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How Good Is Christmas In Speedos?

Merry Christmas, one and all!

Ok, I’m a little late but I thought that I should say “Merry Christmas” to spite all those people who tell me that we can’t say it any more. Mind you, they’re usually conservative columnists.

Yes, every year we get told about political correctness gone mad and how there’s all these people objecting to the traditions of Christmas.

“When I went round knocking on doors and singing Christmas carols, some PC warrior called the police and they forced me to stop because, according to them, I was ‘too drunk’ and I should go home to bed. Honestly, what’s it come to when you can’t have a few beers and stay out past midnight on Christmas Eve!!”

And undoubtedly some of you have carefully tried to avoid politics at your family Christmas get-together. In spite of that, of course, there’s always some relative who insists on bringing up something. When the Christmas ham is served, they suddenly remember the story in last week’s paper about the Muslim uber driver who refused to take a couple carrying a ham.

“Outrageous,” says Uncle Barry, “ham is a tradition going back to the time of Christ and the Last Supper where he insisted that his disciples eat meat and have a few wines every Christmas, so those vegans should be jailed along with those Muslims who stop us saying things like ‘Merry Christmas’…”

While wiser heads may let Uncle Barry have his rant, working on the theory that he’ll stop now that he’s had his say, but usually there’s at least one who can’t just let it lie and accept that Uncle Barry is still angry even though he has the Three Stooges trifecta of Donald, Boris and Scottie all in power… Ok, lots of Christmases it was probably me.

Anyway, at this point, the One Who Gets The Blame For Ruining Christmas makes the mistake of saying something like, “Well, won’t Morrison’s religious discrimination bill actually support the Islamic taxi driver in his decision to refuse service?”

“No,” says Uncle Barry, “that attorney general Christian bloke said it wouldn’t.”

“Oh,” asks the One, “on what grounds?”

“Because ham is a Christian tradition!” shouts Uncle Barry.

“But not a religious one.”

After a few moments of discussion about the finer points of what differentiates a secular tradition from a religious one, Uncle Barry will announce how the tertiary institutions are full of Communists who are confusing our kids with a lot of nonsense before switching the conversation to the left-wing media who wouldn’t even let Scomo take a holiday.

“Nobody says he couldn’t take a holiday. It was just his timing. And he knew his timing was bad so that’s why his office lied about him being in Hawaii…”

At this point, the Peacemaker will intervene and suggest that we change the subject and pudding will be served soon and she used grandma’s recipe and it looks really good.

A few moments of discussion about the pudding, then…

“Grandma would be asheamed of you,” says Uncle Barry. “You and all your greenie mates are responsible for all of Australia burning.”

Just as the One is about to reply, the Peacemaker serves the pudding and asks for a change of subject again. Everyone eats in silence before the Joker starts humming Billy Joel’s “We Didn’t Start The Fire.”

Later on, the Peacemaker will speak to the One and ask, “Do you have to? I mean, can’t you just leave politics out of it?” At this point, the One Who Gets The Blame will slink off and find a place as far away from Uncle Barry as possible before being told to rejoin the festivities because they are being anti-social and, it is Christmas, after all.

Yes, like I said at the beginning. Merry Christmas, one and all!


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  1. Hotspringer

    Ham is fine, as long as it’s kosher and comes from Gadarene swine.

  2. crypt0

    Who wouldn’t even let Scomo take a holiday.?
    Wasn’t me anyway … I was hoping he’d take a really long holiday … like .. oh, Harold Holt.
    Maybe next year ?

  3. DrakeN

    God’s vengance by fire and African Swine Fever will get us all, I tells yer.

  4. Bronte ALLAN

    Great article Rossleigh! Sounds a bit like Christmas dinners all over the country. at ours, I got into the usual argy bargy with my stepson, a great lad, but so liberal it is not funny. As far as he is concerned us bloody labor/socialists should just leave his best mate (the SloMo & all of his “wonderful” croney mates, alone) & just let them get on with running our great country. we had a great day & a great meal as usual, just a bit spoilt by his firm belief in just how good is the COALition mob & just how great they are at running our country! Compliments of the season to you & yours also!

  5. Patagonian

    That photo of Smoko. Waaaaaaay too much information.

  6. Michael Taylor

    That’s why I never go to the beach. Some things, once seen, can never be unseen.

