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Barnaby Outdone By Selfish American Students Putting Their Own Lives Ahead Of People’s Right To Slaughter.

Ok, while many of you see Barnaby Joyce as an example of idiocy triumphing over competence… and that’s just in the battle of his own thoughts in the race to his mouth…

Oh, now I’ve lost my train of thought… maybe I, too, could be one of the leaders of the free world…

Anyway, Barnaby took leave from his leave to do an interview about how hard done-by he was. These were his main complaints:

  • He and his partner have been forced out of their rent-free house by some sort of witch hunt because everyone should have the choice of paying rent or not.
  • Vikki Campion didn’t earn $190,000 as reported. She earned a mere $135,000 and she had the pay slips to prove it. See, she was on a pittance.
  • People were refering to his unborn child in the “third person”.

Now, I may have missed something here but I thought that one usually referred to others in the third person. First person = “I”, Second person = “You”, and Third Person “He, She or They”.

But hey, if Barnaby wants me to refer to his unborn child as “me” or “you”, I’m happy to oblige. Although I can’t see him being too happy when I say something like I hope Barnaby’s changing my nappy and not leaving it all to Vikki. (In the interests of good taste, I refrained from talking about the birth here!)

Anyway, I thought that the Barnaby Joyce interview was going to be the silliest thing I read all day, but then I read about those silly students who want to put their personal lives ahead of a person’s right to own an arsenal of weapons. Don’t they understand that only politicians have a right to a personal life?

Here in Australia we don’t fully appreciate the deep connection some Americans have with their guns. For some, there’d be no point to life if you don’t own enough assault rifles and automatic weapons to take out an entire generation if they started to displease you. And these silly, selfish kids who never had to fight a losing war in some Asian or Middle-Eastern country, want the right to be safe in school.

Bloody hell. I mean, this safe schools concept is causing trouble everywhere.

Anyway, President Trump has the answer: Give teachers guns!

Now, before some of you get carried away. No, it’s not to ensure everyone does their homework or to prevent talking in class, however appealing that might be to Kevin Donnelly. It’s for when there’s a school massacre taking place. And let’s face it: In the USA there are enough school shootings for this to be a reasonable plan in terms of cost spent on guns for teachers versus cost spent on mental health.

Ok, there are some practical considerations. Like old Mrs Gray who – even though she still loves teaching and can inspire a love of Shakespeare sonnets with the best of them – is a bit slow on the draw and may have to be pensioned off. But still that should create openings for a few ex-marines who’ve had trouble finding work since because of their

PTSD after their tour of duty in Iraq. Ok, they may be a little jumpy and when Benny in the back row reaches for his phone, he may be shot by mistake… But hey, don’t we all want to keep phones out of schools?

And it does, of course, mean that any sane gunman planning a school massacre should always take out the teacher with the first shot. Followed, naturally, by anyone close enough to reach the teacher’s gun.

And yes, there is the question about automatic weapons. If there’s not going to be a ban on high-powered, rapid action weapons, doesn’t that mean that arming teachers with a piddly little pistol puts them at a disadvantage? Surely, nothing less than a rocket launcher will do for teachers.

Whatever, I think these things can be ironed out. It’s good to know that Trump has an excellent plan.

We can forget all about the United States and just worry about things in Australia. Yep, that’s where I expect that Barnaby is feeling all warm because he’ll have had a week’s leave where he’s had time to be feeling the kicks from…

Knowing how upset he was about us referring to his unborn child in the third person, I’m unsure how to complete that sentence. Should I say “the kicks from you” or “the kicks from me”?






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  1. diannaart

    Your timing is impeccable – thank you for your absolutely target smashing writing.

    Satire is the best weapon.

    In Australia Rossleigh rocks, while Murdoch rots your brain.

    In the USA, they are not a satire-free zone either:

  2. Judy

    This is the best piece of satire I have read in a very long time! It should be published on the front page of every newspaper in Australia and perhaps even the USA however, I think the Yanks would try to shoot holes through it!!!

  3. LeeD

    Great stuff but one point I have to make is that the American public CANNOT own an Assualt rifle or an Automatic weapon. Please dont ruin your work by not doing the correct research by just recycling the MSN diatribe about guns in the U.S.

  4. Aortic

    Yes Judy with an automatic weapon. Great stuff Rossleigh as usual.

  5. Christopher

    Yes, brilliant. Trumpy wasn’t serious though was he? Just wanted those wailing kids out of his office.

    Much better plan is to give each child a glock, then they can defend themselves and you can then say: well the kids were armed, so not our fault.

  6. Freethinker

    When we talk about USA, guns and the last tragic event, looking at the “solutions” put forward by some USA politicians make me wonder if they also are comedians like Trevor Noah
    Watch it and see what I mean!!

  7. Glenn Barry

    Just remember to take account of American exceptionalism – One Nation under God – with that delusion as a foundation you can get the population to believe practically anything

  8. jimhaz

    [People were refering to his unborn child in the “third person”.]

    This may be legitimate. It could be hard for the child growing up, if his dad gets widely viewed as a failure, particularly in a country town, though I don’t really expect that to occur.

    No justification for leniency though. He is too much of a negative influence.

  9. jimhaz

    It would also be another tick in his Path To An Authoritarian State Checklist.

    If, or where implemented, I wonder how many teachers will go off the rails from sheer frustration, or for the things that are driving people to vote for Trump, such as the far left-far right tribal cold war for example.

    Students and teachers may also be shot for perceived threats from volatile actions stemming from such things as being drugged up, drunk, distressed or mentally unwell (but not actually dangerous).

  10. Roswell

    You’ve outdone yourself with this one, Rossleigh. How are you going to top it?

  11. Matters Not

    By the way, all these kids who are protesting are only on the streets because of George Soros. Also – one of the student protestors is the son of a retired FBI agent. The FBI has a lot to answer for – according to Trump junior.

  12. Roswell

    Junior’s not too bright. Must be in his genes.

  13. robyn

    really get a grip the world could be on fire & you Joyce will still whine about how wrong it is , Well you shall reap what you shall sow. Aint life a bitch.

  14. pierre wilkinson

    so, to stop school shootings they plan to arm school teachers, with glocks against automatic weaponry…. but cannot afford copy paper, pens etc…
    hard to see the downside

  15. Frank Smith

    Excellent Rossleigh. Given Mal’s current expertise in these matters, when our fearless “leader” meets The Pussy-Grabber-In-Chief at the White House tonight, what advice do you think he should offer him on how to handle the Stormy Daniels and Karen McDougal affairs? Surely not something as unAmerican as a “Bonking Ban” in the White House. Perhaps all porn stars and Playboy models should carry “concealed weapons” – but where to conceal them?

  16. Kerry F

    Brilliant !!! some humour to put things in perspective 🙂

  17. Matters Not

    Told you that Soros would get the blame. Logic tells you that 17 year olds can’t organise rallies – enter Soros stage left.

    Apparently finances Blogs down under as well.

  18. jimhaz

    I visit Drudge everyday. I like to keep informed of what propaganda and fake/out of context and biased news conservatives are receiving, although it increases my levels of frustration.

    So what do we have today.

    Network denies…
    Long history of allowing plants…
    LaPierre warns of ‘socialist state’…
    Church To Hold Blessing For AR-15s…
    Parishioners Invited To Bring Rifles With Them To Service…
    Texas to build police substation at school…

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