Yeah, it’s satire, right? It’s a newspaper article from next week.
February 23rd, 2019
BOAT ARRIVES ON CHRISTMAS ISLAND
A boat of asylum seekers/illegal immigrants/rapists and murders (this depends on whether you read ABC/Murdoch/radio shock jocks) has landed on Christmas Island.
“This is on Bill Shorten’s head,” Peter Dutton announced to a waiting media, who watched the arrival from the beach on Christmas Island, after a tipoff that Michaelia Cash assured everyone wasn’t from her office. “We’ll need to open several thousand detention centres and give the contract to those two guys with an office on Kangaroo Island. They’ll probably need to charge at least a miillion dollars per illegal immigrant and that’s why the deficit has blown out again!”
Back in Canberra, Scott Morrison was asked if this meant that his border protection policies had failed. He replied that this was almost certainly Shorten’s fault, and whatever, “No information on boats got through under my watch, so if it was a stuff-up, it was on Dutton’s watch, and we know that even though he wasn’t as good as me and I’m PM, I’m still ambitious for him and we certainly agree that most important thing is that this is why Shorten must never be PM.”
Of course, surely if a boat actually arrived nobody would report it like this. They’d point out that, whichever way you look at it, the boat got through on your watch, so you can’t blame Labor. At this point they’d say it was because the boats all started up again and we’d cut funding so that we could get the Budget back in the black, and someone would ask then why were you paying a private company so much for security when you could have put all the asylum seekers in a luxury hotel in Sydney with room service for half the cost.
Of course, a luxury hotel in Sydney wouldn’t be a disincentive and the people smugglers would probably put that in their “brochures” which they hand out to people from the Middle East to who just happen to be on the streets of Indonesia with no intention of coming to Australia…
And this Bill that they passed is unconstitutional and illegal and Bill Shorten will never be PM because people care more about not treating sick people than they care about how we’ve fucked up just about everything we’ve touched including two Prime Ministers…
Oh, wait. This is not satire any more. I’m just describing the world that Christopher Pyne seems to live in.
Still, at least we can thank them for action on climate change. I know this because Tony Abbott just claimed credit for marriage equality. I mean, he opposed it every step of the way, but it happened anyway…
Maybe he’ll claim credit for Bill Shorten being PM one day. At least that has a bit more credibility than anything else they’re claiming today.
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