Of course, one wonders if Donald Trump will be able to overcome what I see as his biggest hurdle: finding a running mate. I mean, would you want to be his Vice President?
Picture the first day of Trump’s presidency. In the absence of an actual running mate, I’m going to use the name, “Mickey Mouse” to refer to the VP.
Trump – Right, now we need to get started. Where’s Mickey?
Mickey – I’m right here, Mr President.
Trump – Let’s start. What do you think my most significant promise was?
Mickey – I don’t know. They were all so good.
Trump – Excellent. Ok then, let’s start with the shutting down that Internet thingy. Could someone bring the Internet in here?
There is a silence.
Trump – Didn’t you hear me? I said that I wanted the Internet brought in here!
Intern – You can’t actually bring the Internet in here… It’s not actually a physical thing.
Trump – You’re fired!
Trump – You! Go and get the Internet. (A staffer dashes out) Ok, now what’s next?
Mickey – Well, you did say something about stopping Muslims entering the country…
Trump – You! Get onto that.
Staffer 2 – Exactly how do you want this to work? I mean does this include Muslims who live here who’ve popped out somewhere else on business.
Trump – Of course.
Staffer 2 – And how will we identify them?
Trump – Haven’t they been identified yet? Just what has our security service been doing?
Staffer 2 – But how will the people at the airport identify them?
Trump – By the big sandwich board that says “Beware! I am a Muslim”. That was one of my election pledges,
Staffer 2 – But even if we required American Muslims to wear something, the overseas ones aren’t subject to our laws, so…
Trump – NOT SUBJECT TO OUR LAWS? You’re fired, no wait… I think that’s called treason or something. Hand yourself in before I have to send the CIA to look for you!
Staffer 2 – Mr President, it’s not treason, it’s just that we can’t make people in other countries wear things to identify…
Trump – Didn’t you hear me? I said you were fired!
Staffer 2 – But then you changed your mind…
Trump – Take this guy out and have him shot and then start sending all the illegal immigrants back over the border immediately!
Staffer 3 – Mr President, before we do that, we’d have to identify them and that’s not easy.
Trump – Not easy? They’re the ones with moustaches and foreign sounding names like Pedro and Juan and Jesus.
Staffer 2 – Mr President, not all the latinos are illegals.
Trump – Why hasn’t this guy been taken out and shot yet?
Staffer 2 – Sir, you can’t actually have me shot. Well, not without a trial anyway.
Trump – I can’t? But I’m President. When I was in charge at “The Apprentice” they let me do what I liked.
Staffer 3 – There are regulations and laws which outline your powers, Mr President.
Trump – Well, have them all cancelled. Mickey, how do I go about getting rid of all this red tape which stops me from doing what I want?
Mickey – Maybe if you called a state of emergency.
Trump – Excellent. Let’s do that then. That should boost our ratings.
Staffer 3 – Sir, with respect, this is not a TV show.
Trump – So? It’s still all about ratings.
Mickey – I don’t think we can just call a state of emergency without some reason.
Trump – Well come up with a reason or you’re fired too!
Mickey – You can’t fire me, I’m Vice-President.
Trump – So?
Mickey – Well, the Constitution makes it very clear that…
Trump – Constitution? Did our ancestors worry about the Constitution when they invited the British to Thanksgiving and served them tea because we weren’t allowed to vote for the King who’d lower our taxes.
Mickey – That’s not quite what happened, but our founding fathers actually wrote the Constitution.
Trump – So I can just ignore it, because it was written by a bunch of people who aren’t around to object.
Mickey – Mr President, surely our first priority is to pick your cabinet.
Trump – I don’t have time to worry about the furniture.
Mickey – No, your cabinet. The people who’ll be in charge of the various areas of government.
Trump – I’m in charge. I’m President.
Mickey – But you can’t be expected to be on top of everything. You need advice from…
Trump – If I’d taken advice, I’d never have got where I am. So get out of here all of you. And get Putin on the phone. I’ve got a merger proposal that I’d like to discuss with him.
Mickey – A merger?
Trump – Well, more like a takeover. But I think Putin’ll be more likely to agree if I call it a merger.
Mickey – Ok, Mr President. Just one last thing. Could you approve this before I go?
Trump – What is it?
Mickey – It’s a top secret security matter. It’s called “Operation Oswald” and it’s absolutely vital to the security of this country. If you just sign it, we can commence and then you can put it right out of your head.
Trump – It was never in my head.
Mickey – Not yet…
Trump – Get started on those sandwich boards!
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