A lonely Joe Hockey (image from canberratimes.com.au)
“I say to the Australian people directly, now is the time to borrow and invest,” said Joe Hockey.
Well, I went to the bank yesterday, in an attempt to do what the Treasurer said, and unfortunately the conversation went something like this:
Me – Hi, I’m here to borrow and invest.
Bank Person (who, hereafter will be refered to as BP, which may confuse some older Scouts) – Invest in what?
Me – I don’t know. Mr Hockey wasn’t all that clear on that.
BP – So let’s get a few of your details, what’s your name?
Me – Oh, do I have to give personal information. Isn’t that against privacy laws?
BP – Yes, before we lend you any money we need to…
Me – This is already harder than Joe Hockey made it sound.
(Ok, I’ll spare you the details of my name, etc. Let’s cut to next important question…)
BP – Income?
Me – Yes, that’s what I’m hoping for from my investment.
BP – What’s your current income?
Me – My super gives me about $12,000 a year. It’s the low interest rates and when Labor get in, I’ll be screwed because they want to tax people earning more than $75,000 from their super. That’s why I want to borrow and invest…
BP – You can’t borrow with that sort of income! How would you ever pay it back?
Me – Well, my wife has quite a good job. She pays more in tax than I earn.
BP – Well, we might be able to give her a loan.
Me – She doesn’t want one. She’s happy with what she earns. It’s me that needs to invest!
BP – I really don’t see how we can lend you any money, Mr Brisbane. You don’t have enough income.
Me – But I will once you lend me the money. Interest rates are so low that I need to borrow and invest. I mean that was what the Treasurer told me and he’s the man, when it comes to financial matters in this country.
BP – You don’t even know what you want to invest in!
Me – Someone told me that Brodie Grundy was great odds for the Brownlow.
BP – That’s gambling, not investment.
Me – So there is a difference then… Look, I’m happy to invest it in real estate, or shares or something like that, if it gets me the money. I could negative gear it and…
BP – You don’t have a big enough income to negative gear anything.
Now, I’ve written to the Treasurer to tell him that he needs to get the banks on board with his “borrow and invest” idea, but I suspect that the Public Service moves so slowly that I won’t get an answer any time soon. And I did suggest that maybe negative gearing could be used against future profits, so that when I’m earning a million dollars, they can take the tax out that I haven’t paid, but right about now, I’d like the tax I’ll pay then, so that I have enought money to negative gear. But again, I suspect that I won’t hear back any time soon.
So, I’ve decided to ask you all to help by clicking the ads. You don’t even have to buy anything. I’m not allowed because it breaches something or other.
And when I’ve got enough money to help the homeless…
I’ll probably be just as greedy as all the rest of the people who say, why don’t the homeless just go out and do what I did: Use other people’s money to invest and get rich!
