Ah Facebook, it’s such a wonderful source of information. If it weren’t for one of my friends on Facebook, I’d have never found out about chemtrails. Neither would I have found out that polio and the measles are far less dangerous than the terrible chemicals that they put into injections.
With the fifteenth anniversary of September 11th, I couldn’t help but notice a large number of links to sites telling me that the US government was behind it all because the buildings collapsed downwards. According to various people, taking out most of a floor so that the higher floors are structurally unsound and having jet fuel leak all over the place shouldn’t cause a building to collapse. Well, I’m no scientist so – as with climate change – that makes my opinion just as good as anyone else’s. And in my non-scientific opinion, I would imagine that given how combustible it is, once any fuel leaked, there’d always be a risk of an explosion. Similarly, once the weight from above started to put more weight on the floors below, there’d be a build up which would eventually lead to the whole structure collapsing. And because I’ve been brainwashed into accepting Newton’s ideas about gravity, then I see downwards as the natural way for things to fall.
Now, as I’ve said many times, I do love a good conspiracy theory, so I’m not going to ignore all the great theories about September 11th just because a large number don’t make sense. If I can find one that suits my particular world view and I can some how link it to Christopher Pyne, then I’m going to agree with it even if there’s a distinct lack of evidence. As Malcolm Roberts said on Q&A, until someone produces empirical evidence that backs up what I believe, I’m just going to argue that it’s all been fabricated!
My personal favourite conspiracy is the one about a group of people called Xezerovidians, who are controlling everything but I can’t tell you any more about it because they’re so effective that nobody outside the cult knows anything about it. But trust me, it’s real, it’s happening.
There, that should feed some people’s paranoia for a good few days. Imagine all the fun they’ll have discovering that I’m right because they can’t find any evidence of any group called the Xezerovidians.
Of course, I know that some people prefer conspiracies about the UN, Agenda 21, the Club of Rome because there’s so much information about the attempts to impose World Government, using the myth of climate change to justify everything, but personally, I’ve always thought that if I were an all-powerful group organising an attempt to secretly rule the world, I wouldn’t let so much information out.
Still, my information suggests that the air is harmful and breathing it makes you susceptible to mind control from the Xezerovidians and that the only way to be a truly free person is to stop breathing right now. (This could be Darwinism at its most useful…)
At the risk of creating a lot of controversy where some people attempt to tell me that drug companies are evil (probably true) and because they are evil things trying to profit off people, then cancer is just a conspiracy and it can cured by a mixture of baking soda and honey (almost certainly not true), while others will attempt to argue with them by using logic and reason completely overlooking the fact that such attempts are just proof of their inability to see that the whole system has brainwashed them because there’s a website which explains everything!
Anyway, my friend posted some extremely valuable advice about how to avoid “Neuro-lingistic programming” complete with an explanation of how it works.
Apparently, one should do the following. However, while retaining its ten commandments, I have replaced the website’s comments with my own insights:
1. Be extremely wary of people copying your body language.
I completely understand. Anyone who adopts the same body language as I am is merely doing so to control my brain. Let’s not consider the possibility that often this a perfectly normal thing for people to do when they’re relaxed. Which, of course, one should never be given the number of people trying to control your mind.
2. Move your eyes in random and unpredictable patterns.
Well, I always do. It’s part of scanning the environment in case, Scully and Mulder have failed to protect us and the aliens have taken over and are about to snatch my body.
3. Do not let anybody touch you.
Yes, ever since I realised that my wife’s brain had been taken over by outide influences, I’ve worried every time that she tries to kiss me good-bye, so when a stranger places a hand in me in a crowded train, I always scream loudly and repeat that my mind is my own and you’ll never control it until the stranger leaves me in peace. Often I have a special little area all to myself even in peak hour.
4. Be wary of vague language.
I warned you all about Malcolm Turnbull!
5. Be wary of permissive language.
Yep, if anyone tells you that you needn’t be worried or tells you to relax or to put down the chair because nobody’s trying to hurt you, then it’s clearly a trick.
6. Be wary of gibberish.
Mm, thank god, this website uses clear terms like “Neuro-linguistic programming” and steers clear of gibberish.
7. Read between the lines.
Over the years, I’ve found this very effective because there’s just a lot of blank spaces between the lines and this has enabled me to see the similarities in every book I’ve ever read. This is just another example of people trying to control us by giving the same message until we’re brainwashed.
8. Watch your attention.
Great advice, but I often find that when I try to watch my attention, I get confused about what I’m watching because all I notice is my attention wandering and then I can’t remember what it was on before I started watching it.
9. Don’t agree to anything.
I don’t accept this one at all!
10. Trust your intuition.
Yep, I always knew that I was right and that listening to other people who tried to confuse me with other ideas and so-called science and logical argument was the wrong move.
After reading this, I feel much better able to deal with the Donald Trump’s post-“7/11” world and I’m pretty sure that I’ll be able to resist all attempts at NLP.
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