“Hello, is that the Prime Minister’s office?”
“Yes, can I help you?”
“Yes, I was hoping that I’d get a go because I had a go.”
“I was ringing Scott so he’d give me a go. I took his advice and had a go. We had been saving to buy an electric car because my wife really wanted one. But then I heard the PM talk about Winx’s owners so I went out and spent the money on a share in a racehorse instead well, to cut to the chase, I now have no wife, no home and no money because the horse broke down and…”
“That’s unfortunate but what do expect Mr Morrison to do about it?”
“Well, he said that those who had a go would get a go from his government so I was hoping that he could replace my house and organise a new wife for me. Oh, and some money would be nice. I don’t expect to get it all back but even just they purchase price would be helpful…”
“You can’t expect the PM to get you a new wife…”
“Ok, even if he had a word to the old one and said that the racehorse business was his fault. She hates him anyway so it’s not like he’d be losing a voter…”
“This is really nothing to do with…”
“Look, can ScoMo… You don’t mind if I call him, ScoMo, do you? Anyway, he quite clearly encouraged me to go out and buy a racehorse when he said that it wasn’t just Winx but the owners and trainers that ‘epitomised the fair go for those who have a go’.”
“It’s not Mr Morrison’s fault if you were silly enough to lose all your money buying a racehorse.”
“But he was the one who said that it…”
“I’m sorry but we’re not in the business of subsidising gambling losses.”
“Oh no, there’s no gambling losses. I mean the horse never even got to the races. I guess you could say it was rather like reopening Christmas Island detention centre.”
“Buying a racehorse is a gamble!”
“Not the way Scottie described it. He said it was just having a go. I almost felt like it’d be a betrayal of ANZAC spirit if I didn’t go out and get one.”
“We’re not giving you any money back!”
“Ok, ok. Well, at least could he go out and at least say a few things that would help me convince my wife that an electric car would be an even bigger waste of money?”
“Sir, you clearly aren’t listening.”
“I mean, it wouldn’t cost him anything would it? He could talk about how much trouble they are to charge…point out that they’re range is limited because we don’t make extension cords more than about fifty metres long so they’re not suitable for long trips… And they’re unreliable because thanks to Labor and The Greens we don’t have enough coal to…”
“Sir, you need to listen…”
“Come on, what harm would it do?”
“Sir, as I said, you clearly aren’t listening. Mr Morrison and his team have been doing that every day. Just get your wife to listen to SAD.”
“Sky After Dark. It’s an acronym.
“Ah appropriate because it’s full of SAD old has-been politicians and journos. So I just need to get her to watch that?”
“That’s right, we’ve said all those things and more. Now I’m sorry about your horse, but really there’s nothing more we can do.”
“What about an excise on electric cars to make them prohibitively expensive?”
“I said, ‘What about an excise on electric cars to make them prohibitively expensive?’ And you could place a special tax on the charging stations. Call it the Renewable Electric Vehicle or REV tax. No, not tax, because Labor does that and you only have new surcharges. Then you could call it REVS.”
“Sorry, sir, we may be able to help you after all. How would you like to join a team of advisers for the current Prime Minister? It’s good pay and…”
“No thanks. I’m not interest in casual work, I’m looking for something more permanent.”
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