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Kitsch Und Cabernet: Shelly Claws Shows What Politicians Are Like At Home

Voice Over: There’s no doubt that this leader has had more than his share of detractors but tonight we’re going to visit Adolph Thatcher in his own kitchen where he’ll be himself for several minutes while we unpick his brain and he’ll show you that he, in fact, does have a heart which he keeps in the pantry in the freezer. Tonight we’ll see what makes him tick. Apparently it’s because of his undiagnosed PSTD…

As you see I’m making a dessert of hard toffee with extra sugar because, if there’s one thing that this episode will need, it’s extra sugar.

OPENING CREDITS: KITSCH UND CABERNET with SHELLY CLAWS

CANDID SHOTS FROM SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES OF SHELLY ARRIVING AND BEING GREETED AT THE DOOR MAKING IT LOOK NATURAL AND NOT LIKE THE CAMERA CREW HAVE BEEN THERE FOR AGES SETTING UP AND WORKING OUT WHERE TO SHOOT FROM.

Shelly: Hello, Adolph. lovely drive.

Adolph: Thanks. I’ve been criticised a lot for it, but it’s just my way of ensuring that things get done in a muscular sort of way…

Shelly: I meant the drive to here. It’s a beautiful spot.

Adolph: Ah, yes, right.

Shelly: And the view.

Adolph: Which one? My view on law and order or my view on why Victorians shouldn’t be allowed to vote?

Shelly: No, the view of the property…

Adolph: Ah, well, that’s what I love about this place. It’s over a hundred years old and we’re renovating…

Shelley: Are you a hands on renovator?

Adolph: Well, only in terms of knocking things down so someone else can rebuild…

Shelley: Sort of like your party

Adolph: Um…Shall we go inside?

Shelly: Thanks.

SUDDENLY THEY ARE IN THE KITCHEN WHERE THERE JUST HAPPEN TO BE SEVERAL CAMERAS ABLE TO SHOOT BOTH MEDIUM SHOTS AND CLOSE-UPS.

Adolph: This is the oven.

Shelly: I know, I’ve seen several before.

Adolph: Yes, well, I just thought I should point it out so people know that am aware of what an oven looks like and I’m not confused by the fact that it says, “SMEG”, which must be some foreign name for an oven…

Shelly: So what are you making for me?

Adolph: Well, I thought that a seafood chowder with crab would be appropriate.

Shelley: Lovely.

Adolph: I’m just going to turn on the oven.

Shelley: Better turn on the oven before it turns on you…

Adolph: Sorry?

Shelley: Just a little joke about the way Morrison managed to get you to challenge Turnbull only to use that to take over himself.

Adolph: Are you suggesting that Morrison is an oven?

Shelley: No… Actually do you really need an over if you’re going to use the stove top to cook the…

Adolph: Do you want to take over? I know what I’m doing. I said that this was an oven didn’t I?

Shelley: No, no, it’s fine. Look how about if we show a few shots of you cutting up food and then we’ll go for a walk and you can tell me something that humanises you.

Adolph: I could do that while I cut up the vegetables. I am capable of multitasking, you know.

SHOTS OF KNIFE SLICING THROUGH POTATO.

Shelley: So you were the eldest and your parents got divorced…

Adolph: Yes, I always think that it’s hardest on the eldest. There was time when I blamed them for getting divorced and all the money problems that followed…

Shelley: And this is why it took you so long to be able afford a house?

Adolph: Yes, I bought a house at 19 but it took years to pay off…

Shelley: I understand that you have undiagnosed PTSD…

Adolph: Yes, I’ve witnessed some terrible things. Like there was that poor family that I had to refuse dental treatment for their two-year-old… and I had to look at files from a thirty year old case.. and some of the things that happened to people I took back to the cells…it’s been horrible…

Shelley: Have you thought of getting professional help?

Adolph: No, well, when I was younger you just sucked it up and got on with it.

Shelley: What about now?

Adolph: Now? But I’m… that would make me… I don’t need…

Shelley: Why don’t you show me where you mediate?

Adolph: Ah, yeah, I think there’s enough shots of the food till we eat it.

WALK IN OUTDOORS WITH LOTS OF ENORMOUS TREES

Shelley: Wow…

Adolph: This just shows that I’m in touch with my soft side. I meditate here.

Shelley: What about when you’re in Canberra?

Adolph: Then I don’t meditate, but I do say my mantra.

Shelley: What’s your mantra?

Adolph: It’s just a single word.

Shelley: Ok, tell me what it is.

Adolph: No.

Shelley: Is that because it’s private?

Adolph: No, that’s because my mantra is “no”!

Shelley: Oh, right…

CUT BACK TO MEAL TABLE WHERE THEY CAN JUST IMPROVISE BY TALKING ABOUT FOOD AND WINE AND STEER CLEAR OF ANYTHING THAT MIGHT BRING AN ABRUPT END TO THE SHOW.

