A couple of weeks ago, I wrote Brilliant Abbott Strategy – The Best Way to Stop People Talking About Your Last Mistake Is To Make Your Next. As with much of what I write, people mistook it for satire, not realising that it had been leaked from Cabinet.
Well, when I say “leaked”, I mean that it came from Cabinet in the usual way via courier who handed it to me saying that this one had also been sent to half a dozen other people who weren’t publishing it because they thought that the concept was already so obvious that the only people in Australia who didn’t understand it were Barnaby Joyce and that fellow advertising his services as a psychologist for your pet rock.
The Black Suits Botch-up where members of Border Force were coming to Melbourne to be “positioned” in places where they could keep us safe by not stopping people randomly or on the basis of their race. So it seems to be rather confusing as to who they were actually going to be checking. According to one source, they were going to grab anyone who approached them asking directions to any TAFE provider, but I couldn’t get anyone at Border Force to confirm that.
“Can I get someone to confirm that you were going to target students?” I asked.
“I’m not at liberty to discuss that,” said the man on the phone.
“Well, who could?”
“Only the commander of Victoria and Tasmania but he’s tied up at the moment.”
“When will he be free?”
“He’ll be tied up for the next few weeks. But we may take the gag off to let him eat something tomorrow.”
So, I guess we should all move on and just accept that this is not the sort of thing we do in Australia and that those protesters have just made fools of themselves by protesting against what was just a poorly worded press release put out by someone who wasn’t very good at wriitng press releases and nobody at Peter Dutton’s office had time to read it because they’ve been busy changing the name of his department from “The Minister for Saying Nothing” to the “The Minister for Doing Nothing”.
We have more important things to consider because according the latest leak,the following things will happen:
- Mr Abbott will be announcing a carefully considered decision to bomb Syria in the week before the Canning By-election.
- Joe Hockey will announce a tax-cut trial for the people living in the Canning electorate to see if paying no income tax at all is a boost to both economic activity and the government’s poll numbers.
- Margie Abbott will make a public appearance with Tony and smile, before telling everyone that he really is a “wonderful” husband and these past few months have been the best years of their marriage.
- Next year, Border Force will break into an episode of “Masterchef” during an elimination challenge and take someone away for visa irregularities, prompting Matt Preston to wonder if the poor contestant will be able to plate up in time for judging.
- Dyson Heydon will defer his decision on whether to stand down until he’s had more time to consider how many times he can do this before people stop asking him about it.
- Cabinet will no longer publish minutes but Cabinet members will simply read what was said in the daily paper.
- The Liberals will attempt to prove people wrong by sending out invitations to a drinking session in a brewery. The alternative was rejected because of inevitable comparisons with Craig Thomson.
- In order to prevent a snap election in the event of Malcolm getting the numbers, Tony’s driver has been instructed, if Mr Abbott tries to visit the Governor-General, to drive aimlessly round in circles until it’s clear that what Tony intends to do. (Rather like the rest of the Abbott Government.)
- Jobs. The Government is in favour of them and wants you to be aware of that. Not to mention Growth. That’s the sort of plan they have for our economy. They have a plan and it involves jobs and growth. And not just Australian jobs, but if you want to get all hung up on them being jobs for Australians then you’re nothing but a racist who wants to bring back the White Australia policy.
- And Security. Keep our Borders STRONG and don’t let foreigners in. They’re going to mention that they’re in favour of security too. At least once a week. Or until something terrible happens where they can say, “See we told you that we were the only ones capable of keeping you safe!”
