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Bob Hawke Is A Martian and Merry Christmas, Mr Turnbull!

The trouble with most Prime Ministers is that you have to be a psychopath in order to make it into the Lodge. Let’s not forget that even though psychopaths lack empathy, they can be superficially charming in order to achieve their goals. Characteristics of a psychopath include such things as a grandiose sense of self-worth and a refusal to accept the blame for anything.

Now I wouldn’t dream of suggesting that our beloved Malcolm was a psychopath. I mean, I’m sure that he can really feel proud of his achievement in passing the marriage equality legislation. I’m equally sure that the NBN is simultaneously working well because of him and a complete shambles because of Labor. Just because these things could easily be used to suggest that he fits the profile, I’m sure that there is another explanation.

As one of the descriptions of a psychopath I found on the internet tells us (and, if I’ve read it on the internet, it must be true):

In general, psychopaths lack any sort of moral compass. They will do whatever they need to advance, and they really don’t care who they hurt in the process.

Now does that sound like Malcolm?

Anyway, I’ve been listening to various commentators tell us that the opinion polls are bad for the Coalition, but that Turnbull has the preferred PM thing in the bag. He’s leading Bill Shorten by quite a margin. Which must be nice for Malcolm. And it must make all those Labor supporters who don’t like Shorten feel really justified in joining with the Liberals in telling us all Bill’s shortcomings.

And it would be even nicer for Malcolm if nobody actually thinks about this for a nanosecond because, as I’ve pointed out before, Opposition Leaders are rarely preferred PM/Premier. Joan Kirner was facing a landslide in Victoria in 1992, but she was still preferred Premier by quite a margin. Tony Abbott never made it to preferred PM in the polls even with the Murdoch press constantly telling us that Gillard was the responsible for everything from the knifing of Kevin to the assassination of Kennedy. If you remember the joke, Gillard walks on water across Lake Burley Griffin; “The Australia” run with the headline: “JULIA CAN’T SWIM!”

I could list a heap of others, but it might be easier to list the ones where the Opposition Leader regularly won the preferred leader poll: Bob Hawke.

Ok, he was only Opposition Leader for a month. As a ratio of time spent as Prime Minister to Opposition Leader, he wins hands down.

So when looking at future potential election results, winning the either/or of preferred PM will have little bearing on the result. It’s like asking someone would they rather have the collected speeches of John Howard or a bout of dysentery. Of course, the collected speeches of John Howard will win nine times out of ten… Unless one has to listen to them all. However, when an election is called people have their minds on things like the economy, health, education and to paraphrase Tony Abbott, which candidates have a bit of sex appeal.

But Malcolm is on a high because we actually have marriage equality in Australia. Unfortunately, in his latest example of FIGJAM (the polite version is Fans I’m Good, Just Ask Me!), he seems to be trying to argue that he should be given the credit for something that all his actions on the question only succeeded in delaying the inevitable. Let’s be real, if he’d simply got out of the way and let the Private Member’s Bill be debated, the whole thing could have been over months, even years ago. Of course, Malcolm is now telling us that the only important thing is that it happened, while arguing it’s all Labor’s fault that it didn’t happen sooner.

We were recently treated to the spectacle of Mr Turnbull trying to outdo Kevin Rudd by speaking Mandarin. Now I don’t speak Mandarin, so for all I know he could have been saying, “Hello, and welcome to the place where Disneyland will stay in your hearts forever. There are many horses in the planet of the moon and I am a gentle, purple man who likes putiting flowers in their saddlebags,” But hey, Malcolm was speaking Mandarin and aren’t we all impressed no matter what he said?

Speaking of impressive, while Christmas shopping I noticed a book by Ian Plimer called The Climate Change Delusion and The Great Electricity Ripoff. Plimer, you may remember, complained a few years ago that there was a rconspiracy on the part of the mainstream media on the topic of climate science because nobody would publish his book. Now, I’ve certainly found it difficult to get book publishers interested enough to offer me a contract for any of my ideas, such as “Bob Hawke is A Martian”, “Fluoride in the water has led to the hipster movement” and “Pauline Hanson is really Alex Downer in drag. (Have you ever seen them together?)” I think it’s only reasonable that they’d want to publish such things and it must be some conspiracy to silence the truth.

