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Learning to love Big Brother

It is time to be pessimistic. Joy has fled. Hope is dead. The sun is setting on the election and we are entering a long, dark, conservative night.

Already the chilling intent of the new government has sucked the warmth from the evening. Like a low fog a miasma of economic rationalism is spreading out to blanket the land and utterly obscure the economic lowlands. Soon, once again, the only things visible to our politicians will be the spires of the churches, the towers of the corporations, and the mansions of the rich.

The revolution has failed. Equality has gone missing in action, Liberty is on the run, and Society is lying bleeding in a gutter. So now is the time to gather the remaining troops together and discuss survival strategies.

These ten tips may help you to survive during the coming months – but nothing is certain.

Tip #1: Ideological panic is warranted!

If you are Marxist, Socialist, Progressive, Libertarian, or Anarchistic, or do not own three investment properties, then ideological panic is entirely warranted. Our new government does not harbour any hidden intentions to do you harm: their plans are right out in the open! You are the enemy.

Full blown panic may be your only option. In 1984 Winston Smith had some options available whereas your every action and thought is already recorded for all to see on every social media site in the country. So the forces of niceness and right-thinking already have your number. Your ticket has already been clipped. You have been identified.

The best you can possibly hope for is to stay under the radar for as long as possible before you hear the inevitable late night knock at your door.

Tip#2: Gay people should embrace only their second class status.

Same sex attracted people are advised to avoid the use of the words ‘Gay’ or ‘marriage’ and stand at least three feet apart whenever in public. If you memorise the names of all the members of a local football team it may fool some of the lower level operatives for some minutes. It may give you some time to gather a few possessions before you have to flee.

Tip#3: We are all Godly and upstanding Believers now.

If you understand the difference between being an Atheist and an Agnostic then you are advised to dig a deep bunker and store all of your religious knowledge deep underground, and then only visit it once a month with one or two trusted friends.

If confronted just repeat over and over again; ‘Jesus is my saviour’. Remember that if you get excommunicated you will no longer be able to receive many of the government benefits that are now being distributed only by the church.

Wearing several cloves of garlic on a sanctified string around your neck may help. Also remember that ‘Islam is not a religion’. Nor is Buddhism (or any belief system where you might have to revisit your share portfolio). Avoid sandals (unless you really do think you are Jesus).

Tip#4: Your landlord is always right.

Whilst it might seem a bit of an imposition – if your landlord needs a greater proportion of your paypacket then it is simply best to just hand it over and then apologise for forcing them to have to ask. After all they have been working hard at pumping up property values for years and deserve to be well compensated for all their hard work.

Remember that our landlords are only acting in the best economic interests of our country. When they retire with just a bare 1.4 million dollars in superannuation and several investment properties set aside they will be saving the public purse from having to pay them a pension! Their retirement will also help the economies of many of our trading partners like the Riviera, sunny spots on the Mediterranean, and ski resorts around the globe.

Tip#5: Earning less money is good for the working class soul.

Our modern consumer society provides the morally weak working class citizen with far too many options for unbridled consumption. The employers and small businessmen in our country understand this and so are only doing us a favour when they cut our wages. Beer, cigarettes, fast cars, and electricity are simply fripperies that suck the moral fibre from the working class in our society.

So the next time you are denied a reasonable wage rise – realise that this is simply to make it easier for you to live a wholesome life free of bad habits. In fact: many in the LNP are intent on ensuring that no working class individual will ever suffer from obesity again. Or take up smoking. Or suffer from alcoholism. Or die from a fire caused by a heater.

Certainly it would be churlish (and kinda dangerous) to complain?

Tip#6: The environment is an important container for our economy.

Everyone knows that the LNP believes that our environment is important! The environment contains our economy – and without a healthy, happy, economy what would we do?

And do we really need a great barrier reef? Only heartless communist unionist greeny thugs would dare put the needs of a nebulous idea like a ‘reef’ over the economic wellbeing of our wide brown (and ever browner) land!

How many people are paid by a piece of coral? And just think about all the jobs that have been created in academia in studying the dying reef. The environmentalists should be proud of the growth in ‘dying reef’ academic studies.

You are also advised to immediately chop down all the trees in your vicinity and then pour petroleum products into any water source nearby. You can safely ignore the animals, birds, and fish: you can be sure that the government will.

Tip#7: Coal is good for humanity.

By winning the election the LNP have been proved to be entirely right about coal. So you now have to simply admit that the mining industry only exists to benefit the working class and the environment. These are obviously its principal functions. Making squillions of dollars for overseas companies and a few very rich Aussies is simply a by-product of all their good works.

