Interviewer: Tonight we have a spokesman for Peter Dutton because he wasn’t available so we have Noah Dear to explain what Mr Dutton meant when he complained about our decision not to send a ship to the Middle East and said that it took a “lot of effort and a special sort of weakness and incompetence for our Prime Minister to turn his back on our closest ally, a decision that could only be welcomed by Hamas (a listed terrorist organisation).” Good evening, Mr Dear.

Dear: Good evening. Yes, it’s a shameful decision and a weak decision. I mean we’ve never turned our backs on the United States. Whenever they’ve asked us to be involved in any war anywhere we’ve always done what we were told and anything less is, well, pretty weak, frankly.

Interviewer: But the government says that they’re more concerned about what’s going on in the Pacific. Shouldn’t that be our focus?

Dear: No, our focus should be whatever America tells us is our focus. As Mr Dutton said, it’s pretty weak when you don’t do what your greatest ally tells you to do.

Interviewer: So you’re suggesting that refusing to do what the USA tells him to do makes Mr Albanese weak?

Dear: Exactly. He’s not standing up to the people who think that we shouldn’t be sending a ship to Middle East.

Interviewer: And who are those people exactly?

Dear: The left of his party. I mean there’s never been a war that they supported… If it was up to them we’d have never gone to Vietnam to stop the communists from invading and we’d be overrun by Marxists.

Interviewer: Don’t some members of your party think that we have been overrun by Marxists?

Dear: Yes, so?

Interviewer: Doesn’t that suggest that going to Vietnam didn’t stop them and it was pretty much a waste of time?

Dear: Waste of time? That’s an insult to all the people who died protecting our freedom.

Interviewer: But by sending a ship to the Middle East aren’t we risking the lives of young Australians?

Dear: Yes, great, isn’t it? Give them a chance to die and preserve the legacy of people dying so that we can thank them and say that people died protecting our freedom so how dare you abuse their memory by saying something that we disagree with…

Interviewer: Why did he add the bit about the decision being welcomed by Hamas? After all, it’s the Hootsi pirates that the ship is meant to be warding off.

Dear: Well, they’re all on the same side, aren’t they? Hootsi, Hamas, Iran, university students, China, the ALP…

Interviewer: I see… Leaving that for the moment, I have information that certain people in Defence didn’t want the ship to be sent because of our limited capacity. For example, it would tie up more than one ship because we’d need to have another on its way to replace it and then we’d need a third one to replace that while the first one was returning home. Also the pirates in the Middle East are using drones and we have a limited capacity to protect ourselves against drone strikes.

Dear: Well, I don’t know if that’s true but if it is doesn’t that suggest that the Albanese government has been asleep at the wheel?

Interviewer: But your party was in power until last year.

Dear: Now you’re just spouting Labor Party talking points. I mean the idea that our current leadership team is responsible for anything is just nonsense. Peter Dutton wasn’t the PM, David Littleproud wasn’t the Deputy PM, Barnaby wasn’t paying attention, Sussan Ley was trying to solve the housing crisis by buying up more investment properties, Stuart Robobert was trying ensure that any debts that people owed were paid back whether they owed them or not … None of them are responsible…

Interviewer: So you’re saying that they’re all irresponsible?

Dear: Yes… No… Look, I’m saying that Labor are in power and it’s up to them to fix things and not to attempt to blame others for what they haven’t done.

Interviewer: So it’s Labor’s fault and they shouldn’t seek to shift the blame?

Dear: Exactly. We’ve never tried to shift the blame even though most of things that went wrong are the direct result of Tony Abbott’s inability to accept that he won the election and actually had to get on with governing, or Malcolm’s inability to lead because it was a condition of becoming PM that he promised not to move the party to the centre, or Scott Morrison’s inability to move at all because he was posing for a photo. We’ve just accepted that it’s time to move on and we don’t want to look back and talk about what we did or didn’t do. It’s time to forget the past unless we’re talking about how the Rudd/Gillard years are the worst government we’ve ever had apart from this one and the Whitlam one.

Interviewer: So you’re prepared to take some of the blame?

Dear: Only when it’s actually our fault in some way and, so far, it never has been.

Interviewer: I see. On another matter, in order to clean up all those nasty rumours swirling around on the Internet, why did Peter Dutton leave the police force?

Dear: Honestly, is there no level that you won’t stoop to? He left for personal reasons.

Interviewer: There was a story in one paper that it was because he’d had a car accident and he was afraid to drive.

Dear: Even if that were true, it’s terrible that you’d resort to a personal attack like that…

Interviewer: I was just giving you the opportunity to set the record straight.

Dear: It’s just typical of you lefties! You have nothing to offer so you attack the person. It’s pathetic! It’s weak, just like the PM is weak. You resort to name-calling like when Albanese said: “Sit down, Boofhead!” to Mr Dutton. I mean, he was terribly upset and it took great courage to sit down after that. Mr Dutton is a lovely man and insults hurt him…

Interviewer: Some might say that sounds weak?

Dear: That’s a terrible thing to say. Accusing the leader of political party of being weak is not appropriate…

Interviewer: I was just asking the questions and giving y…

Dear: Well, you should think long and hard about what you’re doing because if we were in power you’d…

Interviewer: Yes?

Dear: Never mind. It’s been a pleasure.

Interviewer: But I haven’t finished…

Dear: You will be once I ring your boss!