By Terence Mills
Marriage equality campaigners have shown patience, goodwill and perseverance and whilst the first skirmish has been won the parliamentary battle remains; this offering is a look at the lighter side of some of the silliness.
Kevin Andrews MP want to introduce changes to the Marriage Act that will allow businesses to discriminate on who they serve based not only on whether they are gay or not – he accepts that discrimination based purely on sexuality would be unlawful – but he insists that trades people should be given the right based on a conscientious belief reasonably held to discriminate against people who are LGBTQI and who may use the product in question at or in association with a gay type marriage or wedding.
Confusing, isn’t it? But Kevin is preparing a video that will clear things up once and for all: the scene is a bakery in Kevin’s electorate of Menzies. The Man is played by Matt Canavan; the Baker by Scott Morrison and Eric by Christopher Pyne.
A man enters the bakery and inspects the display of cakes, buns etc. He is approached by the baker:
Baker: Can I help you?
Man: A pie floater with Worcestershire sauce please.
Baker: (looks customer up and down) You wouldn’t be of a Gay persuasion would you?
Man: What’s that got to do with purchasing a pie floater with Worcestershire sauce. Are you seeking to discriminate against me and my choice of sustenance?
Baker: No, it’s just that if you were of a Gay persuasion and if the pie, should I elect to supply it, were to be taken to or in any way participate either actively or passively in a marriage type service involving two persons of a corresponding gender, then I would not be able to serve you based on my conscientious beliefs which are genuinely held that my pies should not be in attendance at any such gathering or function.
Man: I believe that my rights to personal privacy do not require me to divulge to you any information on my gender identity or persuasion. Apart from which, what makes you think that I am Gay anyhow and that I may be attending a gay wedding?
Baker: People who come in here don’t usually say Worcestershire sauce, they say Brown sauce and I noticed that your hair is dyed magenta red and that you are clutching a man-purse. This, according to the legislation allows me to form a reasonable belief that you may be of a gay persuasion. I also noted that you are wearing a carnation in the lapel of your puce jacket which leads me to believe on reasonable grounds that you may be attending or participating in a Gay marriage ceremony and in accordance with the prevailing laws I can decline to serve you a pie-floater with or without Worcestershire sauce: so, on your bike, sunshine.
Man: Well, Sherlock, you’re off base on that one because I’m actually a One Nation supporter and this is how we get about and my hair colour reflects my love of our dear leader. As a dual citizen born in Britain I choose to call the sauce of my choice Worcestershire and not Brown.
Baker: I’m still not convinced and I seem to detect a lisp in your pronunciation or Worcestershire and that according to my conscientiously held and well founded belief gives me the right to deny you service. However, in the interests of fairness I’ll call my assistant Eric for his opinion: (calls out) Oh Eric are you free?
Eric: Yes, poppet, coming.
Baker: Eric, I have reasonable and a well based conscientious belief that this customer who wishes to purchase a pie-floater with Worcestershire sauce may be of a Gay persuasion and may be taking said pie-floater to a marriage celebration of two persons of a corresponding gender: I need your advice.
Eric: Get him to walk around a bit, it’s a dead giveaway.
Man walks around the shop
Baker: I detect a certain mincing gait that gives me reason to believe on a conscientious basis that this customer is of a gay persuasion and I can rightfully deny service, what do you think, Eric?
Eric: Ooh, nice bum!
Man takes a close look at the baker and Eric the assistant
Man: Based on a well-founded and reasonable belief and in accordance with the Consumer Protection (Cakes, Buns, Pies and other Confectionary) Act 2017 I consider that these are premises with a gay and/or LGBQTI inclination and accordingly on a conscientious basis I hereby withdraw my order for a pie floater with Worcestershire sauce.
It can’t get any worse folks!