This is because the carbon dioxide that is emitted by burning Aussie coal is distinctly different to the carbon dioxide that is emitted by burning nasty dirty overseas coal. Australian coal is good healthy clean patriotic coal that actually benefits the planet. So building coal mines is good for the environment.

In fact the LNP is so dedicated to the environment that they want to see the whole of our country simply covered with environmentally positive coal mines. It’s about time the so-called ‘environmentalists’ understood that all of this mining is simply being done to make the world a better place.

Tip#8: Being unemployed for Australia is your patriotic duty.

Ever since Adam Smith was knee-high to a stockbroker the moneymen in our midst have understood that a substantial number of unemployed people benefits those who run our economy. Wages are suppressed, production costs go down, and profits soar. So if you find yourself unemployed then you simply have to realise that this is for the good of our country. You are patriotically assisting in making all the more fortunate in our society economically secure. Moreover this will ensure that the economic good times will eventually trickle down to the working poor. After all – if there is lots and lots of surplus economic benefit going to the top end of town then there will be even more wealth up there to eventually trickle down!

So if you are unemployed you need to take solace in the fact that you are actually suffering to make sure your children (or perhaps your grandchildren) are so much better off than they would otherwise be.

Tip#9: Health care is overrated anyway.

The LNP realise that too much health care is simply wasted on the poor and unemployed. You are advised to just accept their logic as being irrefutably correct. It is (economically) obvious that too much health care will only extend the suffering of the undeserving poor. Whereas the obvious need for our economic and political masters to be in the best of health is obvious. They have to make a lot of important decisions on our behalf and also have to be able to survive a lot of long rigorous journeys to visit with their workers every now and again – then return to one of the nicer parts of the globe. It can be a long journey!

Tip#10: Too much education leads to unrealistic expectations.

Existential and/or political angst is something that is rarely encountered by those who understand very little and expect nothing. So it is obvious that too much education is the cause of a great deal of unwarranted suffering. Tip number 10 is therefore the most significant of all these suggestions. Since at the root of all the problems suffered by the working class is the canker of ‘knowledge’ – then it is obvious that the slow banishing of knowledge can only be of benefit to the average worker.

Soon the schools used by the poor and unemployed will be suitably equipped to provide almost no knowledge at all. And surely by now you understand that this will only benefit the poor by making them so much more ignorant, and therefore content.

So now you are a ‘new Australian’. By internalising these tips you will have embraced the great modern conservative ideology which now so benevolently rules us. You will now understand your small place in our much bigger economy. You will feel content to be a poor and insignificant part of something that is so much bigger and important than you.

And by following these ten tips for good health during an LNP reign you may even survive for some frugal months. Like Winston Smith you have now learnt how to forget. You have learnt how to embrace ignorance as a comfort and you have banished from your mind any idea that ‘society’ might exist at all. You now understand that there is only an ‘economy’ – and you have been given the privilege of helping to keep it healthy.

We truly are a lucky country. Everyone has an equal right to serve the government and the needs of our economy. Everyone has the right to agree. We really are blessed.

He gazed up at the enormous face. Forty years it had taken him to learn what kind of smile was hidden beneath the dark moustache. O cruel, needless misunderstanding! O stubborn, self-willed exile from the loving breast! Two gin-scented tears trickled down the sides of his nose. But it was all right, everything was all right, the struggle was finished. He had won the victory over himself. He loved Big Brother (George Orwell, 1984).


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  1. lawrencesroberts

    On the contrary, maintain the rage. This regime is good for progressive policies and won’t last long. Though, I did say the same thing about little Johnie Howard, I seem to recall.

  2. Clean livin

    50 yrs ago, Singapore was a third world country.
    They now have a GDP of 10% per capita, higher than Australia!
    Could some Australian politician, past or present please explain how a country without any natural resources (or water) can be ahead of Australia, per Capita, considering we have an abundance of minerals,etc that we allow others to dig from our ground?
    Considering this period is over 50years, I guess it can’t ALL be blamed on Labor!

    And not only that, they have a 1000mb/ sec Internet service.!!!

    The only thing I can think of, is that their politicians are smarter than ours, but most politicians would be, wouldn’t they?

  3. James Moylan

    damnit lawrencesroberts – do I have to label even the most tongue in cheek commentary as being satirical?

    I usually tend to rate the intelligence of the average AIM reader as being well above the need for any sort of a label – but at times I do despair.

