Interviewer – Tonight, we’re very pleased to have Tiny Abbott to explain the government’s position on SPC-Ardmona. Good evening, Mr Abbott.

Tiny – Good evening, I’d just like to explain that I’m just a spokesman. I’m not actually in charge.

Interviewer – Yes, I understand that.

Tiny – Well, many people don’t. It’s because we have such a similar name, but I’m Tiny.

Interviewer – Whereas he’s not.

Tiny – What do you mean?

Interviewer – Nothing, can we get on with the interview. Now, you’ve announced that there’ll be no support for SPC-Ardmona. Why is that?

Tiny – Are you suggesting that he’s bigger than me?

Interviewer – No. SPC-Ardmona?

Tiny – What about it?

Interviewer – No assistance.

Tiny – Yes, well why should we give taxpayers’ money to industries which are profitable?

Interviewer – So that they don’t close.

Tiny – But why would we want to support unprofitable industries?

Interviewer – I mean isn’t that what you’re direct action plan is going to do?

Tiny – Unprofitable industries shouldn’t be propped up by the government.

Interviewer – Why not?

Tiny – What about it?

Interviewer – So that they don’t close.

Tiny – Well, why would we want that?

Interviewer – Pardon?

Tiny – Look, part of the reason that they’re unprofitable is that they pay their workers too much.

Interviewer – Really?

Tiny – Of course.

Interviewer – How much is too much?

Tiny – Well, anything above the minimum wage… Which is far too high, by the way.

Interviewer – So, what about the ABC?

Tiny – What about it?

Interviewer – It doesn’t make a profit are you planning to close it?

Tiny – I thought I was here to discuss closing companies like Holden down because they pay workers who support the Labor party.

Interviewer – SPC-Ardmona

Tiny – Or that.

Interviewer – Ok, so what about the ABC?

Tiny – What about it?

Interviewer – Are you going to close it?

Tiny – We’re going to make it more efficient.

Interviewer – Why?

Tiny – Well, you can’t just throw money around at things that don’t make a profit.

Interviewer – Does Rupert Murdoch know that?

Tiny – Pardon?

Interviewer – Well, he’s subsidising various newspapers who don’t make a profit…

Tiny – Now, hang on. I’m quite sure that criticising Rupert Murdoch is within my allowable areas of comment.

Interviewer – Can Tony Abbott criticise Murdoch?

Tiny – Why would he? Look, I’m out of my depth here.

Interviewer – Can you send someone who’s able to comment intelligently next time?

Tiny – Do we have someone who’s able to comment intelligently? Oh, wait, yes. We can get you Erica Bets. Not the senator who says wage are too high. Erica. She’s very, very good.

Interviewer – Thanks, Tiny

Tiny – What’s that meant to mean? Gee, you’re lucky you’re not on the ABC, you’d be forced to flirt with Joe Hockey.

Interviewer – Good night.

Tiny – You know that Mr Abbott is more than happy to appear on Q&A as soon as they get rid of that Q bit. Possibly the ampersand, too. I have no instructions on the ampersand.

Interviewer – Good night, and to the people of Shepparton. That’s what you get for living in a safe Liberal seat!

Tiny – Shepparton? Where’s that?