Photo: Meme-pictures

“No nation has ever taxed itself into prosperity.”― Rush Limbaugh

“No country has ever taxed or subsidised its way to prosperity” Tony Abbott.

So, I’m very lucky to have with me, one of the Liberal economic advisers, Mr Fik Tishus, to work us through the Coalition plan to get the country back back on its feet. Thanks Mr Tishus, can I get you to outline what you feel are the priorities for this country.

Thanks, Rossleigh, can I call you Rossleigh?

Ross, thanks, but back to the question what are the priorities for this country?

Rossleigh’s a very unusual name where does it come from?

My parents called me that – no idea why. The priorities?

Yes, we have them all worked out.

And they are?

In a sealed envelope in my desk.

Could you, perhaps, tell us one.

Fixing the economy.

What are you proposing to do to fix the economy?

Oh, we intend to make the economy STRONG, and to reduce the DEBT.

Yes, ok, and how are you proposing to do this?

By getting rid of waste and unnecessary taxes.

Such as?

Well, we have a mandate to get rid of that great big tax on everything the Carbon Tax and the Mining Tax.

Right. So how does this help you bring the Budget back into surplus?

Well, it’s a big tax and if we reduce it then we don’t have to pay as much.

But as a government, you receive tax, you don’t pay it.

Is that true?

Yes, you don’t pay tax as the government.

No, I meant is it true that we’re the government? I hadn’t noticed. Sorry, I don’t get out much.

So how does it help you balance the Budget?

It’s actually getting rid of waste that helps us balance the Budget.

Can you give me an example of waste?

Well, there’s a booklet put out by the Party which lists Labor’s waste. It was called Labor’s Big Book of Waste. Clever title, eh?

I looked at that book, and I could only identify about $4 billion dollars worth of so-called waste when I added it up. And much of it wasn’t ongoing. That’s hardly going to put the Budget back into surplus?

No, but when we get rid of all these public servants who are doing nothing, we’ll have saved billions?

But who’ll do the work they now do?

Private industry. They’ll do it more efficiently. They’ll even make a profit at it.

But doesn’t that mean we’ll be paying more?

No, that’s the thing about private industry we don’t have to pay their wages. 

Yes, but don’t we have to pay the companies for the work they do?

Of course, and they’ll be making profits, because Australia is now open for business.

How does this help the Budget?

Because the economy will be booming again. Thanks to the fact that we no longer have all that red tape.

So, let me get this straight: You think that by reducing your revenue base, putting people out of work and the government just doing as little as possible, then the structural problems in the Budget – such as the ageing population – will just disappear?

Did you never think to ask your parents about your name? 

NO!

It’s amazing the questions people don’t ask.

It is.

I mean you haven’t even asked me what the response to growing deficits in the Budget is called.

I know.

It’s named after me. It’s called the Fik Tishus solution.

I think I sort of knew that already.

Well, I better go. If we’re in government, I’ll have to go and stop the Ministers from doing anything. Small government that’s the answer.

What’s the question?

I don’t understand.

That’s what worries me.