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Captain Tony or “There Are Two Sides Out There And Only One Of Them Is Playing Cricket”

Good morning, it’s a perfect day for cricket at the Parliament Oval, and we understand that the game is going ahead, in spite of some complaints from Team Abbott that the wicket wasn’t fit to play on. Team Labor pointed out that it was the same wicket they’d batted on, but Tony, the Team Abbott captain argued that they’d spoiled the pitch by their extravagant batting, and it was up to him to prevent any further play until it improved. To bring you up to date with the game, we’re going to cross to Laurie:

“Good morning everyone. In its recent innings, Team Labor were going along nicely with their captain, Kevin at 68, when his batting partner ran him out. While they tried to salvage the innings, they were hampered by Kevin wandering back on to the oval every now and then to suggest that he never should have left the crease and that he’d really only retired hurt, which meant that he could be given another bat at the fall of the next wicket. T

eam Abbott took advantage of this confusion to do what it has always done best: sledge. Its captain, Tony, one of the best sledgers in the business, managed his side perfectly, and it was only when they were required to bowl a ball that there was confusion, with Team Abbott arguing that they didn’t have to bowl until the match re-started and it didn’t re-start until they’d bowled a ball. While this was going on, Julia convinced one of Team Abbott’s players to take over as scorer, which led to an enormous argument, with Team Abbott all saying that this man wasn’t fit to be anywhere near a cricket ground and that they weren’t going to pick him for the next match, so how could he be trusted to score? Eventually, the whole mess was sorted when Julia left her crease and Kevin, still on the ground whispering to an umpire that he’d like to have another bat, picked up the ball and ran her out. Kevin then replaced her for a short, but entertaining innings where he hit one six, which Tony wanted disallowed because it was a threat to all the cars. Eventually, Umpire Rupert signalled that Kevin was out because of the ‘six and out’ rule that Team Labor seemed to think didn’t apply to adult games.

“This morning, play resumed with Team Abbott batting. They were a bit confused at first, with the entire team wandering around the oval sledging random opponents and members of the crowd, but eventually Pyne strapped on the pads and strode purposefully to the wicket with his batting partner, David. Pyne played and missed at several deliveries before complaining that he couldn’t bat if they were going to bowl so fast. After a mid-wicket conference, Pyne walked back to the dressing room and hasn’t been seen since. Joe took up the batting, but for some reason had brought a hockey stick instead of a bat. When asked about this, he explained that when Team Labor was batting they messed everything up and that it would take some time to get things back to normal.

Nobody could quite understand how batting with the wrong implements would do that, but Joe persevered, swinging at each ball and claiming that it was Labor’s fault that he kept missing. Scott meanwhile was using his bat to ensure that no new spectators arrived, clubbing anyone who tried to come through the hole in the fence, arguing that unless they jumped the fence they were fair game. David was run out when he inexplicably left his crease to sledge the crowd, telling them that he didn’t think that there was anyone there he’d trust to make a paper plane, so Tony quickly changed the batting order, asking Scott not to come in next but to move to the people in the cheap seats and use his bat on anyone who he felt didn’t have a valid ticket, and moving himself higher up the batting order to steady the ship. He played and missed several times, as well as sustaining some nasty blows, which some commentors found amusing, because nobody from Team Labor had actually bowled a ball at him. The crowd started chanting for Bill to actually bowl the ball, but cricket strategists were suggesting that Bill was concerned that if actually bowled a delivery.

Tony would find a way of getting himself out, and then he’d have to bowl to either Malcom or Julie. Tony then began taunting his opponents about how he’d managed to end their innings, and that it was only because they had a great captain like him that his team was called Team Abbott and that he was going to call it Team Australia, and he could do that because he was captain and a grown-up, and being captain and a grownup meant that he could do what he liked, even change the rules of the game. Or stay up past his bed-time and play knights and dragons. It was at this point that Umpire Rupert interjected, saying that, in fact, he was the umpire, so the rules of the game were up to him, and, to prove it, he decreed that Tony’s coach should resign (which anyone who was watching Tony’s batting would have to think was a fair thing). The umpire at square leg then pointed out that there were, in fact, two umpires and that neither of them could alter the rules of the game either; they were simply there to rule on them. Rupert accused the other umpire of bias and suggested that he should do all the umpiring. After some discussion it was announced that there’d be a break for lunch while everyone decided what to do next. While Team Abbott is talking up its chances by declaring that it has plenty of batting to come, they haven’t actually looked like scoring. Back to the studio.”


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  1. paul walter

    I do SO love good satire.. what a week it has been for it, a redolently rich red-letter week.

  2. Phi

    Very entertaining – thanks Rossleigh.

    Abbott has really set himself up for ridicule, his party must be feeling like total idiots lining up behind such a fool.

    One minute this stupid, stupid ‘government’ pretends its a household, next it’s a team – so what comes next?

  3. John Kelly

    I think I understand the game of cricket better now.

  4. DanDark

    I left a cricket comment on another article, before I read this article
    I am so over Tones and ships, and barnacles, Captains picks and stinking bait and head winds
    He has never sailed a day in his life, but knows all about barnacles and ships pffft
    Go home Tony…..and take your “canoe” with you….

  5. Harquebus

    Spectator sport, religion and politics represent everything that is wrong with society. Ignorance and obsession.

  6. M-R

    I am obliged to admit that this is very clever !

  7. diannaart

    Rossleigh, with the satire bar now raised to such heights, you have – whatever the cricketing term is for doing exceptionally well; could be ‘doing a Bradman’ but I’m not entirely sure.

    Well done.

  8. gangey1959

    “Howls of derisive laughter Bruce”. to quote from the masters.
    I think I’ll just crack a tube, turn on the Muppet Show, and wait for the next installment from Canberra.
    I have been thinking that dear uncle Rupert must be slipping, or maybe they have put something into his milk and cookies.
    As far as I can figure, won’t Ms Credlin go with Tones when he gets the bum’s rush ? I can’t see any need for her to take the fall for his latest Australia Day balls-up, and let’s face it, his successor isn’t going to want her around. Maybe Mrs Abbott will make her up a bed in the spare room at Abbott Towers when they move back out of “The Lodge”
    I was wondering how many people he was sucking up to all at once when he came up with that list of 4. Without being too crass (sorry ladies) I have seen some pretty feral porn involving 4 at the same time, so the thought did cross my mind. Who’s up who, and who’s paying the rent and all.

  9. Garth

    @gangey1959…he’s never actually moved into the lodge or spent a single night there. It’s still under renovation since 2013. Tones has been hanging out with his ADF buddies playing hide n seek.

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