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Antique Road Show And The Liberal Party

“Hello, welcome to Antique Road Show. And who have we here?”
“I’m Eric.”
“And what have you brought with you today?”
“Thanks, I’ve got this ex-Prime Minister and I was just wondering if it was worth something.”
“I see. And where did you get it from?”
“We just noticed it on a bench one day and when it was still there a few days later, we figured that we should pick it up as nobody seemed to want it and we thought that it might be valuable”
“Ok, well, what you have here is a Tony Abbott.”
“Oh, I thought that it might be. That’s what I said to my wife, but she said who’d leave a perfectly good Tony Abbott just lying on a bench.”
“Right. Well, as I’m sure you know, there was a time when ex-Prime Ministers were worth quite a lot.”
“Yes, I thought that they were.”
“Unfortunately though, that was last century. They were a lot rarer then, but lately they’ve just been mass produced and owing to the large numbers, nobody wants to pay much for them.”
“Oh, so there’s not much of a market for them.”
“No, and this one was never particularly popular.”
“Ah, so I should have left on the back bench where I found it!”
“No, no, not at all. Removing it from that back bench was probably a public service… And even though you wouldn’t be able to get much of a price with it, you may still be able to find uses for it.”
“Such as?”
“Well, if you can bring it out at dinner parties when you feel that it’s time for your guests to leave… Um, you can leave it in the garden to scare the birds away… And it was probably doing a pretty good job of holding down that back bench until you came along.”
“Really?”
“Well, neither it nor the bench had gone anywhere, had they?”
“I brought a couple of other pieces for you to have a look at.”
“Let’s bring them out then.”
“I had a beautiful Christopher Pyne but I just couldn’t find it…”
“No, Christopher Pynes have become very rare.”
“But I did find a couple of election promises in the shed.”
“Oh, this is a lovely piece. It’s a Gonski and it would be worth a great deal, but unfortunately, it’s broken.”
“Really?”
“Yes, just here… the back end. If you can find a non-broken election promise, they’re worth a lot. Even if they’re not a Gonski, an election promise that’s completely intact is worth millions.”
“So this NBN one dated 2016 is…”
“Completely worthless now, I’m afraid.”
“I see.”
“But look, you can have loads of fun with your Tony Abbott and you might even get some people who’d actually be prepared to trade it for a Malcolm Turnbull.”
“A Turnbull? Nah, I had one once and I tried to chuck it out, but the hard rubbish guys wouldn’t take it.”
“So you’ve still got it?”
“No. I took it apart bit by bit and snuck it in with the recycling. Nobody seems to notice.”
“Mm, well, I’m sorry that you didn’t have anything more valuable today.”
“Yes, well, it’s no big deal. I had a bit of a financial emergency a couple of years ago, but now my debt has doubled, I don’t need to worry about it any more.”
“Why not?”
“I’m not sure but apparently it’s not a problem any more.”
“Good afternoon then.”
“I’ll see if I can find that Christopher Pyne.”
“Good luck!”

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14 comments

  1. Garth

    Brilliant, Rossleigh!!
    Just flippin brilliant. I too have been searching for a Christopher Pyne since at one point they seemed to be everywhere. I then stopped, slapped myself across the face and thought, ‘what are you doing man??!!’. Although it’s a mystery where he’s gone, I’m certain that at the first sound of that whiney, nasally, ARROGANT voice, I’d wish it back into oblivion!

  2. helvityni

    Wot, wot, I haven’t seen George Brandis for ages, and thought now it’s the time to sell him, the folks will be willing to pay big money for my copy of him, but sadly no takers. Only some old-fashioned book-lovers say they are willing to take him off my hands, if I’m willing to throw his mahogany book cases in the deal….

    Bloody hell ,I only bought George for those book cases..

  3. Jennifer Meyer-Smith

    As a sometimes antiques and collectables dealer, Rossleigh,

    I have to agree with Garth that this description of the LNP modus operandi of government is “brilliant”.

    They are just a bunch of nutcases with brief periods of lucidity with which they plan their next devious assaults on the Australian People.

