“Good morning, Mr Howard, now before I continue I’d just like to establish that you’re a work of fiction for satirical purposes and as such I have a fair bit of leeway with what I can get you to do or say.”
“Certainly, but you’ve got nothing on George W. He could twist me into almost anything with the right amount of heat… That ‘man of steel’ comment was all about the shapes I could be bent into in order to please him.”
“Yes, but we’re more concerned with recent events. You’ve recently said that you don’t have much time for multiculturalism.”
“That’s right. I think that if someone comes here then they should be prepared to leave their old culture behind and immediately embrace Australia and its values.”
“Is that why we took so many years before we stopped singing ‘God Save The King’ and decided to have our own anthem?”
“Well, I need to pick you up on that. For most of my life it was ‘God Save The Queen’ and may I say that we were lucky to have such a fine lady as our head of state…”
“But she’s not Australian!”
“I know that. Of course she’s not Australian. I don’t understand what…”
“Back to your comments on multiculturalism. You seem to be suggesting that you feel that people don’t have a right to keep their own values and culture.”
“I don’t mind if it’s the same values and culture that we have in Australia but when you have Labor allowing the sort of people who threw their children overboard…”
“Hang on, nobody threw their children overboard! That claim was proved to be false.”
“Was it? I don’t remember any court of law that said that so the claim is entitled to the presumption of innocence.”
“That’s not how presumption of innocence works. A person is entitled to that but claims need to be proven before they…”
“Look, Peter Reith said that he had video but unfortunately he taped over it by mistake when he wanted to record an episode of The Sopranos…”
“Returning to multiculturalism, what are you actually suggesting? For example, is an ex-pat Englishman booing the Australians in an Ashes test not embracing our culture?”
“No that would be personal choice.”
“What about someone from China cheering their national team against the Socceroos?”
“Well, soccer’s a very divisive sport, but I think that if we’ve been good enough to let you in, then you should back us all the way…”
“Why the difference?”
“Ah, obviously one is a proper country that has a long history that we share, while China is communist.”
“It’s got nothing to do with your comments in the 1980s about your concern about the Asianization of Australia.”
“I don’t think that I ever used those exact words… but I did think that it was a concern that we were in danger of too many people migrating here that wouldn’t assimilate. However, I changed my mind when I discovered that many of them were likely to vote for our party.”
“So it was all about getting elected?”
“I wouldn’t put it quite like that but one does have to consider that unless one is in government one can’t do anything, so if we’re going to stop Labor from pursuing their agenda then we have to be in government.”
“Stopping Labor? But what about the Liberal Party’s own agenda?”
“Stopping Labor IS our agenda. As long as we can stop them, then we can let the market decide which industries to keep in Australia and which to send overseas.”
“On another matter, you’ve no doubt heard that Tony Abbott has told a gathering that anthropogenic global warming was ‘ahistorical and implausible’?”
“Quite right. I did say that my intuition told me that climate change wasn’t real and…
“You back your intuition over science?”
“Of course, when was the last time a scientist was made Prime Minister? Anyway I have a lot of time for Tony. He’s someone who always speaks his mind…”
“But how can you say that he speaks his mind after he lied when he said that he believed in climate change and that he never said that the science was crap.”
“It’s not really a lie if you say it because you have to. I mean he only said those things in order to get elected and you can’t really count them as lies. It’s like marriage vows… there’s certain things that you’re expected to say and if you were to say that you’d forsake all others apart from the odd staff person on a cold Canberra night… well, it just wouldn’t sit right, would it? I mean everyone knows who’s cheating on their partners but papers still run those happy family puff pieces. Not everyone has the same happy marriage that Jenny and I have…”
“You mean Janette?”
“Yes, that’s the one… Slip of the tongue. Ha ha…That can get you into a lot of trouble these days but once it was just the way things were…”
“But surely Abbott’s admission raises a whole lot of problems for Peter Dutton. I mean isn’t someone going to ask him about his commitment to climate change or whether he really meant it when he said that he was sorry for boycotting the Stolen Generation Apology?”
“Of course they won’t. I mean has anyone asked Tony how Margie feels about him spending all that time overseas without her? Has anyone asked those calling for an audit into how money is being spent on certain things if they’re concerned that it might find out that it was really poorly targeted while they were in charge? Did anyone think to ask Peter Dutton if he really thought that Albanese should go to Israel when they’ve been attacking him for his overseas trips? And nobody will point out that Abbott is admitting that he wasn’t committed to doing anything about climate change because we all knew that at the time and if the media stop pretending that they don’t know what’s really happening then people may ask them why they’re not reporting it… Look what happened when people discovered that Simon Benson knew about Morrison’s five ministries even though Scott hadn’t told the relevant ministers. People started rambling on about transparency and the like and nobody asked if Benson had told Bridget or whether he really did keep it to himself and if he told her then who else knew and if he didn’t… Sorry, I’ve forgotten the question.”
“I think we all have.”
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You crack me up Rossleigh🤣 I love your profound application of wit and sarcasm and your incisiveness. Your articles never fail to bring light relief in the current seas of doom and gloom and I always look forward to your skilful analysis of the real drivers of the ‘Australian values and way of life!’
Exposing the conceited self service of both Howard the Cringing Cow…. and Toxic RAbbott is necessary from time to time to allow the newbe thinkers access to the many flaws in COALition pollies. However, it seems to be a waste of great talent when there are too many other topics that need the torch of humour focussed upon them.
