No, I didn’t actually watch the Liberal launch. I went and sipped my latte in beautiful downtown Balwyn…Just to be clear, I don’t live in Balwyn, but I live close enough to squeeze into Josh Frydenberg’s electorate. Last time I was in Chisholm and I was looking forward to getting rid of a Liberal candidate, but to my surprise, I suddenly found myself in Kooyong.
Now as a member of the Kooyong electorate, I’ve been subjected to so many letters from Joshie that I was starting to wonder if I could consider it stalking. Every day for the past week, I found at least one letter for either my wife and I or my son who is now of voting age. These letters were very informative. They told me such things as how my private health insurance was at risk, how rents would go up (did nobody consider that some of the good people of Kooyong may be rubbing their hands and thinking how good that would be thanks to the 83 properties they own?), how the economy might stall under Labor when thanks to his sound economic management growth was 2.75% and not 2,5% that the Reserve Bank has adjusted it to, how the Liberals had a plan for reducing emissions but not by so much that it would hurt anything including businesses because we all know that a strong economy which burns coal 24/7 is the best way to reduce emissions, and…
Well, dear reader, I must confess that I stopped reading Josh’s epistles because there’s only so much humour one can take in a month. I mean, “The Bill you can’t afford”! Who thought of that one. ‘Tis a real knee-slapper. I was waiting for Labor to reply with “Sconofriends Morrison”, but they missed their chance.
Anyway, my wife finished her coffee and I wished her a happy mother’s day, and told her that she’d get her presents when our son got home because he got up before six to work. A son working on Mother’s Day…Isn’t that outrageous? Still, I guess it’s better than Scott Morrison who got the women in his life to work at his launch by introducing him…
We went home and I decided to watch bits of the Liberal launch which I’d replayed just in case there was something interesting which I wanted to check later. Not having a mother of my own to call, I thought I might as well watch the launch…My mother died four years ago, she would have turned 100 earlier in the week had she still been alive. In the spirit of all those who have tried to pay tribute to their mothers for who they became, I would like to say that while my mother may have had her faults she cannot be held responsible for me. She did her best to make me the sort of human who would make her proud, but I was always going to be a different beast…I think in some ways, that itself may have made her proud, but that’s a whole other story…
Anyway, I played the launch back and watched with the sort of fascination that one has when one can’t quite believe that the driver has not only failed to notice the red light but has decided to pretend that he was travelling in the direction of the green.
I could spend ten thousand words on Morrison and his “promise of Australia”, but being rather close to Josh owing to his frequent letters, I’d just like to offer the following three bits of advice:
- Your joke about watching another Carlton loss may have gone down well with the Liberal Carlton supporters, but it does make you sound like you’re used to losing. That wouldn’t be so bad were it not for your joke about being “fifteen years into your five-year plan” doesn’t inspire confidence that you’re “predicted” Budget Surplus is going to be any better than Carlton’s. Not only that, but given your party just edited the words “death tax” from every time Bill Shorten denied it and suggested that it was he that was talking about a death tax should be very careful about saying something that could be selectively edited…Particularly when you’ve been in power for five years.
- You followed up by joking about your wife and mother being promised a quiet event with just a few people which was funny coz it was true. There was hardly anyone at the Liberal/National launch. However, we all got what you were trying to make funny. The fact that you lied and they had their day spoilt by having to attend a campaign launch. Yep, broken promises, that’s a standard LNP joke. But probably not good to do it in an election launch as it sort of spoils the punch line if you’re re-elected.
- Finally, that joke about the Liberal door-knocker who walks through the freshly laid cement and quickly says to the person who opens the door, “How do you do? I’m the Labor candidate!” may go down a treat at Liberal events but the idea that we blame Labor even if we have to lie about it tends to wreck Scottie’s whole election strategy. Still, I do have to say, it was the most truthful thing I’ve heard from the Liberals in ages. If I hadn’t voted already, I’d have to think you were the man…Whoops, is that a bit sexist? Ah, if the Liberals are re-elected, who cares? I mean, obviously, who cares?
That’s it. At the next election, I may even offer to hand out your how-to-vote cards. It’ll be interesting to see how their vetting has improved and whether they give me a blue shirt and handful of cards so I can go up to people and say, “Come on, take it. you know anyone who took climate change seriously hasn’t got a hope in this electorate!”…
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