  4. Jack Russell

    Hmmmm . . . as lovable as a taipan in a lucky dip?

  5. Miriam English

    Hopefully they’ll get tripped up at every turn and waste 3 years floundering ineptly again. With luck it will be obvious enough at the next election that they get the boot. With luck Labor may learn that cooperating with other progressives can give them government, just as conservatives cooperated to gain power.

  6. gee

    sounds a bit glum, my bet is that the Coalition eats itself.

  7. Kaye Lee

    The Turnbull government has prepared a welfare reform battle plan to achieve budget savings of more than $5 billion from as soon as September, seeking to dodge potential roadblocks in the Senate by introducing the first changes without legislation.

    Human Services Minister Alan Tudge said the government was serious about making sure welfare was targeted at people who were genuinely entitled to it.

    “A small number deliberately cheat the system and take more than they are entitled to,” he said. “These measures will not ­adversely affect any welfare recipients who are honestly complying with their … requirements.”

    I am reminded of when Labor wanted to make sure that people claiming business usage for their car were “honestly complying with their requirements”…..

    Flanked by members of the industry in Springwood outside of Brisbane, Mr Abbott told the media the Government’s tax was a “greedy grab” that will cost jobs.

    “It means far more paperwork for ordinary Australians from a government which has massively increased the paperwork burden on the people of Australia, and … it’s another tax hit on people who have suffered enough when it comes to tax increases from this government.”

    I wonder if Tony has any idea of the paperwork required to get welfare payments.

  8. lawrencewinder

    Ahh.. wonderfully dystopic article which has in it the seeds of our salvation….humour. What I sense is an actual increase in the anger directed toward the ruling rabble since their Pyrrhic victory, evident, too in the MSM as they smell blood on the wounded beast. 2016-17 may well be known as The Year of Demonstration before the Coup.

  9. Freethinker

    Kaye, the result will be more homeless people in the streets that have a no saying and only supported by charity organizations on volunteers.
    It will be good for the statistics, they will not show any were.
    I am waiting for Brandis & Co o come with the idea of a compulsory ID card with photo and finger print, then will be like in other countries when stop people in the streets.
    To support the idea they will start with a massive media campaign saying that it is for the security of the country.

  10. Hotspringer

    Winter is coming! The night is dark and full of terrors! Farewell, world…

  11. helvityni

    If we don’t do something soon about obesity, we will not all fit in this country, we have to start building bigger houses, make our footpaths wider, our cars stronger, and widen our escalators..

    To avoid our politicians of late , I have been watching all kinds of shows on the eating habits of various countries, they don’t paint a pretty picture…

    As Abbott once said, we have to let the people choose…he did not add, it’s going to cost the country. Plenty.

  12. Matters Not

    Clean livin, Singapore is a great place if you don’t like paying taxes. It’s why large companies such as Rio and BHP like to send their wealth there. Did you know that Singapore is the largest importer of our mineral wealth. Yes indeed. You only have to look at the balance sheet of these companies to see evidence of that. The trick is that not a gram of such minerals actually reaches their ports. All that is transmitted are some electronic transmissions to ‘say’ that it happened.

    In short, Singapore is a tax haven. Instead of paying tax in Australia of about 30% they pay their taxes in Singapore at the rate of somewhere between 1 and 2%. Yep it’s a great place to avoid paying taxes in Australia.

    But I have only scratched the surface of why it’s a great place. This link may help to understand why it’s a great place for Gina and why it’s not a great place if you’re a worker. Including the 35% of the ‘population’ who are ‘guest’ workers (457 equivalents).

    Make sure you don’t get sick or lose your job in Singapore, because if you do you’re on your own.

  13. Mercurial

    Let’s just hope you have a well-paying job if you live in Singapore. And are prepared to fork out big money to pay for your children’s education and your family’s healthcare.

    If you don’t, then you will likely be one of the working poor, who are mostly foreign workers anyway. Great way to run a country – I guess somebody has to do it!

  14. Kyran

    And yet the panacea being offered for our pessimistic malaise is “Everything’s Alright”.
    It seemed only fair to check the lyrics, ironically from ‘Jesus Christ – Superstar’.

