“Well, I got a call from God the other day… not so much a call as a… he spoke to me and he said we needed to schedule a meeting and I said…you know, we’re both busy men… me with all the fake witch-hunts and the election and you with all the… God things… and anyway he was insistent that we needed to talk and so I squeezed him in and we met and He thanked me and I said, ‘So what can I do for you?’

“Well, He’s very old you know, he’s even older than Sleepy Joe Biden… I know, I know, that’s hard to believe, but unlike Sleepy Joe, God’s still loves America and wants to do what’s right… So I asked him what He needed to speak to me about… We don’t waste time, we get down to business and get things done…

“So God said to me that He was getting tired and that He’d probably need someone to take over in the next few years… I could see where this was heading, so I cut him off and… And said that I’d be pleased to help Him out because that’s the sort of thing that… but… I did wonder… so I said, ‘What about the kid? I mean I always thought that he’d be… you know… that you’d be… you know, handing over the reins to him…’

“And God said, “Let me stop you right there.”

“And I said, “Nobody stops me…”

“And then we both laughed and laughed because… well, I don’t know… but it’s true… a lot of people said ‘They’ll try and stop you, Mr President’ and I tell them I know that they stopped counting the votes and… where was that… we were in front and they stopped counting the votes and just declared Biden the winner… Mm, oh we were behind when they did that… They claimed that Biden had won that state and they stopped counting because they couldn’t find any more votes, but I’ll bet they could have found some if Sleepy Joe had asked them…

“After we stopped laughing, God went on to say how Jesus was never as popular… the ratings for my show were so much larger than the Sermon on The Mount which was, apparently his biggest… what did he call it a parable, no that was something else… Jesus was never as popular as me and that he spent his time on Earth hanging around with the wrong sort of people and God needs someone who’d drain the swamp just like I did with Washington… Jesus couldn’t even organise enough food and he had to borrow some loaves and fish from one of the supporters and that would never be enough to satisfy all the people who come to my rallies which are really, really big and they’re doing something that’s really important and that’s why God wants me to take over…

“He really liked my Make America Great Again slogan and thought that I might be able to come up with something like that for Him. I said that I thought Capitalism Creates Calm Kids would look nice on a cap and He nodded and told me that I was His greatest creation and that He had no idea when He created the Heavens and the Earth that it would turn out so well and that there’d be someone like me as a result of what He’d done…

“And I said, ‘Thank you, sir!’ because I am respectful and modest. In fact… I may be the most modest person God has ever spoken to… I don’t know but I just might be…

“But I had to go because I can’t spend all day just talking to God who, by the way, nobody ever voted for… but that’s all right, because He wasn’t a Democrat and He knew that they’d find a way to crucify Him if He stood for President because he wasn’t born here just like Barrack Hussein Osama who never showed me his birth certificate but he allegedly had one if you believe the Fake News, so God never stood for election which is why He admires me so much because I didn’t have to but I decided that someone had to save the country from all the criminals and woke people trying to say… what are they trying to say? Well, who knows? Nobody understands them and nobody cares because they’re dangerous and when I’m in charge we’ll build another wall like the one I built which was really good as far as it went but it didn’t join up at the other end so those Democrats just waved in all the terrorists and drug dealers and Latinos… When I’m President I’ll build a wall and put all the woke people behind it and we can have democracy again because we’ll be left with only people who believe in it and me because we’re Ameri-CANS not Ameri-can’ts… I said this to someone the other day and he said that he was Ameri-can’t… a very merry one… he meant someone by that but… I don’t know…”

“So, I’m off to court tomorrow where that hateful judge is going to try and stop me speaking but I’m on first name terms with God so nobody can stop me and… I don’t know… hopefully there’ll be some other judge there because the one who told me that I could speak to the jury while the woman on the stand just making up lies… he showed who he was voting for… and who voted for him. Maybe a bolt of lightning will hit him or something… “

“God bless America and all of you!”