ABC: Good morning PM can we start by asking if you will take your corporate tax cuts to the next election so that the Australian people can give you a mandate for what you now call your signature policy ?
PM: No way Jose. We are committed to getting these tax cuts through before the election, I’ve promised the chaps who fund the Liberal Party that we will do this.
ABC: It’s not Jose but anyhow. If you take this signature policy to an election and win, you will have the backing of the Australian people.
PM: You must be a Labor Party stooge, if we took this dog of a policy to an election. we would be thrown out. No, we believe that if we can catch Pauline after a few Chardonnays she’ll come around and we can do this democratically.
ABC: You were incensed when Labor claimed that you were privatising Medicare. How do you respond to claims that your governments’ policies are degrading Medicare services ?
PM: Have you asked Greg Hunt my excellent Health Minister ?
ABC: Well, yes we have : he told us to fuck-off !
PM: Well there you go : my government’s approach to Medicare is to point out to the public that we are subsidising private health insurance companies to the tune of $6.8 Billion a year. So, it’s quite obvious where people should go isn’t it ?
Our approach to Medicare is consistent with our approach to, for instance, the ABC. We starve these socialist collectives of funding and people then go to where they can get better service. Have you got a Foxtel subscription ? I suggest you get one if you want to watch any cricket this summer.
ABC: The Liberal Party conference unanimously voted in favour of privatising the ABC other than in regional areas. Minister Fifield has said that this is not coalition policy, will it become policy ?
PM: You have to understand how policy works in the Liberal Party : we have unanimous support to privatise the ABC from the rank and file other than in regional areas – a very popular policy but it would only proceed with a mandate from the Australian people and if we get back into office at the next election that will be a mandate : that’s how democracy works.
ABC: But how can you privatise one broadcasting platform in the cities and retain free to air services in the bush, isn’t that discriminatory ?
PM: We have already had exploratory talks with Foxtel and we have been given an assurance from a great Australian in New York that we can achieve this highly desirable objective with subsidies, just like we do with health insurance. Eventually everybody will have a Foxtel subscription and then, like Medicare, you won’t need a government funded system : it’s win win !
ABC: You seem committed to holding people in indefinite detention on Manus Island and Nauru purely for political mileage. When will you resettle these people who have now been detained without trial for over five years in many cases ?
PM: Have you asked the the excellent minister for everything, Peter Dutton ?
ABC: No, he won’t speak to the ABC, he has an exclusive contract with SKY.
PM: You see, that’s why you need a Foxtel subscription. But no, you are wrong. these people live on Nauru and Manus, that is their home. Why would we want to uproot them now, after all five years is when you put down roots. How would it be if busybodies from the ABC came around to Lucy and I at Point Piper or at the Lodge and asked us to move to, say, the Cayman Islands : we probably wouldn’t like it would we ?
ABC: Isn’t there a difference to you living in a Point Piper mansion or the Lodge in Canberra and these people living in a tent on Nauru ?
PM: Typical ABC nit-picking as usual.
ABC: The Australian Electoral Commission gave you a range of dates for the upcoming Super-Saturday by-elections together with Pros and cons for each date : you chose 28 July which was the scheduled date of the ALP national conference……
PM: Oh, was it, I didn’t realize that, what a pity, never mind (goes into fit of giggles).
ABC: Michaelia Cash seems to go from one drama to another and tries to lie her way out of every situation or hide behind a whiteboard. When will you call her to account ?
PM: The matter you are talking about is currently under investigation by the Australian Federal Police and has been for seven months and I couldn’t possibly comment on matters that are the subject of this investigation.
ABC: Do you think that we will ever get to the bottom of these raids on the AWU offices and the involvement of Minister Cash and her department in alerting the media in advance ?
PM: I sincerely hope not !
ABC: John Howard has declared his support for the Turnbull government and expects that you will get re-elected. Coming from a man who lost his seat, lost the prime ministership and lost government, do you take heart from this endorsement or do you consider it a kiss of death ?
PM: What was it that Greg Hunt told you to do ? I share his sentiments !