Interviewer – Today we have someone who’s recently been elevated from the back bench of government to the front bench of opposition. Congratulations on your promotion…
Shadowy figure – Good afternoon, yes, it’s a thrill to be here. I can’t tell you how happy we all are after our recent showing at the election. It’s quite clear that Labor don’t have a mandate to do anything and it’s a great thrill that I’m now in the sort of seat that means that when Prime Minister in exile, Peter Dutton asks a question, I’ll be right there behind him, nodding and appearing on camera so that the people in my electorate actually know who I am.
Interviewer – So what plans do you have, now that you’ve won opposition?
SF – Well, apart from winning government, we don’t really have much on our agenda. But I think that it would be remiss of me if I didn’t take this opportunity to point out that Labor have been in government for nearly three weeks now and they don’t have a solution to…
Interviewer – They’ve been in power less than…
SF – If I could just finish. They’ve been in power quite often and it’s only when they’re in power that we get a real chance to show what we can do, which is make an excellent opposition because nobody can oppose like us. Oh… But it’s not up to us to solve their problems for them and let’s be quite clear here. What are they going to do about… What are they going to do about…
Interviewer – The energy problem?
SF – Yes, sorry, I lost my notes there for a second. Yes, the energy problem. I mean, we’ve the last… fill in the blank… oh, I don’t think I was meant to read that bit out… anyway, we’ve spent the last few years trying to get emissions down and we haven’t worried about making sure that energy was affordable and reliable.
Interviewer – And that’s Labor’s fault?
SF – Of course it is. Why are you challenging me like this?
Interviewer – Ok, let me put it like this. And that’s Labor’s fault, how?
SF – Um, well they joined with the Greens to demand action on climate change and we could all live in trees and it wouldn’t be enough for them.
Interviewer – Just to be clear, you’re against people living in trees? I think you should make your position clear in case some left wing media gets hold of what you’ve said and tries to make it sound like you support people living in trees…
SF – Sorry, this wasn’t on the talking points. Am I meant to be against it? I mean if people are living in trees because there aren’t houses because they got washed away in the floods…
Interviewer – We’ll cut that bit out later…Let’s go back to how the current energy problem is Labor’s fault.
SF – Um, yeah, they shouldn’t have… Look, I don’t like these gotcha questions. How about if you just ask me to talk about our plans for the country now that nearly seventy percent of the people didn’t vote for Labor which means that most people want us even though it’s never stopped us from claiming a mandate even when we don’t get fifty percent of the vote…
Interviewer – You never get… Oh, never mind… What are your plans for the country?
SF – Well, in Sussan Ley, we have one of the most… the most… people who have a woman-type view because our leader supports women more than women do because… sorry, these notes are too hard to read…Anyway, you know how she changed her name by adding an “s” because it would give her a more interesting life? Anyway, now that she’s deputy PM…
Interviewer – Deputy leader. You didn’t win the election…
SF – Are you sure? I’m pretty sure that the even when we lose, the Deputy PM is the Deputy leader of the Liberal Party just like when the Nationals get to pick someone to be Deputy PM when they lose because… I’m actually not sure why. Shouldn’t Dutton be the Deputy PM on the basis that he got more seats than the Nationals… Anyway, what was the question?
Interviewer – Your plans for the country now that you’ve won opposition?
SF – Oh yes, apparently, Sussan assures us that if we just add an extra “S” and an extra “L”, Ausstrallia will solve all its problems…
Interviewer – Right…
SF – Well, it’s hard to argue with her because she’s now Deputy leader even though she got sacked from a ministry where nobody ever got sacked unless they were a woman…
Interviewer – Glad this wasn’t live…
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