John Howard has declared he “always had trouble” with the concept of multiculturalism.
John, I have news for you, I’ve always had trouble with the concept of John Howard !
The Korean Ambassador, the Japanese Ambassador and Tone the Botty were on the beach in Sydney. The Korean Ambassador holds his finger in front of his mouth and his thumb at his left ear and says, “An young ha sei yo?” and talks away. He then puts his hand down and says, “My new mobile phone, I have a microphone in my little finger and a speaker in my thumb. The Japanese Ambassador then touches his left ear and says, “Moshi, moshi.” And starts talking away. He then says, “My new mobile phone is a microchip inserted in my lower lip and a speaker just inside my tragus.” Tone the Botty puts a finger to his bum, and starts to run towards the toilet, “Ooh, ooh! I’ve got, ah um, a policy statement, ah um, coming through, and, ah um, I haven’t got any paper.” That’s what Tone the Botty talks when he speaks his mind. Shit.
John Hucking -Foward, an old classmate of immensely low status, was always an anus running amok!! Self centered, egormancing, fixated on sparkling shit (e g, the majesty of the British Empire’s culture of murder, rape, slavery, occupation, theft, humilations, snobbery, exterminations and utter grovelling to the betters,) made the said Howard a figure of general ridicule, for he had no friend while trying to attract an audience of those who stare at freaks. Australians would be wise (HAH) to ignore this reaking turd of ignorant outbursts, this object of anti-intellectual derision, this repulsive anti-Australian bowelplop.
It’s interesting, isn’t it, when one rings into view that Jesuit trope of ‘give me the child and I’ll give you the man,’ to read of Phil Pryor’s early exposure to ‘John Hucking -Foward’ and to see what a general all-round unlikeable twit-snot the kid was, and to pause for a moment and digest that the said twit-snot was to rise to the top of the political pole in this country and was to leave a legacy of enormous and lasting socio-economic damage, rending the fabric of what had been a relatively cohesive multicultural experiment and imposing frictions into social interactions that formerly were not a thing.
To appropriate an expression voiced by another of this country’s determined wreckers, Alan Jucking-Fones, it’s a pity he wasn’t thrown at birth into a hessian bag and dumped in the ocean. We’d have all been better off if the Dulwich Hill pump proprietor had had the prescience to recognize the dangers of allowing this mewling neonate to continue its hungry demand for breath and the subsequent journey towards intellectual and social regression that he demanded as his right to existence..
“…a legacy of enormous and lasting socio-economic damage, rending the fabric of what had been a relatively cohesive multicultural experiment and imposing frictions into social interactions that formerly were not a thing.
Canguro, that’s a great summary of a pitiful career.
As Guy Rundle pointed out, we were the first post-patriotism nation, (in the sense of loving the place but taking the mickey out of sentimentalism) until Howard came along. Now look at us.
Howard is saying he always been racist. There is no other explanation for what he says. According to him, migrants should adopt our values. Can someone explain what values we have that most other countries & cultures do not? He mistakes cultures for values. We all share the same values, but, not the culture.
Florence
I think John Winston Howard is a bit past it when it comes to speaking to the media.
Remember during the referendum debate he called on the NO campaign to maintain the rage – what the hell did that even mean ?
I suspect the rage against Labor. As for values & culture, both are forever changing. The values of the fifties are nothing like the values of today. The Whitlam government made changes for the better, especially for women. We no longer label babies born out of wedlock as bastards. Women have the same value as men when it comes to pay. Those are two examples among many.
Thanks Rossleigh, superb reminder,
Howard the cringing coward. “Maintain the rage!” The pathetic little cringer couldn’t maintain anything without first referring to Janette …. Much like a scumo we know.
I well remember him pumping up nationalism – all the flag-waving neophytes accumulating at ANZAC cove, without knowing the first thing about it or understanding the realities, desecrating the site and doing the conned diggers and all others in that theatre a disservice and disrespect.
And soon to be followed by the disgraceful ‘nationalist’ Cronulla riots.
The only other things of note he achieved was pork-barreling the ‘blue rinse set’ corruptly diverting mountains of taxpayer’s money. And corruptly diverting taxpayer funds to his broke and feckless brother. And of course, criminally sending Oz soldiers off to war in Iraq. What an unconscionable corrupt low-brow turd. The rest was just the usual LNP attempts at despotism.
As for Abbott, with ref to Cool Pete’s yarn (above), Abbott, try as he might, admitted “No one is the suppository of all wisdom.” We all knew it about him then, yet obsessively, it seems he’s still trying. Maybe it’s all part of his essential brown-nose practice for the obtaining of a knighthood?
Mad as a cut snake. Always was. Both.
“That’s right. I think that if someone comes here then they should be prepared to leave their old culture behind and immediately embrace Australia and its values.”
You mean the way all those folks on the First Fleet did? Yeah, they were great at assimilating into the prevailing culture …
beauty, rossleigh, especially how the rabbott accepts the existance of climate change. I have been hoping someone of importance recognises the thoughts of deniers.
ps
Florence, not yet, when gender restrictions are rife in religion, employment opportunities, promotion and negative steriotypes abound in the minds of many men and women.
pps Cangaru,
there are 4(2 nsw, vic and sa) jesuit schools in Australia.
the rabbott his joey, the fishnet stocking and little billy(plus one of labor’s follies joe bullock) are all jesuit alumni?