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Next Week’s Exclusive Interview With Mr Abbott Brought To You Before It Even Happens!

“Good Morning, Mr Abbott, thanks for joining us.”

“Is the mike on?”

“Yes, the interview’s started.”

“And you’ll tell me when it’s off?”

“Just presume that it’s on all the time. Now how are you feeling about your prospects in Canning.”

“Well, the Canning byelection is all about jobs and growth and security.”

“Yes, you’ve said that but I wonder how electing a Liberal candidate will help secure jobs and growth.”

“Simply… ah, the Liberal candidate will join our team and we’re all about jobs and growth and keeping people safe.”

“But what jobs are we talking about? Where do you see the jobs?”

“In Canning. And everywhere else.”

“Yes but in what areas will these jobs be.”

“The Canning area. And everywhere else in Australia.”

“But what will these jobs be?”

“We’ve stopped the boats, and repealed the carbon and mining taxes and we have a plan.”

“But the jobs? What are they?”

“They’re part of our plan.”

“And what is your plan?”

“It’s a plan for jobs and growth.”

“But growth has actually slowed under your government. Last quarter, if it wasn’t for government spending on defence we would have actually had no growth at all.”

“I’m glad you brought that up. Thanks to us the boats have stopped, and we’re speeding an unprecedented amount of money keeping people safe and we make no apology for that.”

“But we were talking about growth.”

“We were and thanks to us the carbon tax is gone and the mining tax is gone and the boats have stopped, because we have a plan and that plan is about jobs and growth.”

“Isn’t it a concern that you’re relying on government spending for growth when you were so critical of Labor when it came to the Budget.”

“That’s because under Labor spending was out of control. We had no control over how they spent their money, but now that the adults are back in charge, we’re on a path to sustainable surplus.”

“But the Budget deficit is almost double what it was under Labor…”

“Look, the deficit is much, much lower than it would be under Labor, because thanks to us the boats have stopped, the carbon and mining taxes are gone and spending is once again under control because we control it.”

“There have been reports of delays and a blowout in the cost of NBN.”

“Well, clearly having stopped the boats, we now have to fix up Labor’s mess on the NBN.”

“With respect, Prime Minister, these things have happened under your watch.”

“Thank you, yes it’s true that the boats have stopped under us.”

“I was refering to the NBN.”

“And you’re right. We always said that the NBN would cost more than Labor were telling us and that it wouldn’t be delivered on time.”

“Yes, but isn’t it now your responsibility?”

“No, it was Labor’s idea. We always said that we didn’t need to spend billions of dollars on some passing fad like the Internet. I mean a few years ago everyone had a Playstation, but that’s gone. This internet game thing will disappear like Playstation… or gay marriage.”

“Finally, you don’t think that speculation about your leadership will harm your chances in Canning.”

“There hasn’t been a single illegal boat arrive in Canning since we took office.”

“The leadership.”

“The public aren’t interested. This is a government which is totally focused on jobs, economic growth, community safety – not Canberra insider gossip. We;re a committed team and as Joe said last week this is coming from people unhappy that money’s been taken from their portfolio.”

“So you’re telling me that nobody is trying to undermine you in the lead-up to Canning?”

“We’re all totally united and anybody who is saying anything different is just wrong. Just remember we stopped the boats..”

“Thanks, Prime Minister and may I just take this chance to wish you a merry Christmas in case we don’t get the chance to interview you again after the Canning result.”

“Why wouldn’t you get a chance to interview me after Canning… Is the microphone still on?”

“Yes, Prime Minister, it is.”

“So I better not make any comments about ‘Cape York’ time…”

“Probably wise. Without Peter Dutton here to say something even more insensitive, people might actually notice this time.”





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  1. M-R

    EXCELLENT !!!! 🙂

  2. Mercurial

    Thanks Rossleigh. Saves us having to wade through the crap in the MSM next week.

  3. brickbob

    ‘Good article,and it proves that you dont need a crystal ball when it comes to predicting Tony Abbott.”” he is a walking talking crystal ball.

  4. Douglas Evans

    Sounds a lot like Clark & Dawes

  5. Kate M

    Yes Prime Minister.

    Scarily accurate

  6. jim

    Sadly for Australia this is exactly what the ijiot PM will say

  7. Anomander

    How is that any different to every other interview he has done in the past 12 months?

    Oh, yes… He didn’t mention the Daesh Death Cult once.

  8. diannaart

    Sustainability alert! Boom mike scheduled for recycling for failure to broadcast anything positive regarding Liberals.

  9. crypt0

    Ha! I can pick a fake abbott interview when I come across one !
    Which this obviously was …
    How ?
    There were about 74 umm’s and approx. 85 err’s missing, and no mention of daesh, death cult, death cult !!
    Apart from that, tony shouldn’t have to do any interviews from here on … just trot this out …(with omissions added, obviously)
    Especially if the scuttlebutt emanating from the LNP turns out to be accurate !!

  10. Lawriejay

    Tony Abbott reciting the Lord’s Prayer

    Our Father Err! Our Father who art in heaven Er Um! Our Father who art Um errr in Heaven in Heaven, hallowed hallowed umm – be be thy name thy name.
    Thy kingdom – thy kingdom eh come come come – thy will thy will be done be done – on earth as it is in heaven heaven heaven. Give us this day our daily daily eh umm daily bread and forgive not our trespassers our trespassers eh as we forgive – as we forgive eh eh um as we don’t forgive them – for mine is the power power power the nope nope nope eh umm and the glory glory for ever ever and ever while ol’ Rupert is alive alive and kicking is kicking – amen

  11. eli nes

    well we are still rich, little billy hasn’t laid claim to the AAA rating so it is the rabbutt. History shows that it is unlikely labor will shame the rabbutt but amoral politicians are rare and vulnerable if they are shown up. Thatcher, Howard had the modern amorality in that the pragmatism of their internal vision blurred the edges and extended their concept of right and rationalised the unlikely occurrence of wrong into a temporary but necessary phase.
    The rabbutt has retained the old fashioned amoral belief in his infallibility.

  12. mmc1949

    In other words, a repeat of all his other interviews. If this were a school assignment you’d be in trouble for copy-and-paste “research”. Wouldn’t you think Tone’s speech writer could come up with something different. There are more one syllable words in the dictionary. Or wouldn’t Tone cope? Except he doesn’t now.

    Great minds, Douglas Evans …. very Clarke and Dawe 🙂

  13. win jeavons

    Lawriejay; I love it!

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