Just like me, Plimer wasn’t published because of a conspiracy. Now that he’s published several books, I guess it’s harder to argue the conspiracy line, but that was only one of a few arguments he has against wind turbines and solar panels. In looking up the title of the book, I did notice that Cory Bernardi launched his book. When it comes to integrity you can’t go past a man who stood on a Liberal Party ticket only to launch his own party within weeks of being re-elected. Plimer’s arguments can be best summarised thus:

  1. Carbon dioxide is just fine and not an environmental hazard.
  2. Renewable energy is terrible because it produces more carbon dioxide than coal-fired power stations.
  3. Coal-fired power stations are being closed which is wrong because they’ve always produced cheap energy in the past and nothing ever changes.
  4. We’re a long way off producing batteries to store renewables so we should just forget it because who cares about what might be possible in the future?
  5. Martin Luther objected to indulgences five hundred years ago, so we should object to the indulgences given to the renvewable energy sector. (No really, I’m not making this up. Check the back of the book or the Amazon blurb!)
  6. He knows how to draw graphs which makes it look like he’s basing his conclustions on actual evidence, instead of Spooner’s cartoons.

So, if you’re looking for a Christmas gift, I’d suggest picking up Ian Plimer’s book taking it to the counter and then as you’re about to buy it, say, “Oh, this isn’t put out by The Chaser. This guy is actually for real.” before putting it down and asking if they have any satire that’s actually as funny. If they do, buy it.

Anyway, as we head into final week of the campaign for Bennelong, we need to focus on more important issues than whether the whole planet is in danger. Will Sam’s resignation hurt or help? Will the fact that John Alexander is only there until the next election anyway play into Labor’s hands? Will the Liberals continue to let John Howard campaign without anyone pointing out that this is the electorate that threw him out, making him one of only two sitting Prime Ministers to lose their own seat? Will Malcolm try speaking Mandarin again, only to end up accidentally buying a used car and several dozen kilos of potatoes?

Watch this space. Sometime in the future, I’ll be revealing my evidence for Bob Hawke’s Martian citizenship… Unless, of course, there’s a conspiracy to stop me.


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  1. townsvilleblog

    At the time (1983) we thought Hawke was different, because he had been ACTU President we thought he would help us workers, alas, he turned out to be just another tory Prime Minister who crawled up the cavities of the wealthy and didn’t care a jot for the workforce.

  2. Harquebus

    I could argue about your opinions concerning the NBN and renewable energy which, are both wrong but, as this is otherwise quite a good article, I won’t.

    “We are as humans conducting a massive science experiment with this planet. It’s the only planet we have got… We know that the consequences of unchecked global warming would be catastrophic… We as a human species have a deep and abiding obligation to this planet and to the generations that will come after us.” — Malcolm Turnbull

  3. Jagger

    And it must make all those Labor supporters who don’t like Shorten feel really justified in joining with the Liberals in telling us all Bill’s shortcomings.
    How accurate and succinct, let’s hope some on this site take heed.

  4. Coaltrain Speedhump

    Turnbull is at the very least a sociopath; a charming, smarmy, supercilious manipulator with no moral compass at all. He consistently works directly against our future. Don’t give him the credit for marriage equality because the result was all down to our own anguish and sheer hard work, while he just put obstacle after obstacle in our way.
    I was actually fairly impressed with how genuine many of the Labor pollies were about marriage equality. Like most other people, I find Bill Shorten’s public image a bit off-putting, but I remind myself that several high profile leaders (Winston Churchill for one) have had very stiff, unappealing images while being extremely effective. Shorten is extremely clever and resilient. He does not give a lot away (necessary for Murdoch proofing) neither does he simulate concern and scientific literacy that he then turns around and blatantly denies.
    Give me Shorten over Turnbull any day, but vote for a Green or a decent independent 1st, then give Labor your preferences. Labor needs to know where our vote comes from and they need to know that we will fight them all the way if they do not protect the environment. There are no jobs on a dead planet.

  5. Miriam O

    Hear ! Hear !

  6. jimhaz

    Re Lord John’s link

    That article on diversion tactics describes Trump perfectly. Must be a lot of masochists in the US ie any woman who voted for him. Women trained to fit in with Christian patriarchy.

  7. Jon Chesterson



    ‘Then the wild horses proudly rode these open plains
    and mountain castles whistled through their veins’.

