Word got out several days ago Morrison had referred himself to a therapist. Our source is unclear, but we know it wasn’t the ABC this time. Oh damn it, okay, so it was News Corp, as if you couldn’t work it out yourself, it’s hardly going to be the Australian Signals Directorate or AFP; and of what’s left of the Public Service, a couple of disgruntled male staffers on private temporary contracts who might have thought their lewd comments of women would at worst score them a referral – More than their job’s worth right – You’re kidding!

So who had his conversation tapped, who has it in for Morrison anyone? There’s no HR in Parliament, other than the Finance Department and why would they rock the boat anyway? But we can come to that in a minute, we have a few ideas on that one.

What could Morrison have been thinking to refer himself to a therapist? Has Morrison grown a conscience? Perhaps there’s a problem in the Lodge, there sure as hell are problems in Parliament, don’t we know. Have you noticed he has been uncharacteristically more subdued and conciliatory in Question Time last week; the weight of the nation is finally getting to him? Maybe he is afraid of making more blunders in his press briefings, after all, these daily government announcements are a huge burden on his precious time and god it must be so mundane; sooner or later he was bound to put his foot in his mouth, poor bugger. Perhaps it is the cognitive dissonance from all he has said his government has been doing and the fact that there has been so little to show for it, the facts have been unravelling, all say – no do. Do people really think ‘I am just a big bag of wind?’

Think about it, the bushfires, Hawaii cut short, bite your tongue shaking hands with the enemy at home, COVID-19, mates on cruise ships and the containment debacle in Sydney, the one place he couldn’t afford to mess up, but then he could blame the last one on Dutton or NSW Health for that for that – Quite right so.

Climate change, well he got away with that all of last year but bloody hell those storms, the drought, the floods they just keep coming. Who the bloody hell forgot to tell him the El Niño was due this year, why didn’t the BoM or god himself brief him more thoroughly, he could have been more prepared for a change? Mind you, at least no-one will notice the absence of any heavy-duty flying bombers on bushfire procurement; no bushfires this year, besides that is a State responsibility when they come back again, no real worries there. Thank god our people are so resilient, thanks to us Liberals.

Well, “I’ve lost much of my electorate” says Morrison to his therapist, we screwed millions out of Robodebt and now we have to pay it back, “I really should have blamed my mate Christian Porter for that, he launched it despite it being my idea but people won’t remember that, if only I had got rid of him then,” but you see, continues Morrison to his therapist, “I felt for him, he’s a bloody good Attorney General; and fuck what’s left, I’ve ended up with Michaelia Cash now anyway, and she’s a bloody woman. But hell, she knows how to handle Labor, the Unions, the AFP and Senate enquiries, she knows how to handle the ABC while Porter screws the hell out of them, woof woof. So perhaps we can get more mileage out of her, she scowls like a frustrated scornful cat, far more effective than my incongruent Cheshire, so loyal to our Liberal cause is she, if only I could get her to do it more often than I do. I’m so glad she’s back.”

Cartoon by Alan Moir (moir.com.au)

Empathy is a wonderful thing, gloats Morrison, “I have all these wonderful resourceful people around me, what a team, whereas Labor are such a bunch of losers, I’m still here aren’t I? Suppose then I should be grateful.”

“Our COVID-19 vaccine roll-out is not going so well, fucked up on procurement and supply but thank god for the States, someone else we can blame till that stupid idiot Littleproud started bagging Berejiklian and her government, she’s a woman you know and a Liberal, you don’t fuck around with the biggest and most populous Liberal State in our federation, our mates – you seduce them with praises and pork barrel their electorates, even Dutton understands that.”

‘Hmm, Dutton, well at least I got him out of Home Affairs and into Defence which let’s face it, is in dire straits as diabolical as Dutton himself, keep him quiet for a while longer, I knew something was brewing… Mad fucking witch, hell he wouldn’t get away with that one now.”

“But this ‘women’ problem won’t go away, I could hardly go and talk to them now could I, they’d never understand me, not like Jenny!”

“But who’d have thought, a master stroke just when I needed it, put a woman in the Department of Home Affairs no-one has ever heard of, another as notorious as my beloved and faithful Christian Porter as Attorney General for all the collateral damage she can do, and create a few more ministries for women, ministries you’ve never heard of, nothing overboard mind. More women in my cabinet than there’s ever been, so who’s going to complain now that I don’t support women, they’re practically running the country?”

“I am shocked, just so shocked and disgusted at all these allegations of sexual abuse and misconduct in my government,” crock’s tears. “Normally I’d blame Labor, but I just couldn’t get the words out this time, and that is when I knew there was something wrong, and why I’ve come to you” claimed Morrison to his therapist, now looking out the window at Andrew Laming crossing the lawn with his infamous camera – who’s he chasing now? “Ah, that reminds me, how’s Porter doing… of course you don’t need to answer that, confidentiality I understand, but seriously I can empathise with what he’s going through. Suing the ABC and Louise Milligan, that was my idea you know, still got it – what it takes you know to run this country.”

“But WA, wasn’t expecting that. And John Barilaro has stolen my secret weapon, my lightning rod on coal.”

“All these distractions” hear the angels talking to each other in tongues, “saved Morrison’s arse from not having any actual government policies and purpose this time round, and all that money he has spent no parables in the making there, no sermons on the mount, god has been gracious.”

As for his therapist, there is very little ‘she or he’ can do, no real power to change anything in the corridors of power, and Morrison – got no insight, he doesn’t listen anyway, wreathing in denial.

Now to the question of who has it in for Morrison, spill the beans?

Well, we thought of Malcolm and then we thought of Dutton, Laming and Joyce and a few others on both the back bench and cross bench like Craig Kelly. A few women (half the population) we could mention, journalists, one or two at the ABC, even News Corp and Sky News not that they count for much as far as we’re concerned. All those souls 67yrs and over, and those in Aged Care and we heard NDIS is about to be scuttled on top of JobKeeper and the millions who have been ditched on Centrelink or left out in the cold with nothing throughout the pandemic, Aboriginal people, migrants, students, refugees (alas not everyone who votes). But what really does intrigue us is how Morrison’s popularity continues to be so high when he has screwed over more than two thirds of the population of Australia and the nation itself on so many occasions – And some would say a whole lot bloody more.

Then we thought of East Timor, China and Russia, and if Trump had still been in office America too, can’t have Australia going feral, now can we? But really… Putin, we reckon he’d want Morrison to run again because he’s doing such a good job at fucking up his country.

But then we thought, well you might have something to say about this today too, of all days?