On Thursday, the Member for Hughes, after a long lunch, struggled to his feet, adjusted his belt over his ample belly, wiped some egg from his tie, farted and proceeded to address our national parliament. His purpose was to convey a message to us all but to the younger generation in particular whom he had been informed were planning to wag school the following day on some trumped-up business about climate change. The member for Hughes is utterly opposed to anybody wagging off on POETS Day although it was noted from the gallery that he himself would be heading off for a long weekend as soon as he had delivered his speech to the nation.
The parliament were as always eager to hear from Mr Kelly as are his devoted followers on Sky-After-dark (SAD) where he appears far too often.
Craig Kelly, you will recall, was about to be dumped from pre-selection by the wise burghers of the federal Liberal seat of Hughes prior to the last election. But Kelly, being a man with immense talent and wisdom as yet untapped, declared that if he was not pre-selected to run again, he would spend the remaining parliamentary term on the cross-benches making rude noises and gestures in the general direction of the government benches. The Prime Minister, having noted the incredible contribution of Mr Kelly to the governance of our nation immediately called for a halt to all pre-selections in all seats in New South wales, thus ensuring that Craig would remain the honourable member for Hughes, and so it came to pass that Craig was duly re-elected as the member for that long-suffering electorate.
And how right the PM was, a man of undoubted perception, seeing in Craig Kelly something that had eluded the rest of us. Namely his grasp on climate science and his ability to understand and explain to the uninformed the vagaries of climate change.
I give you the honourable member’s speech to our parliament as recorded by Hansard :
Mr CRAIG KELLY (Hughes) (13:55): I understand how persuasive peer group pressure can be for teenagers, with their desire to conform and fit in with the crowd. However, I would say to any student considering joining the so-called climate protest: don’t be a sheep; think for yourself. You are being used and manipulated, and everything you are told is a lie. The facts are: there is no link between climate change and drought. Polar bears are increasing in number. Today’s generation is safer from extreme weather than at any time in human history. There is no 97 per cent consensus. Such claims are a fraud. Crop yields have increased remarkably. Wildfires have declined 25 per cent over the past two decades. We are seeing fewer cyclones, not more. Cold weather kills many times more people than hot weather, including here in Australia. The sea ice is not melting away; in fact, where the ill-fated Franklin expedition sailed in the year 1845 is blocked by thick sea ice this year. Renewables ain’t renewables, and they certainly don’t make electricity cheaper.
This speech was met with mixed feelings by the House of Representatives, perhaps best summed up by Stephen Jones (the member for Whitlam) who responded on behalf of us all by calling out (and I again quote from Hansard) : You are completely bonkers !
So, here’s a tip : instead of installing solar panels on your roof you would be better advised to duck down to Bunnings and get some polar bear proof fencing – they also have an aerosol I understand – before it’s too late !
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