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‘McLachlan said he was frustrated that despite being “100 per cent acquitted” and “an innocent man”, he was not believed.

He added that he hadn’t worked for three years because he had been cruelly targeted.

“The crucifixion was so brutal,” he said.

“In this post-Weinstein hashtag #MeToo world, I can’t win,” he said in the interview.’

news.com.au

Interviewer: Tonight, we have Mr Judas Iscariot who is speaking out in the hope that it will help others in a similar situation. Good evening, Mr Iscariot.

Judas: Judas, please. Mr Iscariot is so formal.

Interviewer: Why have you waited so long before speaking out?

Judas: Well, as you know, I was kicked out of the Disciples and after that, I pretty much hit rock bottom. I had no friends and no place to stay. I was in a really dark place for a while but then I thought that I owed it to people to let them know the truth.

Interviewer: Which is?

Judas: Basically it was all Jesus’ fault. I mean, he knew what I was going to do and he pretty much gave me his blessing. He said that I should do what I had to quickly… And I did. These days there’s a lot of confusion about consent, but I think it’s pretty clear that he wasn’t objecting.

Interviewer: The other disciples are saying that he wasn’t actually consenting, that he was just accepting that you were about to betray him.

Judas: Well, they would say that. Let’s look at the facts. I haven’t been charged with anything and the only people suggesting that I’m guilty of something are those Christians and we all know what a group of trouble-makers they are. If I’ve committed a crime then why was Jesus the one being crucified? Let’s remember that his parents fled to Egypt as refugees when he was just a baby just because Herod was killing all the firstborn children. When you grow up in a family like that…

Interviewer: Some are suggesting that it’s only because there’s so much corruption in the existing power structure that…

Judas: Corruption? I’ve seen no evidence of that.

Interviewer: Weren’t you paid thirty pieces of silver?

Judas: Sorry, my spotter’s fee is commercial in confidence.

Interviewer: Spotter’s fee?

Judas: Yes, it was my job to take the Romans to where Jesus was and point him out by kissing him.

Interviewer: You kissed him. Did he kiss you back?

Judas: No, but he certainly didn’t resist. In fact, when some of his disciples started fighting with the soldiers he said something about peace.

Interviewer: So you deny any wrongdoing?

Judas: Completely. Those disciples were always jealous about the fact that I was pretty much the only one Jesus trusted with the money. He wasn’t going to let Matthew get hold of it, because he was a tax collector before joining the group. As for those fishermen, well, I won’t say that they tend to exaggerate but I very much doubt that they caught as much as they said. No, I can tell you I was the money man so if I happen to have a few extra pieces of silver here or there, it’s no proof that I’ve done anything except manage money well. I mean, it’s not like your paying me for this interview…

Interviewer: What are your plans from here?

Judas: Well, I’d always intended to write my own gospel, but nobody’s interested in that anymore, so I was pretty depressed about that for a while. If it hadn’t been for the support of the Pharisees, the Sadducees, and my agent, I never would have got this interview. From here on, I’ll be trying to rebuild things and, even though the gospel is out, I plan to see if anyone would be interested in doing a book deal. I’m also happy to do an interview with anyone who’s prepared to give me the chance to tell my side of the story without a lot of difficult questions or interruptions.

Interviewer: It must be hard to turn your whole career around at your age.

Judas: Yes, well, I don’t want to complain but you know… It’s… it’s… well, when I think of my mum…

Interviewer: Has it been hard on your mother?

Judas: I don’t know, I haven’t seen her, but it would be wouldn’t it? Those people should have thought of her before they started this vicious #Judaswouldsellhismumforsilver!

Interviewer: So you don’t have any regrets?

Judas: Regrets? I’ve had a few… but then again too few to mention… (singing) I did what I had to do and saw it through without exemption… (voice) I’ve also available for weddings or parties.

Interviewer: Thanks, you’ve been very brave. I wish you all the best.

Judas: If only these people would think before they go around telling people that I betrayed Jesus without actually checking to see if I actually did.

Interviewer: So you want to make it clear that you didn’t betray him?

Judas: No, I just want to make it clear that when it came to the crucifixion, he was up for it… Get it. He was up for it!

Interviewer: I think we may have to edit that joke out?

Judas: Come on, a little humour to show that I can still be entertaining. Like I said, weddings, anything.

Interviewer: Yeah but I think it’s too soon.

Judas: Well, can I say that I wasn’t the one who made Jesus a little cross?

Interviewer: No, I don’t think so.

Judas: Gee, 33AD and we still have political correctness stifling everything!

Interviewer: Good night and thank you.

Judas: Good night.

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14 comments

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  1. Phil Pryor

    Channel seven is a shitshow of repeats and gossip, run by Fritz Stokes, who needs the money, and uses staring studio viewing stiffs to suck it up, and so, a shitskull like this self polisher is ideal fodder for foolishness and indecency of attitude. That’s entertainment, like two dogs up each other, or a good car crash…ideal for T V close ups, in between the essential ads for Gerry Thief’s “bargains”, interest free for ever…the promos, some of which I had to see, were sickening enough. One can vomit all day at the relentless daily appearances of images of Scott Poopot’s face, depicted in every bloody situation. Endless conning, propaganda, lies, debt and repeats…

  2. Lurline

    #Ibelievethem100%

  3. leefe

    “100% acquitted”

    You got off on a technicality. The judge made it plain that she had no doubt that you did exactly what the victims claimed. The only reason you aren’t locked up right now is because the wording of laws – which has been changed – at the time the behaviour occurred.

