being a deficit, we’re now in a position to give tax cuts to everyone earning over $60,000. These, of course, will be linked to the company tax cuts and we’ll be told that we need to follow Trump’s lead on this. The Liberals will continue to behave as though being in agreement with Trump is somehow electorally good because Australians just love US presidents and it’s only lefties that wouldn’t want to follow Donald blindly. Scomo will also increase the Defence Budget on the grounds that the US has to go to war soon and there must be a good reason, so we’d have to join them.
  3. Adani will announce in February that they’re starting work on the mine next month. They’ll do this again in August. They may further announce that they’ve started preliminary work on planning and hope to start issuing contracts in December just as soon as they’ve got their finance in order.
  4. Matt Canavan will blame his mother for Adani not getting the finance.
  5. Donald Trump will again threaten to withhold funding from countries who vote against US proposals at the United Nations. Nobody will think to suggest that if the only reason these countries are getting aid is so that they’ll vote the way the country giving them aid wants them to, that it constitutes a bribe and would be regarded as corruption if you tried the same thing at a local council.
  6. Malcolm Turnbull will tell us what a good job he’s doing. When pressed for details, he’ll become aggressive and say that asking him to justify his statements is exactly the sort of thing that could lead to Bill Shorten being Prime MInister and not even Labor supporters want that.
  7. Steve Andrew, the PHON candidate elected in Queensland, will clash with Pauline Hanson resulting in him leaving the party and becoming an independent. Ok, you may not consider this a daring prediction given that it’s 50/50 with Pauline throwing him out of the party for failing to genefluct in her presence.
  8. Tony Abbott will tweet something which could only be considered as undermining for Turnbull. Tony will say that he didn’t mean it to be taken that way, but provide no further clarification.
  9. There will be an IT disaster involving a government department.
  10. Centrelink wait times will be discussed and the minister will provide details that over half people calling don’t get a busy signal, and that people who visit an office obtain a ticket number as quickly as they do from the deli counter at Woolworths or Coles..
  11. There will be an international incident when High Commissioner, George Brandis, attempts to explain his role in helping with the Brexit negotiations. It may be something to do with the translation of “big beast”
  12. Physics lecturers will start using the statements of the Coalition to explain Schrodinger’s Cat. For example, they’ll say, consider the way that the NBN is both a great success because of the Coalition but a “total wreck” because of Labor.

Well, that’s about it for my 2018 predictions. Piece of cake, really…

Update: Even though, I’d paid for the outdoor setting and taken it to the trade desk like they asked, when I went to pick it up in a borrowed vehicle. (Mine was too small for it to fit) Bunnings had managed to lose the setting. After the person on the desk tried ringing several times, nobody seemed concerned enough to offer a solution. After half an hour, I was given a refund.

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  1. Jagger

    Yep, must agree Rossleigh, it will be the same shit just a different year.

  2. Matters Not


    7.Steve Dickson, the PHON candidate elected in Queensland,

    You might need to check that one out. I understand that Stephen Andrew was the only PHON candidate to win – the seat of Mirani in central Queensland. But Dickson will be the Leader (outside of Parliament) just like Campbell Newman was in times gone by. (And we know how that turned out.)

    By the way Newman might be expelled from the LNP some time soon. Perhaps Pauline might seek his services?

  3. Rossleigh

    Thanks, Matters Not, since corrected. Too many Steve’s. I wrote that one from memory. Using the Michaelia Cash defence, I could say that I didn’t mislead you, I was just told the wrong thing by my brain so therefore it’s not incorrect.
    However, I occasionally visit planet Earth, so I’ll just admit that I got it wrong.

  4. Kaye Lee

    The Newman stoush is interesting.

    “Mr Newman, along with a handful of other critics who are also members of the LNP, earlier this week received letters from State President Gary Spence asking them to quit the party, in light of their comments.

    Following recent criticism by high-profile Liberal Party members Peta Credlin and Jeff Kennett, Mr Newman questioned why they hadn’t received similar letters from the party.”

  5. Peter

    Pleased to note that you follow MC’s example. Thanks for providing your insights this year, they have been enjoyable and instructive. I do note that they have strayed into the realm of factual reporting lately, probably out of the realisation that you don’t have to actually be satirical when mentioning our ‘leaders’.

    I am looking forward to your efforts in this coming (election?) year.

  6. Matters Not


    Liberal Party members Peta Credlin and Jeff Kennett, Mr Newman questioned why they hadn’t received similar letters from the party

    Perhaps because Credlin and Kennett are not members of the LNP which is unique to Queensland? But maybe Campbell is not across that pesky detail. (By the way, I happened to see Newman and Beattie on Sky and remembered that I used to have time for Beattie. But not now. No wonder politicians are lumped together and universally despised.)

  7. Matters Not

    Rossleigh re Stephen Andrew, I also suspect that he could depart the PHON sooner rather than later. He defeated Jim Pearce who was previously the member for Fitzroy (1989 to 2009). There for 20 years and never looked likely for higher honours – and for very good reasons.

    A understand it, Andrew the PHON is fairly well known and liked at a personal level and therefore is not dependent on Pauline in the longer term. Besides with the PHON there’s no common ideological bonds. Just temporary alliances of convenience

  8. Rossleigh

    Thanks, Peter. At times, however, while I’ve still been attempting satire, by the time I publish, someone in the Coalition or PHON has stolen the idea and run with it.

  9. Jack Russell

    LOL … double-bunger satire.

    PS: As long as they don’t steal your allen key as well, we’re safe.

  10. Keitha Granville

    thanks – fortunately I purchased nor was givne anything that needed assembly ! In my experience there’s always a piece left over.

    I reckon you’re likely to be right on at least 75% of those.

    An election year Peter ? we can only hope so.

  11. Florence nee Fedup

    Watched my grandson put together a little battery driven tricycle for his son. The one toy he really wanted. After charging all night seems doesn’t work.

    This PM and his mob who believes their only role is to kill Shorten and Labor might be surprised there are many who think there are worse things than Labor. A Coalition for one.

  12. billshaw2013

    I predict Julie Bishop will attend many social functions at our expense to satiate her self esteem. Possibly with a new toy boy.

  13. Jack Russell

    @billshaw2013: How embarrassment! :))

  14. Double Agent

    Regarding the first point on your list: it may amuse you to know that Katharine Murphy, over at The Guardian, has already beaten the Murdoch press to that stunt. She tried it out on the 21st of December, and it caused quite the kerfuffle in the comments.

    So it’s not just the Colaition and PHON that are nicking your ideas for satire. The Graun’s political editor wants her share too.

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