Merry Christmas, one and all!
Ok, I’m a little late but I thought that I should say “Merry Christmas” to spite all those people who tell me that we can’t say it any more. Mind you, they’re usually conservative columnists.
Yes, every year we get told about political correctness gone mad and how there’s all these people objecting to the traditions of Christmas.
“When I went round knocking on doors and singing Christmas carols, some PC warrior called the police and they forced me to stop because, according to them, I was ‘too drunk’ and I should go home to bed. Honestly, what’s it come to when you can’t have a few beers and stay out past midnight on Christmas Eve!!”
And underdoubtedly some of you have carefully tried to avoid politics at your family Christmas get-together. In spite of that, of course, there’s always some relative who insists on bringing up something. When the Christmas ham is served, they suddenly remember the story in last week’s paper about the Muslim uber driver who refused to take a couple carrying a ham.
“Outrageous,” says Uncle Barry, “ham is a tradition going back to the time of Christ and the Last Supper where he insisted that his disciples eat meat and have a few wines every Christmas, so those vegans should be jailed along with those Muslims who stop us saying things like ‘Merry Christmas’…”
While wiser heads may let Uncle Barry have his rant, working on the theory that he’ll stop now that he’s had his say, but usually there’s at least one who can’t just let it lie and accept that Uncle Barry is still angry even though he has the Three Stooges trifecta of Donald, Boris and Scottie all in power… Ok, lots of Christmases it was probably me.
Anyway, at this point, the One Who Gets The Blame For Ruining Christmas makes the mistake of saying something like, “Well, won’t Morrison’s religious discrimination bill actually support the Islamic taxi driver in his decision to refuse service?”
“No,” says Uncle Barry, “that attorney general Christian bloke said it wouldn’t.”
“Oh,” asks the One, “on what grounds?”
“Because ham is a Christian tradition!” shouts Uncle Barry.
“But not a religious one.”
After a few moments of discussion about the finer points of what differentiates a secular tradition from a religious one, Uncle Barry will announce how the tertiary institutions are full of Communists who are confusing our kids with a lot of nonsense before switching the conversation to the left-wing media who wouldn’t even let Scomo take a holiday.
“Nobody says he couldn’t take a holiday. It was just his timing. And he knew his timing was bad so that’s why his office lied about him being in Hawaii…”
At this point, the Peacemaker will intervene and suggest that we change the subject and pudding will be served soon and she used grandma’s recipe and it looks really good.
A few moments of discussion about the pudding, then…
“Grandma would be asheamed of you,” says Uncle Barry. “You and all your greenie mates are responsible for all of Australia burning.”
Just as the One is about to reply, the Peacemaker serves the pudding and asks for a change of subject again. Everyone eats in silence before the Joker starts humming Billy Joel’s “We Didn’t Start The Fire.”
Later on, the Peacemaker will speak to the One and ask, “Do you have to? I mean, can’t you just leave politics out of it?” At this point, the One Who Gets The Blame will slink off and find a place as far away from Uncle Barry as possible before being told to rejoin the festivities because they are being anti-social and, it is Christmas, after all.
Yes, like I said at the beginning. Merry Christmas, one and all!
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