Shorten – My fellow Australians, as I listened to the Government’s fifth budget on Tuesday night, I knew immediately: We can do better than this. The people of Australia deserve better than this. And a Labor Government will deliver better than this.
Better than ten years of cuts to schools and hospitals – in exchange for $10 a week. $10 a week. That’s all the Liberals think it will take, for you to forgive and forget.
Julia Banks – People can live on $40 a week.
Michaelia Cash – Of course they can.
Malcolm – Yeah, $10 is heaps.
Shorten – The Liberals desperately want you to believe this budget is fair.
Malcolm Turnbull – It is, it is. Make him stop complaining. He’s lying, he’s lying, he’s lying. Make him stop.
Shorten – I’m here to outline Labor’s plan to bring the Fair Go back into the heart of our nation.
– A plan to properly fund health and education
– A plan to boost your wages
– And a plan for real tax cuts to help you with your family budget.
Scott Morrison – Unbelieva-Bill… Hey everyone, did ya hear what I called him? Unbelieva-Bill… Hee, hee, let’s all do it.
Malcolm – Unbelieva-Bill, Unbelieva-Bill, Unbelieva-Bill.
Mathias Corman – Liar, liar, pants on fire.
Shorten – It’s a plan we can afford, because we’re not going to spend $80 billion of tax expenditure on big business and the big banks.
Scott – Where’s ya costings?
Malcolm – Yeah, bet you did them on the back of an envelope.
Scott – Oooh, that’s a good one. How do you like that, Unbelieva-Bill?
Shorten – And it’s a plan that will work, because Australia thrives when middle class and working class Australians can get ahead.
Scott – We’ve got a plan too. We’ve got a plan for Jobs and Growth.
Mathias – Yeah, Jobs and Growth.
Malcolm – How do you like that, Unbelieva-Bill?
Mathias – Let’s make him cry. Let’s call him names until he runs home to his mummy. Hey, weak girlie man.
Malcolm – Don’t say that one?
Mathias – Why not?
Malcolm – Coz that’s what Tony calls me and I don’t want to think about him. Let’s just stick to “Unbelieva-Bill”. Hey, Unbelieva-Bill, I’m PM and you’re not. Ha ha. And…and I’m prefered PM so there.
Shorten – Our plan begins with a better and fairer tax system. After years of flat wages, rising power bills and increasing health costs under the Government: it’s a time for a fair-dinkum tax cut for middle class and working class Australians.
Scott – That’s because of Labor. That’s not our fault. It’s not, it’s not. We’re the adults. You ran up debt and we’ve had to try and fix it and we will because we’re awesome and even if the debt is twice is big now that’s not our fault, that’s your fault. It is, it is, it is. And we’re going to fix it next year and then everyone will know how great we are and we are because Uncle Rupert says so and he should know because he’s got lots and lots of money and that’s why we don’t ask him to pay any tax because he’s really good and he gives people jobs.
Malcolm – Let’s all shout Unbelieva-Bill again when Chrissy Pyne gets here.
Scott – Where is Chrissy?
Mathias – I think he and Michaelia are playing hide and seek and they’re both still hiding because they don’t realise that nobody’s looking for them.
Malcolm – Oh, it’s not as much fun calling Bill names without Chrissy. Remember when he called him a grub…
Mathias – No, he actually called him a c…
Malcolm – It was “grub”. He said it was “grub” and it only sounded like that naughty word because the microphone was a bit faulty.
Scott – Unbelieva-Bill.
Malcolm – It’s true. It’s really and truly what he said.
Scott – No, not you. I was just calling out at Bill because I wasn’t sure he heard me while he was speaking.
Mathias – Oh no, he’s finished and all these people in the gallery are cheering.
Malcolm – That’s not fair. Can we get Peter to take them in for re-education?
Scott – We could call it Gonski 3.0 and then people would be pleased that we were spending money on education. Hee, hee.
Malcolm – You’re so funny, Scottie. Let’s go outside and shout out “Unbelieva-Bill” until our friends on the Business Council join in.