    [Mary Magdalene]
    Try not to get worried
    Try not to turn on to
    Problems that upset you
    (oh) Don’t you know
    Everything’s alright
    Yes everything’s fine
    And we want you to sleep well tonight
    Let the world turn without you tonight
    If we try
    We’ll get by
    So forget all about us tonight

    [Apostles’ Women:]
    Everything’s all right
    Yes everything’s all right yes

    [Mary Magdalene:]
    Sleep and I shall soothe you
    Calm you and anoint you
    Myrrh for your hot forehead
    (oh) Then you’ll feel
    Everything’s all right
    Yes everything’s fine
    And it’s cool and the ointment’s sweet
    For the fire in your head and feet
    Close your eyes
    Close your eyes
    And relax
    Think of nothing tonight

    [Apostles’ Women:]
    Everything’s all right
    Yes everything’s all right yes

    “Australia’s Ambassador to the US, Joe Hockey, has taken time out from his busy schedule to celebrate the 80th birthday of businessman Lindsay Fox.
    Mr Hockey was snapped in the Mediterranean with mining billionaire Andrew “Twiggy” Forrest, and actress Deborra Lee-Furness.
    The former Treasurer is friends with Mr Fox’s daughter Lisa, who is based in New York.
    Mr Fox, who turns 80 in April next year, is sailing a collection of friends from Athens to Venice to celebrate. Other high-profile guests include Eddie McGuire, Jeff Kennett and Greg Norman.
    They are passengers on a luxury liner called Seabourn Odyssey, which has been chartered at a reported cost of about $200,000 per day for the seven-day cruise.”

    Woman your fine ointment
    Brand new and expensive
    Could have been saved for the poor
    Why has it been wasted?
    We could have raised maybe
    Three hundred silver pieces or more
    People who are hungry
    People who are starving
    They matter more
    Than your feet and hair

    “STEPHEN LONG: Globally, how much money are we talking about?

    GEORGE ROSVANY: The revenue? Globally, US$1 trillion.

    STEPHEN LONG: In lost tax revenue?

    GEORGE ROSVANY: In lost tax revenue and I’m a conservative man, I think the figure’s actually much much higher. In Australia, easily $50 billion per annum.”

    [Mary Magdalene:]
    Try not to get worried
    Try not to turn on to
    Problems that upset you
    (oh) Don’t you know
    Everything’s all right
    Yes everything’s fine
    And we want you to sleep well tonight
    Let the world turn without you tonight
    If we try
    We’ll get by
    So forget all about us tonight

    [Apostles’ Women:]
    Everything’s all right
    Yes everything’s all right yes

    Surely you’re not saying
    We have the resources
    To save the poor from their lot?
    There will be poor always
    Pathetically struggling
    Look at the good things you’ve got!
    While you still have me
    While you still see me
    You’ll be lost
    You’ll be so, so sorry
    When I’m gone

    “The film’s title refers to the top one percent of Americans in terms of wealth, who controlled 42.2 percent of total financial wealth in 2004.”

    [Mary Magdalene:]
    Sleep and I shall soothe you
    Calm you and anoint you
    Myrrh for your hot forehead
    (oh) then you’ll feel
    Everything’s alright
    Yes everything’s fine
    And it’s cool and the ointment’s sweet
    For the fire in your head and feet
    Close your eyes
    Close your eyes
    And relax
    Think of nothing tonight

    [Apostles’ Women & Mary Magdalene:]
    Close your eyes
    Close your eyes
    And relax
    Think of nothing tonight

    Everything’s all right
    Yes everything’s all right yes

    We once aspired to utopia. Now we are told to accept dystopia. Close your eyes and relax, everything’s alright. Thank you for the reminder, Mr Moylan. Take care

  15. Kaye Lee

    What’s the buzz?
    Tell me what’s a-happening. (Repeat 8 times)
    Why should you want to know?
    Don’t you mind about the future
    Don’t you try to think ahead
    Save tomorrow for tomorrow;
    Think about today instead.
    What’s the buzz?
    Tell me what’s happening. (Repeat many times)
    I could give you facts and figures.
    Even give you plans and forecasts.
    Even tell you where I’m going.
    When do we ride into Jerusalem? (Repeat many times)
    Why should you want to know?
    Why are you obsessed with fighting
    Times and fates you can’t defy?
    If you knew the path we’re riding,
    You’d understand it less than I.

  16. helvityni

    Thank you, James Moylan and Kyran for brightening my morning. 🙂 🙂

  17. wam

    they will get away with nothing as the aussie mandela will be watching every move and she has unfettered access to the sunrise/today audience.
    As usual, labor will get a few seconds to explain the complex answer to scott ‘s 2 minutes of slogans.