    That is not “innocent”, that is not “100% acquitted”, it’s little more than luck. Grow up and admit you’re a shit person, McLachlan.

  4. Josephus

    What is the point of this satire?
    Judas Iscariot was integral to the Gospel narrative cursing the Jews for the death of God. Indeed Jews do not recognise the special status of a miracle working rabbi whose dislike of Temple priests’ hierarchical privileges was later distorted into a strange, contradictory tale merging reformism with the pagan cult of the risen god-man Mithras popular among Roman soldiers, whose conversion to the new cult was encouraged.
    The Gospel narrative is manifestly confused, even contradictory. For if the death of the man God was essential to ensure everlasting salvation, that is, the vain aspiration to the everlasting, blissful consciousness of the pious dead, (despite the incontrovertible evidence that the brain dies with the body), then Judas’ betrayal was preordained by God, part of the eternal Plan.
    The contradictory tale of Judas’ culpable kiss prefigured centuries of anti semitism.

  5. Cool Pete

    I have always felt that, fictional criminal record aside, Craig McLachlan would be a lot like Henry Mitchell/Ramsay in real life. Henry Mitchell/Ramsay believed himself to be God’s gift to women and would say he was the “Coolest Dude in Erinsborough”. Henry Mitchell/Ramsay was also a ladies man. Yes, Craig McLachlan played Stewart Diver in Heroes’ Mountain and Michael Chamberlain with Miranda Otto as Lindy, but he was always the cocky person.

  6. New England Cocky

    @Josephus: Uhm …. I think the Egyptian Pharaoh Aknathan I (sp?) thoughts about monotheism and the burial rituals of the Egyptians pre-date any Roman Man God myth

    The more likely cause of the Roman Catholic persecution of the Jews lies with Pope Innocent II and his imperialist aspirations for control of the Eastern Mediterranean using Jerusalem as the excuse for the Seven Crusades from about 1100AD. So when Hitler & the democratically elected German government of 1933-1945 conducted their purges with little objection from other European powers after about 1,000 of Jewish persecution, the stage was set for the present payback government in Palestine, thanks to the Balfour Agreement between Rotheschilds Bankers and Balfour for funding the 1916 English WWI effort.

  7. Phil Pryor

    Cocky, it was Urban II, in 1095, preaching peace amongst warring Christians in Europe, and directing energies to warring with Muslims to regain the Holy Sepulchre and Jerusalem. It led to ignorant aggression, anti-semitism, anti-Muslim attitudes, false and misleading “crusades” against anyone or for greed, uncivilised criminality over time.

  8. Josephus

    True Akhenaton founded the sun god cult
    But the Rothschild family did not scheme up the Zionist dream as the Jews were divided between these and the bundists and remain splintered even today in many ways just are other faiths
    Further the British promised statehood to both contesting peoples because for them what mattered was vanquishing the Ottoman Empire as Lawrence finally realised
    What we now have is a double legitimacy between two Semitic peoples and until there are two states with their own cultures based on many common beliefs it will never end….

  9. Brozza

    Phil Pryor – If channel seven is a true fecal festival, how would you describe the even more pointless network ten?

  10. A Commentator

    I think the media has become loose with the truth, particularly regarding salacious gossip about prominent people. It’s probably a reaction to the uncontrolled rumour mill that characterises Facebook and social media
    I was pleased to see Rebel Wilson and Geoffrey Rush successfully sue the MSM.
    There should be more of it

  11. Phil Pryor

    Broz, the commercial channels, seemingly doomed to die are just selfish shitshows. They buy foreign garbage for peanuts to show to peanuts, as it is cheap and nasty. The real drive is endless commercial lying advertising, between endless mindless repeats, which deadens already terminal brains. Money is siphoned off to self centred, deficient executives, who live in the Bahamas and drink endless piss, a la Channel ten’s Gordon. Channel ten is so repulsive a concept, I have not seen anything there for years.

  12. DrakeN

    A Commenter: “I think the media has become loose with the truth…”
    Not “become” but “remains”.
    The commercial media, that which is mostly owned by inherited wealth, has always been a tad “liberal” with the truth.
    The adage: “Never let truth get in the way of a good story” has firm foundations.

  13. Henry Rodrigues

    While all this crap is being disseminated to keep us all looking the right way, our brave and loyal cricketers have arrived back home to their loving families, safe and sound and not a Covid 19 virus in sight. Doesn’t it just give you that warm fuzzy feeling, to know that we really take care of our own ?

    Praise be to the Lord, and there’s not a brown skin to be seen within a cooee ! Otherwise it would have been a whole different story.

    Listen up all you brown skins, watch and learn and remember when you go to vote.

  14. Canguro

    Yes indeed Henry Rodriguez, skip out of India and fly back via the Maldives, and it’s all good as long as you have possession of a baggy green (as opposed to a green baggy, though they’d probably get a pass on that count as well) and a crotch protector; but woe betide you if you’re a darker shade of pale and try that on; SloMo & Spudman’s (the dream team) Border Force will haul you off for a bit of lag time, just so you know your place in the pecking order. Five years, m’lord, and no ifs and buts.

    Can’t have these third-worlders getting too uppity now, can we?

    And we trumpet our multiculturalism to the world!

    Gag, retch… someone get me a bucket …I about to puke from the stench and obscenity emanating from this villainous mob of suit-wearing cretins and carpetbaggers treading the halls of harassment central while helping themselves to the taxpayers’ dollars.

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