Interviewer – Good morning, today marks a fresh start for Mr Rabbit, and after his in interview with us before his election, we thought it was time for a follow-up. Good morning, Mr Rabbit.
Mr. Rabbit – Good morning.
Interviewer – It’s been a rough time for you just lately, hasn’t it?
Mr Rabbit – Look, ah … I … never said that it would be easy, but overall, I think we’ve been pretty successful. We’ve removed the tax on animal droppings and we’ve stopped the goats.
Interviewer -Yes, but you still haven’t introduced your Direct Excrement Plan, where you pay larger animals to pick up their own droppings.
Mr Rabbit – We have a plan to do that, so it’s all under control.
Interviewer – Aren’t you concerned about all the excrement that’ll be produced while you get your plan up?
Mr Rabbit – On the contrary, excrement is a sign that the farm is working well, and anyway, this farm only produces a small amount of the excrement in the world.
Interviewer – Some are saying that you don’t actually believe that excrement causes problems, and they’re citing your “Excrement science is crap!” statement to suggest that you’re not really serious…
Mr Rabbit – If I could just interrupt you there, that statement was taken out of context.
Interviewer – So what was the context?
Mr Rabbit – The context was that I thought I was with people who wouldn’t report it.
Interviewer – Moving on to your stopping the goats…
Mr Rabbit – Yes, we’ve been very successful, only one goat has made it to the farm since we introduced our turn back the goats policy.
Interviewer – If we no longer have goats arriving, why can’t the goats we’re holding in the abattoir be released into the community?
Mr Rabbit – Because it would send the wrong signal and undermine our policy and just start the illegal entries again.
Interviewer – But if you’re turning them back what’s the problem?
Mr Rabbit – These goats have come here illegally!
Interviewer – Some would say that there’s an inconsistency with your policy of strong fences when it comes to goats, but you’re happy to reduce requirements on the 457 animals.
Mr Rabbit – The 457 animals are just here temporarily to fill in the areas where we have no animals in that can fill a particular role.
Interviewer – But some of the roles seem a bit strange. I mean, there are stories of chickens and pigs coming in, when we have plenty of our own.
Mr Rabbit – Well, many of our hens aren’t capable of laying eggs, so we’ve brought in some specialist roosters who’ve just been cleaning up the yard while we wait for them to settle in to an egg laying routine.
Interviewer – And the pigs?
Mr Rabbit – The pigs are all on a fly in, fly out basis, in areas where we can’t get our animals to go.
Interviewer – It’s been alleged that some pigs aren’t flying anywhere.
Mr Rabbit – That’s not my understanding.
Interviewer – Onto the repair of the leaky barn, Joe Hoggey’s told everyone before the election that you’d have the barn fixed in no time, yet now he’s saying that it may be ten years before he stops the leaks.
Mr Rabbit – Well, you can blame Kevin Rooster’s mob for the leaky barn, and now they’re trying to sabotage our repair by stopping us from using the sick animals to hold down the loose boards.
Interviewer – They’re suggesting that – apart from being unfair to use the sick animals this way – this wouldn’t solve the basic problem, which is that the farm needs to make enough money to replace the loose boards.
Mr Rabbit – We all have to do our bit. Even the sick animals … I mean, looking after them till they get better is a nice idea, but we can’t afford that.
Interviewer – Of course, Mr Hoggey’s comments that there’s a tortoise somewhere in the world that’ll live to be 350 didn’t help matters.
Mr Rabbit – Mr Hoggey was just making the point that we need to ensure that – as we’re all living longer – then we need to things that ensure we have a quality of life when we’re older.
Interviewer – How is sitting on a barn a good quality of life?
Mr Rabbit – I’d think that animals would b just happy to contribute.
Interviewer – And finally, we need to address the elephant in the room.
Mr Rabbit – There is no elephant in the room, that’s just one or two animals making up a story…
Interviewer – Apparently, Miss Takesaplenty seems to be having too much influence, and this has led to speculation that there may be a challenge to your leadership.
Mr Rabbit – No, I think you’ll find that we’re all content, and everybody’s happy with the job I’m doing.
