Cracks are beginning to show in the pitch. The pitch that Scott Morrison is making to the Australian public. Some of the gaps are so wide of the crease that they indicate a turning wicket.

His captaincy and batting for Team Neo-Liberal have been so bad over the season that many have suggested he retire on nought, not out. On form, those in the know say he has little chance of making a big score this summer. He doesn’t even want to attend the conference on the climate in Scotland. How else are we going to know how to prepare our pitches in the future?

The sneaky way he runs between the wickets, with that stupid grin on his face, would suggest a possible run out toward the end of the year. If not, the New Year.

The current state of play indicates a subtle but significant shift in how the game is being played. The Prime Minister is on the back foot firmly behind the ball, playing a negative straight conservative bat like any well-bred cricketer with right-wing origins.

But the opposition’s bowling has been tight, not giving much away. Albanese has been no-balled for bowling wide of the crease only once in this innings.

So, let’s see if we can analyse the match thus far, remembering this is a six-test series over three years.

Despite an ageing, out of form team of over the hill players who seemingly lost touch with the modern game ages ago, captain Morrison seems determined to take the game back to the W.G. Grace era.

However, there’s talk that he might chance his arm and change the line-up for the next match. “We need new bowlers who can swing the bloody thing to the right,” he was heard to say. But the young import de kok looks to be on a length.

Of course, the Murdoch press is playing ball with all this negative play. They continue to support his captaincy, despite his atrocious decisions. I mean, when you’re batting on a green top, why on earth would you bowl so much spin? Poor form, that. Just ask Warnie.

On the other hand, social media has stumped a few batters by chucking a lot of fast-talking positive commentary at a government deemed the worst since Abbott captained the side. Remember “Sports Rorts.” From now on, protectors are being made compulsory.

Sinking to underarm stuff is “simply unbecoming,” they have said of Morrison’s captaincy. You would think he would recognise that it’s time to concentrate on the game’s finer points and consider traditional fair play instead of lying as much as he does.

Even the umpires have chatted to him about his ball-tampering. His hands seem to be in his pockets more times than they are out.

The fact is, the team have been caught behind and need to play ball with the umpiring public. At the rate Morrison is scoring, he is unlikely to captain the side in the next test, and there is also some doubt about the team’s composition.

Some say that Porter should be dropped or that he should at least get a manager because he has been handling himself too long. On the other hand, he’s pulling the ball really well.

Another one on the back foot, as it were, is Dutton, who is always short of breath (or a length) and is finding it difficult to run between the wickets. Reading the rules while waiting to bat must be detrimental to one’s performance. He always seems to be full of shit.

He was well out of his crease and stumped several times when he wouldn’t give an undertaking not to go to war with China.

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Meanwhile, the right of right in the member’s pavilion could be seen clapping his every shot – even the one’s he missed by a mile.

It’s fair to say that the Government is playing as though they have no leader, and everyone is telling him how to play. Scotty looks bewildered at times like he cannot decide on the batting order given so many are out of form.

I mean, Freydenberg has been on a pair twice in the last two tests. And goodness gracious, the pacemen Morrison, Dutton and Joyce have been swinging the ball so far to the right that they are continuously no-balled. Joyce, in particular, bowls so many full tosses that ‘Tosser’ has become his nickname.

They did get rid of the ‘carbon tax,’ but the entire team still seems confused by the plan the PM has replaced it with. Some think it’s a plan to have a plan and others believe it is our plan. The one we are sticking with unless Scott comes up with a better plan.

Having said that, some of the group still cannot come to grips (that reminds me to change mine. It’s an age thing) with the difference between weather and climate, which brings into doubt the quality of future pitches.

You might say the spectators have been hit for six on this one. Maybe it’s time to bring on the quicks back on. A bit of bodyline or direct action of the right sort, that’s what’s needed.

After bowling a few maiden overs, there can be no doubt, Porter copped one in the box over his deception. I mean, you can’t believe that the game should be played transparently, moderately and in the best interests of the game one day and then change the rules to suit yourself the next. Perhaps he needs a new protector to keep everything in place; otherwise, everything hangs loose.

After the lunch break

During the lunch break I thought I would ask the Shadow Foreign Affairs Minister, Penny Wong, a couple of questions, so I asked her how she was enjoying Foreign Affairs. She said that she had never had one. Then I asked her if she was likely to bowl a wrongen or two this innings.

“Yes” she said, “I would like to get into Barnaby Joyce for a few overs to see if it’s all true.”

“True?”

“Yes, you know the rumours?”

“What rumours?”

“I’ll catch you at tea.”

This session has been a balls-up. The bowler Tony Burke has been no-balled four times during the current over while trying to get his point of order across to the Speaker.

Fact is, Morrison’s policies are being comprehensively hit to square leg, and team mascot Puppy Porter was seen chasing after them because he’s not guaranteed a second knock.

Hunt nicked one to slips from Tony Burke but was caught out in France. It reminds me of something Merve Hugh’s said to a spectator at fine leg at the G after dropping a catch; “Fkn hopeless.”

And Morrison’s team are appallingly bad sports. It’s a pity the opposition can’t appeal to the third umpire. Once upon a time, it was a gentleman’s game, and we played by traditional rules, but Morrison seems to have let it all roll into the gutter.

He has replaced everything our beloved game stands for with Lillee white lies, and all the video replays confirm it. And the soberness Morrison has placed on the game, well, it’s a crying shame.

I think for the last two sessions he has just been batting with the breeze or must have been hit with a bouncer while not wearing a face mask. Concussion set in, and when he recovered he realised that there are real known facts in the world and that truth does matter.

Image from mix1023.com.au (Photo by Getty)

When I found out about all the lies and hypocrisy, whatever respect I had for the Australian captain had been hit for six.

I felt like I had just copped one in the nuts from Malcolm Marshall. I was so distressed – bloody hypocrite. No wonder a captain who bats at 10 isn’t a cricketer’s arsehole. No wonder he’s on a pair.

During the lunch break, he complained about the cost of living (or was it lifestyle?) pressures on the players and spruiked that it was perfectly OK to receive expenses even if they were given to the spouses.

Nothing worse than a bloody all-rounder who can only bowl arm balls. It was as well the public appealed against his version of free speech; otherwise, he might never have shut up.

Then after lunch, he brings on his slowest bowler George Christensen to bowl “Chinaman” deliveries (shit, in other words). In a recorded interview before play, he was quoted as saying that he was stumped as to why the game had never appealed to the Commies.

Goodness knows he is good at bowling spin on sticky wickets. George was on a hat-trick, but the umpire dismissed his third appeal based on an obstructed view – something to do with body mass and refusing a jab for the tour of the Philippines.

Anyway, at the close of play Morrison has shown little desire to get on with the game. He gives the impression he would rather play his own game, but the middle-order seems to have him by the balls. The team treasurer Josh Freydenberg is still saying the team budget is in good shape even though those handling our finances say it isn’t. But then he always bats below his average.

After a long, drawn-out final session, the captain of team Australia (as it was known under the previous Captain Tony Abbott) looks intent on a draw of sorts.

He doesn’t seem to have the members on his side, particularly those from the bush. His captaincy shows little innovation, and the team is in disarray. The pitch is deteriorating; even though there is moisture in the surface, with some grass. He shows little inclination to arrest his aggression against balls short of a length.

When fielding, his placements are terrible. Should we have a short or long third man?

At the after-play drinks, one player in the opposition was heard to say, “That bloody Morrison must have been born with two dicks. He couldn’t be this stupid playing with one.”