“Good morning, children, and happy 100th anniversary of Donald Trump Day to you all. Today is the day when we pause in our daily work and remember the great man and how he changed America forever.
“As the older children all know, back before Emperor Trump assumed the throne, there used to be what was called elections. These primitive ways of selecting the government were based on the idea that all people should have input into the running of the country. Naturally, this was an incredible waste of manpower when it came to counting the votes, but people actually had to take time off to go to what were called “polling stations” where they would vote. And, even though all of them were less intelligent than the Great Leader, some still spent hours listening to what was called the NEWS. A few even wasted time reading about the decisions that the government would make.
“Obviously this was a very poor way of selecting who was best to govern. For a start, most people were below average intelligence so this meant that the winner was someone who appealed to the less intelligent. Then there was the problem that the elite only received the same voting power as the ordinary citizen.
“The election of 2020 demonstrated this point clearly. While Emperor Trump received all the votes of the intelligent people, he was still behind when the votes were all tallied up because, in those days, the votes of those wishing to vote against him were actually counted.
“At first Trump tried to point out that there were discrepancies in the voting, like the fact that one person was prepared to come forward and sign an affidavit that he had heard people talk about how someone’s uncle had actually witnessed people changing ballots from blank to Joe Biden. When a court threw this out after it was eventually investigated and discovered that this was just the person exercising their right to vote on their own ballot paper, the Trump team was forced to return to its basic principle that anyone who didn’t vote for him was clearly part of the socialist mob that wished to change the United States through voting for someone else.
“It became clear that the courts were going to be no help when even his appointees suggested that they had an obligation to uphold the law and not simply follow the whims of the President, so in between the sixteenth and seventeenth holes, Trump was forced to make what we now know as the Mar-a-Lago Doctrine which upholds the ideal upon which this country was re-founded.
“To quote it in full:
I’m a really great president. Nobody does presidenting like me, except maybe Abraham Lincoln and he’s dead, so that makes me the best but these Democrats want to take that away by insisting that all votes count when we all know that this country was founded on the principles of no taxation for the very rich and only they deserve representation and obviously only the votes for the best candidate should count because I can’t see why all the people who didn’t vote for me aren’t in jail because they clearly don’t support law and order and you know how we were going to make the country great and lock Hillary up, well, clearly they want to stop that and so the best way to prevent them is with an executive order which makes it illegal to vote for anyone else but me. So if they’ve voted for Sleepy Joe then that means they’ve committed a felony and we all agree that felons shouldn’t get the vote. Henceforth, every four years we’ll have a day where people can go into the polling booth and exercise their democratic right to endorse the really, really good government and if they don’t want to do that well… they can still vote for the other person but they should realise that their vote won’t be counted.”
“Once Trump issued the decree that only votes for him would count, some were too foolish to accept the result and many of the Fake News Media started to make up stories about everyone’s vote counting, as though this had ever been more than an experiment gone wrong.
“When the media was put under the control of the White House to prevent Fake News from spreading, a number of people took to the streets deliberately causing chaos. In a magnanimous gesture, the Great One forgave them and told them that if they returned to their houses, they would not be shot in the streets. And true to his word, he waited till they had returned to their houses before sending his militias to kill them all in the comfort of their own homes. After that, people were generally more appreciative and very few people tried to argue.
“So ever since that day, Americans have been spared the difficulty of making choices and what they do is dictated to them by someone who knows much better than the elites who tried to take away people’s rights to be homeless and to force us to have affordable healthcare so that even those without money could defy Darwin and God’s decree that only the fittest should survive.
“Later today, President Trump will once again have to appear on the screen to show that he has not died as the fake news insist. He is a happy 174-year-old who hasn’t changed a bit in the past ninety years as you’ll see by his appearance at his yearly news conference. So, have a happy Trump Day and after this brief pause, you can all get back to work.
“Hail, Emperor Donald.”
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