 

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8 comments

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  1. Andrew Smith

    ‘Adolph’ reminiscent of the character name/usage in tv film version of Huxley’s ‘Brave New World’ i.e. ‘Adolph Rockefeller’, representing fossil fuel oligarchs’ propensity for authoritarian leaders, oligopolies, autarky and WASP exceptionalism; manifested in fossil fuel and auto owners’ approval of 1930s Germany and Italy.

    As the article suggests, it’s done differently post WWII with the help of consolidated RW media and PR…..

  2. Harry Lime

    I forced myself to see glimpses of that ABC horseshit,whilst resisting the urge to vomit…My opinion of that fuckhead has only hardened…a blinkered ,heartless bigot,whose unsuitability as a leader of this country screamed around the country like a nuclear alarm siren.Can anyone imagine the holocaust in this country were he to stumble into the Lodge? He’d make Abbott the Mad Monk,and Scotty the Liar,look like Hare Krishnas.
    And Shelley Claws needs to disappear into a kelp forest.

  3. Paul Smith

    Needless to say I lolled out loud as I read your parody of the Dutton episode of Kitchen Cabinet. But I also appreciated the episode itself. Anyone who gets Annabel Crabb – what she does – would have been on the lookout for the way she uses visuals to say what she wouldn’t sol. There was SO MUCH footage of Dutton cutting vegetables, for example. What was she showing us? Dutton is clearly not someone who knows how to use an actual knife. He was utterly out of his depth as he laboriously fumbled the job of cutting vegetables. It was a filmic metaphor of Dutton the “leader”.

  4. Phil Pryor

    What a horrible, contrived, disillusioning, bent, propagandising, distorted try at “entertainment” this crap is. We saw a little cut, long ago, of Morrison the Merdey when it was “news”, but as with this, it exposed the flattened superficiality of the deficient subject matter and the keen vanity of those who thought they might benefit from brainless self exposure, e g, Mme Crabb a lightweight surpassing hydrogen. Peter Duckwit-Futton is not very human, or approachable by normal standards. Even Freud migh shiver at the task of tolerating it for the “good” of the needy patient, but, his (Dutton’s) past utterances and behaviour patterns are there.., he is not decent, a leader, a pleasant chap, a kitchen type, just a nothing much and entirely forgettable. So many quiet conservative types, tertiary trained, experienced, qualified, balanced and wise enough, find themselves looking at the chosen political leader of the likely party of functional conservatism, and find a tendency to gag, chuck, bile up and feel dismayed, betrayed. A dark and ugly cartoon is our Dutton…

  5. leefe

    HarryLime:

    “And Shelley Claws needs to disappear into a kelp forest.”

    Sorry, the kelp forests are all dying (or already dead), thanks to climate change.

  6. andyfiftysix

    i havent watched any episodes. The ABC angle on exposing the human side makes me sick. But look i get it, the ABC needs to stay relevant by broadcasting some entertainment. In a perfect world we would see the human side and Dutton would act like a human. You know, even handed reporting, just like climate change debates, even handed……..got to give the shit heads equal time. But we have experienced the unsuitability of Dutton ever joining the human race first hand over the last 12 yrs.
    WTF? wake up man. He is a cultural worrior, he sees the war as his way back into government.

    So everyone is using everyone on this show, how strange, hahahahaha.
    Adolf is such a good nick name.

    Importantly, the ABC needs to get out of the “relevance ” game and get back to good old fashioned hard hitting news and education. Leave the entertainment to the expert clowns.

  7. Clakka

    Yes Rossleigh, love it.

    I couldn’t watch it. The trailers were enough; banality brings me out in a rash.

    Revelation ABC-style, themed on Play School, because they can’t tune their news bias, nor imbue literacy or take the stammering screech outa their terrified reporters. The old guard rendered to glib cheshire cats, puppet-gloves to the board and back-room manipulators hired in from NewsCorpse. As for entertainment, gone are the halcyon days of Oz written, produced and acted features and series. Why do it when you can trash our talent, and as often as affordable, steal trashy US acculturation from the commercial stations, or show endless repeats of British also-rans and old war stories.

    Speaking of war stories, it is apparent that Adolf’s mantra really is “kill, Kill, Kill … ” (he was obviously under instructions to keep it quiet), he did after all say he’d decided on going in hard as opposed to playing touch. We have learned that his monotone is not to be mistaken for fair-minded gravitas, but the constant and convenient output of an automaton / drone replete with PTSD (Programmed Tone-Supressed Didact).

    The twittery bird’s-eye view from inside the ABC’s carapace only zoomed us into the seafood chowder entrained with smeg, like some facsimile of second-hand bird’s nest soup. Perhaps we need Julian and his mob to promulgate the unadulterated images, the instructions of the controllers, and the collateral damage; the real story of Adolf & Co.

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