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Making Tony Abbott Grate Again!

Yes, I can spell. I meant exactly what I wrote in the title. I’m sure that a few of you have been so disappointed with Malcolm that you’ve forgotten exactly how annoying Abbott was when people actually had to try and implement some of his thought-bubbles. Malcolm, on the other hand, resembles a shepherd whose sheep have discovered that not only is there a hole in the fence but that the sheep-dog that only responds to someone else’s commands. There are rumours that every now and then, Malcolm will suddenly stop meetings and ask if this is one where he’s meant to be paying attention, but I don’t believe it. I’ve heard that he understands that he never needs to pay attention in meetings and is expected to save all his energy for remembering when to say, “Jobs and Growth” and when to say, “Innovation”.

But let’s – like the Liberal party – just ignore Malcolm for now. Tony Abbott is about to make his big move. I can tell these things. And like everyone else who makes predictions, I’m prepared to just ignore it when I get it wrong.

Something in the way he urged Britain to embrace its exit from the stifling bureaucracy of the EU and to regain its rightful place as a world leader made me feel that we’re seeing Tony attempt his statesman impersonation again. (Ok, it’s not quite as convincing as when your uncle pretends that he’s Taylor Swift at the Karaoke bar, but he thinks it’s impressive.)

In case you didn’t catch it, Tony wrote a little foreword for the UK’s Free Enterprise Group where he suggested that this Brexit thing could be the making of Britain. To quote the man exactly:

“Brexit means that Britain is back.The country that gave the world the English language, common law and the Mother of Parliaments is once more to seize its destiny as a global leader.”

Yep, you certainly couldn’t suggest that any other country gave the world the English language, although some linguists might suggest that English is mainly the result of successful invasions. Surprisingly, he didn’t go on to tell us that soon Britannia would rule the waves again and that Britons never, never, never would be slaves. Perhaps that’s because it was only their inability to “stop the boats” of the Romans, Vikings, Saxons and Normans that led to the English language as we know it. And I did think that the phrase, “the Mother of Parliaments” may be open to misinterpretation – particularly in some parts of the US, but it was his comments on free trade that had me flummoxed.

Apparently he’d like a “one page” free trade deal with Britain. Now, I’m not sure what he had in mind because I would have thought that a free trade deal would be more complicated than something that would only take up one page. Maybe Mr Abbott thought it’d be something like, “In 1973, you left us but we never left you. Let’s get back together, because… well, you had me at Brexit!”

After telling us that “no two countries were more like-minded than Britain and Australia, with a common language, set of values and much shared history”, he cleverly didn’t mention knighthoods, but merely pointed out, “If a car is fit to be sold in Britain, it’s fit to be sold in Australia. If a doctor is fit to practise in Australia, he or she is fit to practise in the UK.” Ah… if only we had a car industry, it wouldn’t seem like the free trade deal involved us importing cars from Britain, while exporting doctors. Is he suggesting that maybe doctors will be moving there because under the Liberals nobody in Australia will be able to afford one?

So here’s the possible scenarios:

1. Suss Ley is found to have breached ministerial guidelines and Tony Abbott is appointed Health Minister. He uses his new position to put himself in conflict with Malcolm and causes a leadership spill. (Highly unlikely)
2. The inquiry finds that Suss Ley has broken no rules and she is allowed to return to her position. Abbott says that this is outrageous and the rules need to be changed and uses this populist position to challenge Malcolm. (Slightly more likely)
3. Suss Ley is found to have breached ministerial guidelines and, instead of Tony, someone else is appointed Health Minister. Various writers in the Murdoch Media – such as Peta Credlin and Andrew Bolt – suggest this is just petty-mindedness from Turnbull and he needs to be replaced. Tony launches challenge to “clear the air”, but someone else stands and wins. (Much, much more likely!)
4. Same as 3, except the Liberals realise that Abbott will throw the toys out of the cot like John Howard did all through the eighties, and wreck the party unless they make him leader again. (Probably most likely so far)
5. Tony will finally agree to become British High Commissioner. Once there, he’ll suddenly remember that he’s still a British citizen and stand for the Tory Party with the expectation that he’ll become PM of Britain. (Now, this one is a ridiculous as Donald Trump becoming President, so it’s got to be the most likely!)

Of course, there are other scenarios like Abbott will quietly fade into the background or aliens will take control of the Earth, but I decided not to list ones that were too far-fetched.


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  1. jim

    Mr abbitt when in opposition spent more than the PMs office at the time now, why do I get the feeling that Mr abbitt will be shown to be the biggest rorter/thief of all time?.

  2. Jaquix

    I will watch this space!