  4. Kaye Lee

    Now come on kids. Christopher has been very productive. Why it was only 2 weeks ago that he unveiled a crucial piece of infrastructure – an office.

    December 20: The DCNS Australian headquarters, dedicated to the $50 billion Future Submarine Program, has been officially unveiled in Adelaide today, marking a significant milestone.

    The Prime Minister the Hon. Malcolm Turnbull MP, and Minister for Defence Industry, the Hon Christopher Pyne MP, congratulated Chief Executive Officer DCNS, Mr Herve Guillou, and Chief Executive Officer DCNS Australia, Mr Sean Costello, at the Future Submarine facility.

    “I welcome the infrastructure investment from DCNS as Australia’s international partner for this historic Future Submarine Program,” Prime Minister Turnbull said.

    “This space will be more than just an office; it will be an innovative hub delivering cutting edge administration and support services focussed on delivering regionally superior submarines and creating and sustaining jobs across Australia for decades to come.”

    https://www.pyneonline.com.au/media-centre/media-releases/unveiling-dcns-hq-in-adelaide

    Must be a big office

  5. MichaelW

    Brilliant. What a great chuckle, brightened up my evening.

  6. wam

    sorry rossleigh It would be churlish to ask if you checked the bottom?
    I have one and the hall marks are clearly a five pointed star with the signature lozenge surrounding the imprint of a heavy episcopal ring.

  7. Peter F

    “you can leave it in the garden to scare the birds away” … Ross, I tried this – put a pic of an Abbott up against a window to stop the birds from flying into it – They just went mad!!!!!!! ( I thought it looked scary.)

    Best ever Ross, Congratulations

  8. Ella Miller

    What an enjoyable piece, great creativity. Loved it.
    A good way to get a message across and still leave people feeling good.

  9. Ella Miller

    Peter F
    you could always turn into a dart board !

  10. helvityni

    Peter F, my Russian sister-in-law collected old blue glass bottles and arranged then nicely on her window shells. According to her this kept birds from flying into her windows, dirtying (!) them…and sometimes even dropping dead….??

    Ella, a dartboard, now YOU are being the creative one.

  11. Jack Straw

    And good Old Peter Dutton gave up Antiques years ago.His snout has been firmly in the trough of buying up Residential Housing.

    Especially since “John War Crimes Howard” halved Capital gains Tax whilst increasing overseas migration.Property prices has gone up again but Pete was lucky to buy another one even though “Shit in Mouth Disease Turnball” said property would drop if we got rid of Negative gearing on residential Properties .So it’s really worked out well for Pete.

    Though he really is concerned about all these Dole Bludgers scamming the country.Pete plans to have a portfolio of around 12 properties before he leave’s Parliment.The Banks love Pete. Ya’ see he’s got a steady job. So why don’t these dole bludgers and homeless get out and get a life a get job just like Pete.

  12. corvus boreus

    The discarded item, a lycra-covered Abbott dummy, has little intrinsic or aesthetic value and lacks any real practical function, but is a handy mannequin to hang your hard-hat and hi-vis vest on when they are not in actual use.

  13. Gangey1959

    I’ve got an Original Hardcover Edition ETS from 2010. Signed by KRudd and all. I know when I got it it was worth billions, but now apparently it’s actually costing me money, so if there is anyone interested I could use a few extra shekels. I had a few enquiries from some wanker called fryedyourburgers or something just before christmas, but that turned out to be just a malicious rumour from some other dickhead down at the local ipa when I was getting the milk and paper from lord voldemurdoch.
    Never mind. I’ll just put it away with my Gillard. She’s a bit knocked around now, but she might be worth something again one day.
    Happy New year everyone.

  14. Steve Laing - makeourvoiceheard.com

    ROFPMSL, as was probably witty to say about 10 years ago. But total 24 carat gold (pre-fiat currency of course).

    And Kaye – that presser from Pyne-O-Clean was almost as funny. “Cutting edge administration” – wow! Can’t get more agile and innovative than that, can you! The Chinese must be totally quaking in their getas.

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