As we seem to have entered a phase where the level of spin in the country is so great that Shane Warne would have struggled to get a game in Prime Minister’s Eleven, I’ve started wondering who the various politicians in the Morrison government had been if born in previous times.

For example, if Christian Porter had been King John:

”This has been a complete capitulation by the rebel barons! They have agreed to stop spreading lies about me and their insurrection is at an end. They have acknowledged that I am the rightful king and that they will pay their taxes and that I have a right to set them and we’ve set all this out in a document I initiated called the Magna Carta. They have also acknowledged that I am clearly above the law because this document was created by me and if I’m not the chief law-maker then who is?”

Or if Scotty Morrison had been Fletcher Christian:

”Yes, I said I was ambitious for Captain Bligh and I gave him a small boat and the opportunity to demonstrate his sailing skills by getting back to England. As for any suggestions that I was plotting against him, I deny it completely. There was a vacancy once he was put on that boat and the ship needed a captain.”

Or if Peter Dutton had been Abraham Lincoln:

”Look, I make no apology for the conditions that slaves are held under. If they choose to come here by boat, then they have to accept what they’re given, and no, I don’t swallow the bleeding heart abolitionists who say that they were forced to come here. They could have chosen to be shot in their homelands.”

Or if Stuart Robert had been Pontius Pilate:

”Well, we sent Jesus a letter asking him to prove that he wasn’t guilty of anything and he didn’t reply, so I asked the soldiers to look into it and I don’t see any connection between this and his decision to allow himself to be crucified. I don’t like the term ‘Robocross’ and I’ve never heard it before, but holding me responsible is unfair and I completely wash my hands of any blame!”

If Josh Frydenberg had been Captain of The Titanic:

”You’ll notice that in spite of the problems caused by the iceberg which was completely out of our control, that we’re now in a much better position. While there’s still some problems in the stern, you’ll notice that the bow of the ship is higher than ever and is still rising, which is a credit to our capacity in steering the ship.”

If Craig Kelly (ok, he’s no longer technically in the government) had been Christopher Columbus:

“Ok, I think we’ve sailed far enough to prove that the world is flat, we should turn around now and go back before we lose sight of Spain.”

If Linda Reynolds had been Richard Nixon:

”The people involved in the Watergate break-in were all sacked from their current role and it was up to the hotel as to whether they wanted to press charges. I think anyone suggesting that I should have done more is just… Oh, I’ve just remembered that I have a pre-existing condition brought on by people asking too many questions, so all appearances are cancelled until you’ve forgotten about this!”

The Murdoch papers if any of them had been found to be Jack the Ripper:

”While Jack has his eccentricities and nobody would suggest that he’s without fault, his colleagues all agree that he does a great job for his electorate and that he’s a great retail politician. Any suggestion that he should be dis-endorsed at the next election would be an over-reaction.”