Interviewer – But the suggestion is that Mr Bull and Ms Peahen want to replace you, and have been actively canvassing the other animals.
Mr Rabbit – What makes you say that? Mr Bull is happy with his bull role, and Ms Peahen is more than happy just strutting round telling other farms the way things are.
Interviewer- But even Mr Fox’s helpers are being critical of you, which tends to suggest that Rupert Fox himself is worried that you’re a one term animal.
Mr Rabbit – Mr Fox assures me that he’s right behind everything I’ve done.
Interviewer – With respect, he’s concerned about the things you haven’t done. Even Andrew Boar is pointing out your faults.
Mr Rabbit – I have a plan.
Interviewer – Can we see it?
Mr Rabbit – I’ll show you closer to the election.
Interviewer – The election’s already happened, Mr Rabbit.
Mr Rabbit – Yes, but we have another one coming up in a year or so!
Interviewer – Well, how much closer to the election can we see it?
Mr Rabbit – Ah… probably anything from three weeks to six months … after the next election. I mean, if we release it before the election, there’s a strong chance that animals may not vote for us.
Interviewer – You’re out of time, Mr Rabbit.
Mr Rabbit – No, I’m not! Mr Fox assured me that I had until March …
Interviewer – I meant for the interview. Thanks, Mr Rabbit. Till the next time.
Mr Rabbit – Oh, right. Yes. It’s been a pleasure.
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Thanks Rossleigh,
Now thats worth crowing about especially miss peahen that Takesaplenty “not that miss peahen gets me crowing” I’d have to be barking mad for that to happen
Very funny once again Ross, would make a great cartoon video clip wouldn’t it.
Love it ! You make me laugh even when I feel like alternately screaming or sobbing at the words coming out of various government mouths. Can we have this as a regular bedtime story please ? I want further instalments, something to look forward to for the long dark winter nights ahead.
Great interview, Rossleigh. In years gone by, satire was easily discerned because it was removed from the literal. These days, it’s harder because the truth is so close to the satirical. The advent of “fly in, fly out pigs” is way too close to the mark and surely explains why we are wallowing in our own excrement. As an observation, I should point out the rabbits and foxes were introduced species from the motherland, with the intent of amusing the “gentry” with their hunting pursuits. It seems appropriate that they were subsequently deemed as pests and we have now spent many decades trying to exterminate them, fences being one of the methods! Seems fitting, on so many levels, for Mr Rabbit. Take care
Rupert only became a Fox when he moved to America.
That was brilliant.
Where do I leave a small contribution for when the extended version is included in the next Lego movie (or the one after that)
That way I would have a retirement fund after all.
Thank you Rossleigh
A masterly encapsulation of life in Australia 2015, as we face another year of The Rabbit scourge.
Simply superb, Rossleigh
Brilliant, Rossleigh. I particularly liked the fly-in,fly-out pigs, the context being “I thought I was with people who wouldn’t report it”, and Miss Peahen strutting around telling other farms the way things are. Do you think you could make this an ongoing saga? A good laugh makes the whole situation a little easier to endure.
Nearly as outlandish as his two commercial radio efforts this week.
Outstanding, Rossleigh.
The only common sense left in Oz
https://pbs.twimg.com/media/B8Jv64JCQAAMzEO.jpg
None of the other animals on the farm could get further than the letter A. It was also found that the stupider animals, such as the sheep, hens, and ducks, were unable to learn the Seven Commandments by heart. After much thought Snowball declared that the Seven Commandments could in effect be reduced to a single maxim, namely: “Four legs good, two legs bad.” This, he said, contained the essential principle of Animalism. Whoever had thoroughly grasped it would be safe from human influences. The birds at first objected, since it seemed to them that they also had two legs, but Snowball proved to them that this was not so.
See George Orwell understood Tony Abbott and our current state and federal rubbish conservative governments in 1945.
I guess that you read this then, Andreas.
Top work
Exquisite..not another word till I’ve recovered.
As always – brilliant …. and so damned funny at the same time being so blithely ( ?) close to all the truths.
But really – you ARE very naughty, Rossleigh. ……….. ROFL.
I sincerely hope your keyboard never falls to bits………… 😉