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Newscorp polishes the knob

The tattered remnants of the “natural party of government” experienced a collective bout of the vapours when their keys to the nation’s treasure were confiscated and the very real prospect arose that some of their most egregious persons of interest would be held accountable for the boondoggles, daily scandal and general douchebaggery. They are now re-grouping under new management to reactivate the fear and loathing that is their brand.

The Game Of Mates is the Tories’ raison d’être – it gives the tawdry existence of their party some meaning, it puts the ‘dicks’ in Big Swinging Dicks®, it’s their viagra, their self-esteem. It’s the foundations of the Tory ecosystem, it’s the glue that binds their warring gangs who otherwise despise each other. The Thatcherites, cutpurses, chancers and urgers and glory holers, the bible-bending mammonites and the poofter bashers that make up their number were all collectively bereft that the grift without access to our money is unworkable.

Now no lie is too outrageous, no sanctimony is too hypocritical to facilitate the big con, to once again seek to serve their neo-liberal instincts for national asset stripping and stealing our money to gift to their pals. Their big problem as they arise from the fainting couch and straighten their hair is how to sell their shitfuckery anew to punters who had abandoned them due to that very same shitfuckery.

You can accuse the Tories of many things and if any of those things is derogatory then there’s a fair chance it will be true. Like herd stupidity. Thinning this herd by taking out the lame and the dimwitted is futile if the objective is to improve the breed. These dullards actively disenfranchise their best and brightest (i.e. the less repulsive) leaving a shallow gene pool that has an animatronic legume as its figurehead and as 2IC a befuddled ditz who’s out of her depth at the wading end. What these clowns in their wisdom seem to have decided upon is a threefold strategy:

After moderate electors abandoned their party the worst-of-the-worst are pushing further right and doubling down on the issues that saw them thrown from office. Yet unless they win back the seats lost to independents they’ll need an unrealistic 54% of the 2PP for majority government.

Then also they adopt the blanket negativism of the rabid Abbott’s clownship regardless of the harm to the national interest. After being laughed from office Abbott’s been haunting the periphery with delusions of a Churchilian return, reminding voters of the Christo-Taliban who infect the Tories yet the modus operandi of a bloke whose term as PM was shorter than the shelf-life of Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriends still inspires the surviving Tory by-catch.

They will politicise every issue ala Punchable McSmirkFace. Morrison personified the most soporifric, contemptible, mercenary government in our history, yet the Libs have never seen a bad idea that they aren’t prepared to repeat. The stage 3 tax cuts being a perfect example – they are salivating at the prospect of a political wedge. What’s best for the country is entirely irrelevant in the pursuit of political point scoring.

Lessons learned? These idiots keep pressing the close button on the elevator doors that their heads are trapped in. Their attempts at reputational recovery are at Sideshow Bob level.

If you’ve ever peed on an electric fence you’ll recognise the presentation skills of Lib deputy douche, the Tories’ head tosser Sussan Ley. Bed hair, rapid eye blinks and facial tics suggest the speaking points on her whine list are being transmitted via vibrating anal beads. Suss elicits an image not so much of windswept, womanly intuition, more a blancmange in a wind tunnel; barely holding together a coherent sentence in her stream of contrived outrage at whatever the Tory spin machine has nominated as the deflection du jour. Bluster serves as camouflage, shame and embarrassment ooze from her pores as <head toss> she snivels her self-pity <head toss> where, after 9 years of neglect, incompetence and criminality everything is the fault of someone else <head toss>.

Trotting out LeyZ to front the media highlights at least some instinct within the party that the big tuber, Spud Supreme, was not yet ready for full, uncensored public consumption. Unfortunately for them most people know exactly who he is and so the Cuddly Pete treatment will be trowelled on by the pamphleteers at News Corp as cover for his innate, menacing, deadpan shtick on the occasions he escapes his keepers.