    During the holidays I quizzed the grandies who decided that $8 per hour is better than hancock’s ‘$2 a day’ daughter

    well Matters Not to the casual observer Singapore is a great place where local poverty is as invisible as the police.
    Whilst a corolla costs Aust price x5 yet the roads are crowded? A worker gets a gift of $800 for education here they get a debt up to $96000. To buy your accommodation is a gov priority.
    helvityni the easy answer to obesity is in the latest ad from burger king
    Get 5 delicious items for only $4. Includes a bacon cheeseburger, crispy chicken nuggets, small fries, small drink and a chocolate chip cookie. They will have the unemployed lining up to use their food credits to feed their kids.
    perhaps jobs and growth is their aim jobs for backpackers no tax and 457 no tax and a deduction with growth in the unemployed?
    ps the loonies will succeed repeat the loonies will succeed or diludbran will sink the ship.

  18. cornlegend

    Dan Rowden
    “Thus far, it’s all been feel-good, aspirational waft without substance. Who? How? Why? are questions in need of answers, and probably commas separating them ”

    After months of trying I’m no further advanced on getting responses to that.
    Don’t hold your breath

  19. Graeme Henchel

    The victory is pyrrhic, the farce has another chapter or two to unfold. The simple fact is they have not got a clue how to govern but with the help of Murdoch do have a clue about gaining and holding power. We need the myth that they are the better economic managers to be destroyed. This mob will do it. The danger is Hanson who has taken the issue of racism to a new overt level as the great distraction for the poor sods who are suffering from the effects of globalisation and Neo conservatives. This has been the tool of the coalition since Tampa.
    Labor must reject completely her racist anti-Muslim agenda but empathise with the underlying economic and social pressures on those who are sucked in by Hanson’s overt racism and the coalition’s dogwhistling racism.

  20. Dennis Bauer

    It must be evident now, that the Corporations have all politicians in there pockets, it’s not a joke it’s not satire, it’s just reality, but there is some sort of electronic fog to stop people seeing this.
    I have a new book by Jane Mayer, titled, Dark Money, all your superstitions finally realised, do you think one of our writers from AIMN could do an article on it?

  21. Miriam English

    Wow! Thanks for the book recommendation, Dennis. I’ve just begun Jane Mayer’s “Dark Money”. Absolutely fascinating. I’ll be passing it on to many people when I’ve finished with it. It also connects up the repugnantly racist, and rabidly insane, reds-under-the-beds, right-wing paranoia described in the recent excellent documentary “The Brainwashing of My Dad” (90cents US$ on iTunes).

  22. Miriam English

    Here is an interesting interview by Jane Mayer of Tony Schwartz, ghostwriter for Donald Trump’s biography. The article is in the latest issue of the New Yorker Magazine:

    Asked what he would title the book if he wrote it today, Tony Schwartz answers: “The Sociopath.” He is amazed at the way lying is so easy and second-nature to Trump, and he is disturbed at how little attention Trump has for anything that doesn’t aggrandise him — that he would be an incredibly dangerous president.

  23. Kaye Lee

    This is a very good article about Mayer’s Dark Money.

    One quote from Fred Koch (father of the current Kochs)….

    “The colored man looms large in the Communist plan to take over America.”

    And even more disturbing….

    In the 2016 elections, the goal of the Koch network of contributors is to spend $889m, more than twice what they spent in 2012.

  24. Michael Taylor

    The interesting thing, Kaye, is that apparently the Kochs aren’t spending a penny to help Trump. They despise him. They’re throwing their money behind Republican governors.

  25. Miriam English

    This book, Dark Money, is fascinating.

    I’m halfway through chapter 4 and the most notable thing, to my mind, is how repellent are the people responsible for the new, right-wing saturation of our culture. They’re mostly born into wealth, and are arrogant, self-serving, astonishingly unhappy, and tend to hate everybody around them, including their own family members. Many of them are also surprisingly stupid, having relied upon their wealth to buy their way through educational institutions. They all consider themselves more worthy than others and seem to feel that the non-wealthy are not worth considering. These are the very worst people to have power in our society.

    I’d often wondered why so many of them spend millions of art museums and other forms of philanthropy. It seemed so out of place considering their predatory mindset. Now I know, thanks to Ms Mayer. It is a tax dodge. The US government allowed them to receive enormous inheritances tax-free from their parents if they spent the interest on non-profit philanthropy for twenty years or so.

    Unfortunately that “philanthropy” has now become a shady tool for financing the new propaganda machine which serves to make them even more money through influencing politicians to cut their taxes and eliminate environmental and social protections when they feel they constrain their rapacious obsession for ever more money.

    I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that these people are so deeply unhappy. You’d need to have something very broken inside you to ignore the way your obsession for money and power was damaging so much around you.

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