  7. Wobbley

    Unfortunately, at this point in the nations history, we have too many uncle Barry’s, if only we could get rid of that other ugly fascist uncle, you know that scum, Turdoch.

  8. Vikingduk

    Wow, look at that, a true xmas miracle. An unflushable albino turd washes onto beach and wearing sluggos. Uncanny resemblance to the liar from the shire. Jeez, is this the second coming? The Rupture the rock spider protectors, them hillsong wankers are waiting for? An albino turd, wearing sluggos and walking. Did it glide over the swell? Do you kiss its ring, you know, for them special blessings? Does it have a mate? Another turd with a passing resemblance to mrs liar from the shire? A double hit of smirking jerks?

  9. Brad Black

    I think people should get off smoko’s back (sorry Sco Mo). His role in government is to kick the goals not piss about helping the plebs! I think it was entirely honourable of him to remove himself from the action until a better (and safer) PR opportunity arose.

    And let’s face it, if he’d hung around the cameras during the fires with his sleeves rolled up he might have been expected to get involved, hand out the water bottles or worse make sandwiches or worse still rescue a fken Koala.

    Nope, no such thing for our smoko (sorry Sco Mo).

    How conniving is he!

  10. wam

    You could be like me, rossleigh, with a voice that sounds acceptable, even melodious, when heard by my internal system but when there is only the malleus, incus and stapes to pick up the the song the vibrations become shudders resulting in a disastrous noise. Thus that which you think is carol’s melody is cacophony’s.annoyance.
    Scummo looks awful in his galah secreting cossie but would not have been out of place at xmas lunch where all, except our family of 3, were current, or retired, service men and women The three of us smiled through the attacks on the lefty media picking on the pm and on trump but letting the qld woman off. “Shit he was only a phone call away.”. I was good on climate change agreeing it is a natural process not so good on god but.

  11. LambsFry Simplex.

    Does wam mean malleus in malleus maleficarum, rather than the inside of the lug?

  12. Michael Taylor

    Hooley dooley we get some crap emails at The AIMN. Dozens of them a day, in fact.

    This one deserves a prize:

    Your website is nominated,
    for best fashion photo of the year 2020 in catogory fashion.
    Our international jury has registered your website on the competition list, for more info go to https: (I have removed this in case someone clicks on it and it’s a virus)

    Thank you

  13. Rossleigh

    Is this about the photo of me in Speedos?

  14. Phil

    flaccid body….equally flaccid mind…this pathetic man is a physical and intellectual failure…he epitomises weakness of mind and absence of spirit …. a lack of personal discipline …..makes a mockery of leadership…and of the white middle aged male…actually, methinks there are millions like him…scary….and so sad to see the fall

  15. wam

    yes lambs fry when i read the post I thought of a dark age indoctrinating witch hunting bastard, thanks boobby, but the memory of a 40 acre paddock singing voice won the ‘mal’.
    ps Michael I have a trailing pinky which touches the edge of my ipad and up pops all sorts of rubbish often without the little x in the corner.

  16. LambsFry Simplex.

    Yep. Ice-cold prick he is.

  17. Gangey

    Their god that is an UGLY pic.
    There was a casual forklift driver at where I work as another casual forklift driver (he’s 25 and I’m 60) who thinks Australia would be fixed if the politicians were paid 3 times what they are now because then we would get people in it for the job not the money, and if all of the atheist, left-wing, brown/yellow/black/indigenous/not-quite-me/older-than-40/tried-and-failed-homebuyers/welfare cheats were just deported to wherever they had come from in the first place Australia would be so much better off because there would be more money to spread around.
    Apparently we don]t need a manufacturing or agriculture industry here because it is sooooo much more efficient to get the job done by wun bung lung and his mates in the land of the lying dragon and shipped here at our expense into their ports.
    Oh, and climate change is just a bullshit myth to explain why summer is getting hotter and longer.

    Does anyone know how to remove dickhead remains from the bottom of a forklift ?

    Happy New Year

  18. Roswell

    What’s ugly about it, Gangey? 😉

  19. Roswell

    Just drive the forklift through a car wash. Remember to take snorkelling gear.

  20. BMason

    Good God, I will never erase that from my memory.
    Check in 12 months time, bet that gut will have grown to a few more inches.
    Only reason he is in such a high position, all the high priced food he can eat at our expense.
    He is on a power trip and there’s no knocking him off it!
    Now is the time for another John Wills Booth.

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