Spud is sticking with his greatest hits – fear, uncertainty and doubt; Spud’s FUD. Brownish toddlers threatening our way of life by inspiring invading hordes of suicide bombers, fearful Melbournians seeking refuge from dark rampagers, union thugs, indigenous Australians, the gay and trans communities, “an over-tolerant society”, dirty lefties, climate protesters, refugee advocates and rude Tweeters besmirching his reputation.

RWNJs always need an enemy on whom to project their own worst instincts and Spud’s marked his territory. If you’re of “the other” you will be demonised. The flaw in all of this of course is that when you add up all the others you have a majority – hence, the Tories and their News Corp muck-spreaders will prosecute the culture wars to divide and conquer.

Venality unites the Tories. What they cannot understand is that empathy, the fair go, the helping hand unites the rest of us and so they will fail. Big time.


Cartoon by Cathy Wilcox


This article was originally published on Grumpy Geezer.

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  1. Kerri

    Technically speaking a potato is not a legume. As you comment later, a potato is a tuber. A legume is a pea or bean that grows seeds in a pod.
    Also I have held back from commenting on Ley’s hair as I suspect she suffers with some form of Alopecia.
    Otherwise I agree.

  2. Michael Taylor

    Kerri, technically speaking Dutton isn’t a monster. 😜

  3. Phil Pryor

    Dutton is not monstrous, oh no.., but, a congealed faecal skull packed tight, ugghh, is tuberous, monstrous, hideous and chlamydeous, perfidious, ridiculous, perilous, contagious, outrageous, disadvantageous to us all, because of the SAID SHItSKULLED contents normally used for THINKING.

  4. Andrew J. Smith

    Weird old ecosystem out there created by and for RWNJs by (right wing) media oligopoly that allows e.g. nativist, libertarian, Christian or conservative tropes to be highlighted by stunts, selective content, astroturfing and adoption via social media bots to be spread further; on latter even better is an outcome of co-opting ageing left, especially women.

    It’s a global thing of the right, including the Anglosphere and Europe to create division then have both left and right fighting it out via university campuses over non issues?

    Jon Faine seemed to walk in eyes wide shut to MC a panel discussion on trans issues at University of Melbourne, which was allegedly attacked/shut down by an aggressive trans rights group.

    The same ‘eight or nine noisy trans activists’, according to Twitter reports (inc. an offshore anti trans website), apparently then went on to harass several women on the panel having dinner nearby; unclear who the trans right group was, then as always it’s unclear why universities continue to be caught as the hosts then targets of harassment?

    Seems too cute like Arndt being used to promote ‘men’s rights’ on university campuses, provoking harassment and shutting down, then can complain of censorship by the left and no freedom of speech; much is to do with these awful universities teaching one how to be a ‘lefty’ as opposed to sensible conservative RWNJs….

  5. New England Cocky

    The wonderful descriptive talents of our GG once again accurately describe the ”merits” of the Liarbral Nazional$ COALition politicians and the unelected political hacks who determine pre-selection.

    Long may Benito Spudhead and Susssan Airhead rule as elected ”leaders” of His Majesties Loyal Opposition, to be swept away in the coming Australian Republic having an Australian borne Head of State.

    Out of boredom I recently watched a Fox broadcast of political comment that originated in America. The undiluted rubbish spewed forth made playground arguments between teenagers appear to be Booker Prize winners.

  6. Spunty

    I was disappointed that the term, “woke” was not included in the list of enemies of the Tories. It does seem to be one of their favourite go to arguments against everything fair in the world.

  7. Clakka

    Yeah, excellent. The recent pile-on by MSM (incl. ABC Insiders & ‘News’) about the Stage 3 Tax cuts, is to say the very least a stark representation of the pathetic ra-ra mentality bound up in the “Canberra Bubble”. Like brats in a kiddie’s playground, stridently shouting about a “broken promise”, regardless of and without any proper discussion of changing circumstances and the wisdom of appropriate change. They give confidence and provide an opening for ‘Benito’ and ‘Suss’ to blather utter bs and ramp conspiracy and hatred. A regurgitation of RWNJ sensational bad-thinking column miles and electron-buzz. Never let an opportunity go by to fashion an ongoing shock-horror show of toxic fairy-floss from which to save us lest we plunge into an abyss they haven’t quite designed yet. An important contribution to the pandemic of delusion.

