As I often remind everyone, the trouble with conspiracy theories is that they start from two central truths of life:
- You can’t trust people in authority.
- Always look carefully at the evidence.
- The Illuminati is controlling everything.
Now my more astute readers will have noticed that I listed three things when I said that there were two truths. I could tell you which of the two are true but I’ll leave it work it out for yourself but please, for the safety of both of us don’t write in the comments that it’s number three!
Anyway, I must confess that I wasn’t taken too much notice of all the conspiracy theories surrounding the Princess of Wales. I mean, whatever you think of the Royal Family, it is pretty far-fetched to believe that she’d turned into a zombie and was eating their brains, even if there are less and less of them appearing in public. After all, a lack of brains never stopped them in previous generations so why should they go all sensitive about that now…
Yes, it was only in the last few hours that I felt the need to put my sharp investigative skills into the strange case of Kate’s photo. I call it strange for a number of reasons that haven’t been canvassed yet:
- Media organisations decided that it was digitally altered and didn’t publish it. This is only strange because many of the same media organisations have been publishing digitally altered photos for years.
- Prince Will wasn’t in the photo which would lead one to presume that he took the photo.
- Kate admitted to digitally altering the photo… Of course, when I say that Kate has admitted to doing that I simply mean that she tweeted that she’d done it after several media outlets said that it was altered. Of course, she explained that she’s an amateur photography who takes photos of herself and her children which makes one wonder where Willie was if he wasn’t the one taking the photo… And when I say that she explained what I mean is that there was a tweet from the account of The Prince and Princess of Wales which one presumes is from her because it ended with a capital “C” because her name is Catherine and William doesn’t use the “C” word at the end of his tweets. Although when I think about it the “C” could stand for a lot of things, including “Counterfeit”, “Contrived” and … anyway, let’s move on!
Speaking of Peter Dutton, I’d have to say that his nuclear policy is one of those times when I’m totally onboard with the conspiracy concept. What’s the Coalition being doing for the past ten years? Delaying the rollout of renewables and extending the life of fossil fuels. What would introducing nuclear do? Delay the rollout renewables and extend the life of fossil fuels!
It’s not hard to put two and two together and actually get four this time. Let’s take the policy seriously for a moment and presume that it’s a damn good idea. The first thing that’s wrong with it I’ll explain with this apocryphal story.
Imagine my wife and I want to go on a holiday at the end of the year. She decides that she’d like to go to France and I say that it’s too far away and they don’t speak English. She counters with the idea that we can learn enough French to get by and use Google translate for the rest and I counter with: “What about when the Internet doesn’t work at night!” and she replies that I’m an idiot and we get nowhere. However because it would be good to go on a holiday I propose that we go on space flight instead, but instead of discussing this with her and trying to reach consensus, I announce at a dinner party in front of friends that my wife has this silly idea of going to France and that she totally rejects the idea of a space flight because she doesn’t accept that the technology is completely safe and she thinks that it would cost more than France but if you people will just vote for me, I’ll have the space flight thing all organised sometime in the next decade.
Apart from anything else, you can probably presume that our end of year holiday won’t be happening.
So, in terms of Dutton, if he were really serious about nuclear energy then surely it would be good to be working on a consensus with the government rather than; “We’ll make this an election issue because power prices are too high and nuclear will help with that sometime in the very near future because it should only take 3-5 years to build a small nuclear reactor on every corner. Look at our success with the NBN rollout where we used the existing copper wires and we can do the same with nuclear reactors by putting them on the sites of defunct coal-fired power stations.”
Naturally there are some little holes in his plan. That is, if you presume that his plan is really to build them and not to merely keep Gina happy. Let’s look at the best case scenario for nuclear:
- Dutton wins election
- Dutton announces task force to draw up plan for SMR
- Task force investigates for six months and hands report to Dutton for consideration
- Dutton holds press conference to announce his intention to draw up a plan
- Press reports on rumoured location of SMRs
- Dutton tells media that no decisions have been made
- Coalition announces that they’ve contracted out the investigation of potential sites to a company which nobody has heard of but has an office in a shack on Kangaroo Island.
- Directors of said company go overseas to research the countries with SMRs operating.
- Directors return and announce that as there were no such countries we need to develop our own.
- New contract is drawn up giving Liberal donors lots and lots of money to build SMRs just as soon as they’re viable.
- Dutton is defeated in a spill and the new PM announces that he (this is the Liberal party, after all, so no need for a he/she there) will be getting nuclear back on track.
Like I said, the trouble with conspiracy theories is that they start with something perfectly reasonable. However, as someone once observed, when you have a choice between a conspiracy and a stuff-up, pick the latter. You’ll usually be right!
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