Ok, I’m not going to write about Matt Canavan directly.
I mean, trying to write satire about a man who – until this mess – was meant to be running an important ministry, but just a few years ago wasn’t considered enough of an adult for his mum to actually ask his permission before she went ahead and made him an Italian citizen is like using dynamite to catch fish who are swimming in a fish bowl. And anyway, poor Senator Canavan is getting enough flack and if I wanted to kick a man when he was down, I’d go and write for the Murdoch newspapers.
No, it’s his mum I want to talk about because she’s given me a great template for getting rid of any of those pesky foreigners who happen to make it into parliament. And by “foreigners” I mean anybody who disagrees with me who happens to have one or two immediate relatives who were born overseas. I simply contact the country that one of their ancestors hails from and say we’d like to make them a citizen. I mean, it must be a pretty simple process if a mother can just say, “Hey, while you’re at it, can you make my son a citizen too?”
Now I would have thought that somebody would have asked the age of the son and, when told he was 25, would have asked if he was ok with this. Or asked him to sign something. But apparently not. Or maybe Matt’s mum just got his dad to sign the form for him.
And so if things are that lax, then maybe I could go in to the British consulate and say that I’m Tony Abbott’s dad and can you please make him a British citizen again. I know, apart from them possible saying, “What do you mean again?” or “Anybody that makes Phil a knight is automatically one of us”, there’s the little problem of the the fact that they’d want surely want some form of identification but – like Malcolm Roberts – I could simply sign a stat dec and say that I’ll produce the evidence when it’s needed. Surely that should be enough. Particularly when I – like Malcolm Roberts – point out that perjury could get me jailed for four years. Of course I’m not worried because it’d be someone called Dick Abbott who’d be the one committing the offence. Yes, Tony’s dad really is a “Dick” which suggests that all his life Tony has merely being trying to live up to his father’s name.
Yep, I’ve got the list of all the people who have some claim to foreign citizenship and I should be able to get rid of most of the ones I don’t like. Of course, this still doesn’t solve the problem of pesky Australians who get elected, but Matt’s mum can’t be expected to do everything.
But when I think about it, all the Catholics in parliament have an allegiance to the Pope. Does that make them ineligible? Actually, all the Christians in the Coalition have an allegiance to an all-powerful being who’s not Australian. No, not God… Rupert Murdoch.
I know that some of you don’t think that democracy should work that way, but if you say anything I’ll call you un-Australian. Or UN-Australian, because your first allegiance is to the U.N. and we know how unpatriotic anyone who listens to the United Nations is.
Mm, maybe then I could get rid of all those pesky lefties by arguing that their ineligible under section 44 because they owe an allegiance to that foreign entity, the UN!
Yep, if this keeps up, I’ll be the only one left eligible to stand for parliament.