‘McLachlan said he was frustrated that despite being “100 per cent acquitted” and “an innocent man”, he was not believed.
He added that he hadn’t worked for three years because he had been cruelly targeted.
“The crucifixion was so brutal,” he said.
“In this post-Weinstein hashtag #MeToo world, I can’t win,” he said in the interview.’
Interviewer: Tonight, we have Mr Judas Iscariot who is speaking out in the hope that it will help others in a similar situation. Good evening, Mr Iscariot.
Judas: Judas, please. Mr Iscariot is so formal.
Interviewer: Why have you waited so long before speaking out?
Judas: Well, as you know, I was kicked out of the Disciples and after that, I pretty much hit rock bottom. I had no friends and no place to stay. I was in a really dark place for a while but then I thought that I owed it to people to let them know the truth.
Interviewer: Which is?
Judas: Basically it was all Jesus’ fault. I mean, he knew what I was going to do and he pretty much gave me his blessing. He said that I should do what I had to quickly… And I did. These days there’s a lot of confusion about consent, but I think it’s pretty clear that he wasn’t objecting.
Interviewer: The other disciples are saying that he wasn’t actually consenting, that he was just accepting that you were about to betray him.
Judas: Well, they would say that. Let’s look at the facts. I haven’t been charged with anything and the only people suggesting that I’m guilty of something are those Christians and we all know what a group of trouble-makers they are. If I’ve committed a crime then why was Jesus the one being crucified? Let’s remember that his parents fled to Egypt as refugees when he was just a baby just because Herod was killing all the firstborn children. When you grow up in a family like that…
Interviewer: Some are suggesting that it’s only because there’s so much corruption in the existing power structure that…
Judas: Corruption? I’ve seen no evidence of that.
Interviewer: Weren’t you paid thirty pieces of silver?
Judas: Sorry, my spotter’s fee is commercial in confidence.
Interviewer: Spotter’s fee?
Judas: Yes, it was my job to take the Romans to where Jesus was and point him out by kissing him.
Interviewer: You kissed him. Did he kiss you back?
Judas: No, but he certainly didn’t resist. In fact, when some of his disciples started fighting with the soldiers he said something about peace.
Interviewer: So you deny any wrongdoing?
Judas: Completely. Those disciples were always jealous about the fact that I was pretty much the only one Jesus trusted with the money. He wasn’t going to let Matthew get hold of it, because he was a tax collector before joining the group. As for those fishermen, well, I won’t say that they tend to exaggerate but I very much doubt that they caught as much as they said. No, I can tell you I was the money man so if I happen to have a few extra pieces of silver here or there, it’s no proof that I’ve done anything except manage money well. I mean, it’s not like your paying me for this interview…
Interviewer: What are your plans from here?
Judas: Well, I’d always intended to write my own gospel, but nobody’s interested in that anymore, so I was pretty depressed about that for a while. If it hadn’t been for the support of the Pharisees, the Sadducees, and my agent, I never would have got this interview. From here on, I’ll be trying to rebuild things and, even though the gospel is out, I plan to see if anyone would be interested in doing a book deal. I’m also happy to do an interview with anyone who’s prepared to give me the chance to tell my side of the story without a lot of difficult questions or interruptions.
Interviewer: It must be hard to turn your whole career around at your age.
Judas: Yes, well, I don’t want to complain but you know… It’s… it’s… well, when I think of my mum…
Interviewer: Has it been hard on your mother?
Judas: I don’t know, I haven’t seen her, but it would be wouldn’t it? Those people should have thought of her before they started this vicious #Judaswouldsellhismumforsilver!
Interviewer: So you don’t have any regrets?
Judas: Regrets? I’ve had a few… but then again too few to mention… (singing) I did what I had to do and saw it through without exemption… (voice) I’ve also available for weddings or parties.
Interviewer: Thanks, you’ve been very brave. I wish you all the best.
Judas: If only these people would think before they go around telling people that I betrayed Jesus without actually checking to see if I actually did.
Interviewer: So you want to make it clear that you didn’t betray him?
Judas: No, I just want to make it clear that when it came to the crucifixion, he was up for it… Get it. He was up for it!
Interviewer: I think we may have to edit that joke out?
Judas: Come on, a little humour to show that I can still be entertaining. Like I said, weddings, anything.
Interviewer: Yeah but I think it’s too soon.
Judas: Well, can I say that I wasn’t the one who made Jesus a little cross?
Interviewer: No, I don’t think so.
Judas: Gee, 33AD and we still have political correctness stifling everything!
Interviewer: Good night and thank you.
Judas: Good night.
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