  8. GL

    I would have used “LNP Polishes Newscorps Knob”.

  9. leefe

    Suss-Ann’s hypocrisy is even more gobsmacking than what one usually expects from the LNP. In a Guardian article about impacts on and attitudes towards Gillard’s misogyny speech, she actually had the unmitigated gall to refer to Gillard’s government as “ineffective and incompetent”.
    May we suffer from more such ineffectiveness and incompetence, rather than more of what we endured under Abbott/Turnbull/Morrison.

  10. Albos Elbow

    Truth be known, they are the small shrinking dicks club.

  11. Geoff Andrews

    Tossing up as to whether to call him Tuber Colossus or Dick Tater.
    Both apply, depending on the circumstance: one when he’s being a disease on the body politic; the other when his “born to rule “ instinct fires up.

  12. Bert

    Grumpy Geezer. Australia’s version of the Guardian’s John Crace.
    Both of them excellent commentators on the state of their respective countries politics.

  13. Mark Shields

    Herd Stupidity is as prevalent as McDonalds cheap meals!

    What is most dangerous, is the fact that so many coal miners are so/too dumb to recognise the change they are involuntarily attached to.

    Fuck the jobs of Coal Miners; Someone needs to make these greedy/lazy/fucktards accountable for the damage they’ve caused! Why haven’t these lazy Jerks realised their responsibility to Nature? PROBABLY BECAIUSE THEY ARE TOO FUCKING DUMB TO RECOGNISE THE VALUE OF NATURE!

  14. Mark Shields

    NATURE IS TOO FRAGILE to accept human interference! NATURE requires human harmony: Live and let live: Let’s STOP Environmental VANDALISM.

  15. Canguro

    With all due respect Mark, Nature is not fragile, it is robust, and has been doing what it does for millions if not billions of years. It is adaptive and responsive to conditions and circumstances though, and this it what we are now witnessing, wrt the global warming crisis. Nor does nature require human harmony, for we are just one amongst many organisms, albeit a dominant and dysfunctional example that has wrought massive damage to the overall planetary ecology.

    We can be discarded, and might be, as fate decrees, in the inexorable unfolding of mathematical and psychical laws, per our understanding of our role here on earth and our obedience to that or otherwise. I suspect our fate won’t be written in a glorious fashion but something to the contrary.

    In regard to stopping environmental vandalism; first and foremost it has to be recognised as such by the perpetrators. Until such recognition dawns, it’s difficult to see any change in current attitudes and approaches. The vandalism is driven, by and large, by economic imperatives; profit-driven behaviour, or more simply, a need to pay for one’s existence. We have some very flawed societal and economic-financial models currently playing dominant roles within the human psyche and until they are replaced with more appropriate ones that place us in a more natural relationship with our surroundings it’s hard to see how we can break away from the dominant exploitative paradigm that currently prevails.

    I get where you’re coming from, but banner waving and sloganing won’t solve the issues that bedevil us.

  16. Canguro

    I get it that there’s not a lot of robust discussion on this website about the perils of climate change; it’s understandable, and among this intelligent community of commentators it’s probably a default understanding that such discussion is, in the inimitable observation of Greta Thunberg, just more blah blah blah.

    Why weep and wail as the crest of the tsunami approaches? Why rail against the unfairness as the pryoplastic flow surges towards our communities? Why cry unfair when ocean surges sweep away our houses? Kicking against the shit is no more a rational behaviour than denying the inevitable consequences of the laws of physics.

    Here’s David Attenborough’s most recent plea for humanity to wake up and respond to the snowball rolling downhill and about to engulf us all…

  17. wam

    Well done, grump, Spud’s FUD is perfect.
    There is little power in that which cannot be demonstrated, seen, felt, smelled or tasted.
    Climate has no fear for man who lives in all climates of the earth.
    Greenhouse effect and venus should terrify us???

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