  3. helvityni

    I would gladly forget and even forgive Abbott for his misdemeanours, if we had been clever enough to replace him with someone better.

  4. Ella Miller

    Yes he GRATES and GRATES….I wish he would just wear away …like the rough sandpaper that has had its’ use by date.
    We do not need you Tony …tried the Vatican lately …?

  5. Matters Not

    Mal is to announce the creation of a ‘super’ department that includes the AFP, Border Force and relevant agencies. It resembles the US Department of Homeland Security (DHS) This idea was floated by Morrison some time back but swatted away as a power grab. Now it’s on, according to a ‘leak’ to the Murdoch Press.

    It’s a position that the autistic Abbott would absolutely love but Dutton, the Monkey Pod man, will be the overwhelming favourite.

  6. helvityni

    It’s not the ‘open’ borders that make me feel insecure, it is this government.

  7. babyjewels10

    With all this ammunition available to him, Bill Shorten remains virtually silent. What can this mean?

  8. Matters Not

    helvityni, when this new Department comes into existence you will feel so secure that you will venture out without your burqa, chadri or paranja . There will be a new air of freedom in the land. We will all jump for joy. Hail the Mighty Dutton! He will even rival the Mighty Quinn.

  9. Steve Laing -

    More joy Rossleigh! Your turn of phrase has me LOLing.

    A one page trade agreement. Says it all really. This simpleton is on another planet. He just doesn’t understand how negotiation works. For him the focus was getting the trade deals, never the quality of them. It may take a few years to work out just how badly he has undermined our sovereignty (unlike Andrew Robb who couldn’t get out of politics quick enough – talk about a rat and sinking ships), but you just know that he has, simply because he couldn’t even negotiate Jacquie Lambie onside. So whilst he wasn’t prepared to sell his arse, he was more than happy to sell ours, and he wants to do it again to Britain. He wants to gift the colony back to the Queen, probably in return for some stupid title and hopefully a uniform or two.

    So I truly hope he makes his bid for the top job again soon. Nothing would delight me more than to watch the bitchfight between Australia’s two worst prime ministers, and their associated lackies. Which way would Julie go? Dutton? ScroMo (I’ve decided I like it better with the r inserted, because he is a big sack of bollocks)?

  10. 1petermcc

    Nice call Ella. Wish I had thought of that.

    Pell and Abbott together again in Testosterone (oops, I mean Vatican) City. It’s become quite a collection point for shysters.

  11. bobrafto

    Can someone tell me if it’s in the rules that Abbott can go jaunting all over the place giving lectures and getting paid for it, while still collecting his pay.

    One wouldn’t be able to do this in a private employ.

    And shouldn’t his pay be docked when he heads OS?

  12. Terry2

    Or, the electors of Warringah realize that he has done nothing for them and vote him out at the next election and he gets a job and we hear no more of him – unlikely but what a lovely thought.

  13. Kronomex

    I will be surprised if the sock puppet is still “leader” and Pretend Minister in six months time. Arfur Seenodonours of the bad memory is stand-in minister for Annabelle Ley…here’s betting she won’t be back in that position. Truffles, I think, is seeing the writing on the wall about his position and will be trying to load the ship of fools with his own gang of incompetents to stave off the Mad Monk Abbottputin.

  14. Kevin07

    The best thing the LNP could do is to bring back TA. Chinese philosopher Loa Tzu once said: ‘Foolishness is bound to foolishness’, subtle or otherwise, it matters not. With TA in charge the need for change is going to more obvious thus ensuring an election washout for the Liberals. Getting behind TA, a grate idea.

  15. passum2013

    Just love this all because Politicians over use their expenses

  16. Ronelle

    My first time here and have been delightfully entertained. Thank you all.

  17. Gangey1959

    @ Ella. No point the mad monk sucking off, oops I mean sucking up, to georgie pell and his mental case mates in red at the vatican, he’s too effing old now. Can you imagine him dressed in an altar boys gettup and budgie smugglers ? I reckon gp would think christmas had come twice.
    I do like the idea of our adorable bunch of reprobates on the make from Canberra having to report on a fortnightly basis through Centerlink, and getting their repayments in a similar fashion. Especially if they too had a cap at which their expenses and their incomes started to negate one another.

  18. amethyst3009

    I LOVE Rossleigh.

    He always gets it ‘just right’. Wonderful !!!

  19. Jennifer Meyer-Smith

    Well I’m disappointed that you didn’t put a No.6, as follows:

    Aliens visit Earth to check us out, see Rabid, recognise him as the image of one of their own lifeforms and whisk him off back to outer space, never to return.

    Margey and the girls are somewhat upset at first, but then Margey acclimatises pretty quickly.

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