    The third choice! Labor alone are mostly a hypocritical bunch and far too party institutional and bipartisan (with LNP their polar opposites) on too many issues, but they are far less threat to the common good than Liberal and the Nationals. The only reasons the Liberals get in is because of that blessed coalition front which stacks the electoral system (not votes per se) in their favour. Liberals alone are not only a corrupt and thoroughly divided force but have always been a minority, and this is their electoral burden which they have strategically hidden and protected themselves from by 1) combining forces; 2) controlling the flow of information and media plus secrecy; 3) putting out fabulously outrageous and persistent lies, deception and propaganda to support what is essentially a mean cold and minority populist front, and a totally lost cause morally, consciously, subconsciously, constitutionally and democratically. But their corruption and of our electoral system is huge. They are a grossly spent destructive force in Australian politics, a leviathan and this period of pain and politics must end.

    So what is the third choice? A new coalition that needs to be brokered to bring this abuse to an end. A Labor – Green Alliance, where for the first time Labor are forced to genuinely share power and harness the moral sensibility and future of the Green Party, which lets face it, has the moral responsibility, the humanism, the integrity, the public recognition, good and will, and potential popularity to clean up Labor’s institutional and public neglect, make and keep them honest, get over the spent past deals and makeovers, look astern to the future.

    There is no potential to clean up LNP or Nationals for years to come, they are a thoroughly spent force, arrogant, ignorant, self righteous, ‘desperate’ ruling class in bed with feudal overlords and elitists who refuse to let go, remove their fangs from the life blood of Australian constitutional democracy. Labor must share power with the Greens, offer up at least 4-5 ministries including deputy PM. This is the only realistic constructive way forward for Australia, for ‘all Australians’ at this time. We need a robust, resilient and visionary partnership, shared and humble leadership to weather the storms no doubt Murdoch, corrupt media, big business and mishappy misspent Liberals will throw at it. We need a longer term future to reform and re-build genuine participatory, collaborative, inclusive democracy for all. A genuine informed public with friendly oxygen in our veins and clarity of reason, global authenticity and membership of UN. A connection and partnership that can and will work for everyone!

    Source: https://www.facebook.com/jon.chesterson/posts/10203635828854022

    ‘Then the wild horses proudly rode these open plains
    and mountain castles whistled through their veins’.

    Poetical Landscape by Barddylbach: I found 俳文 at the bottom of My Green Garden https://allpoetry.com/poem/13586302-I-found-at-the-bottom-of-My-Green-Garden-by-Barddylbach

  8. Lord John

    By Joe Jimhaz Trump does come up trumps in these Diversion tactics.

  9. jimhaz

    I so wish that would come true Jon. I’d really love for politics to become a more of a background issue as it could be with a clear ALP-Greens majority.

    I’d then only have to complain against over-zealous PCism and thought police fascists from the far left – but at least I would be relieved of the more significant and devious extreme untruthfulness and punishment of the far right for a time.

  10. Jagger

    Well Jon , I didn’t know the Greens were that desperate they’d want to form a coalition with a ” bunch of hypocrites” , but then again they are Greens.

  11. guest

    Turnbull treated anyone on Q&A who challenged him this week with the kind of contempt we expect of a born-to-rule silvertail. He must be running scared at the moment as the Coalition heads towards 30 weeks of poll losses in a row. And well deserved too.

  12. wam

    Never been a fan of the little kids fruit drinks but I certainly agree with these words:
    No rational argument will have a rational effect on a man who does not want to adopt a rational attitude.”

    Words which disqualify many pollies rather than the ridiculous decision by the recalcitrant turds in the high court. If only there were still appeals to the privy council they would ignore the laws set by a foreign power that interfere with the birth in Australia and concentrate on allegiance.

  13. Rossleigh

    Section 44 was written in a different era, so it may have unintended consequences for today.
    However, wam, surely you realise the irony of suggesting a desire for an appeal to the Privy Council to stop foreign powers interfering!

  14. Kaye Lee

    If we are talking about foreign influence in our politics, it wasn’t the Chinese who orchestrated Whitlam’s dismissal.

  15. Matters Not

    Re foreign powers interfering – does that concept include a particular owner of MSM outlets? And if not then why not?

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