Jobs, Jobs, Jobs or “More Miracles For Morrison!”

In the beginning there was JobSeeker and Morrison looked out on the land and saw that a great pestilence was likely to put so many people on JobSeeker that it would look worse than the Great Depression. “Behold”, said ScoMoses, “I give you JobKeeper which will make it easier for people to go back to their jobs in September when the miracle occurs and we snap back to normal.”

And the people saw that it was good and praised their leader until some people asked what was going to happen if the miracle didn’t happen. “Trust me,” said ScoMoses, ‘have I ever been wrong before?” But before anyone could say, schoolsaresafe, Morrison the Miraculous Marketer told them: “Behold, not only do you have JobSeeker and JobKeeper, but I give you JobMaker and soon, I will add its younger brother, JobTrainer.” 

Verily, when one journalist did not play by the rules and asked if there was difference between the final two, he was taken to a place of exile and told that his premise was rejected. 

While some people are mocking this focus on jobs, it’s worth remembering that the government promised that they’d be all about jobs and growth when they first came to power back in 2013… I know that it’s confusing because we have had three Prime Ministers, three Deputy PMs, three Treasurers and the occasional Science minister jumbled in with another portfolio such as Trade or the Arts, but it is all the same government. And yes, it does seem reminiscent of people who keeps changing their name in the hope that the lawsuits won’t catch up with them, but let’s give credit where credit is due… Of course, demand cash upfront from those shops who keep putting up the “Under New Management” sign every few weeks.

What’s the difference between JobMaker and JobTrainer, you ask? Is this another example of the government re-announcing something and acting like it’s new when there’s no substantial difference and no extra funding?

Personally, I think we have to commend the government for keeping the focus on jobs when they could have so easily been distracted into worrying about the health of people. After all, the best form of welfare is a job and isn’t people’s welfare tied to their health and vice versa. When the Liberals came to power they were mocked for their three-word slogans and I understand that they’ll go into the next election with banners saying:

“MORRISON: MORE THAN SLOGANS!”

Following on from the success of the name change of NewStart to JobSeeker, which did actually acknowledge that it wasn’t a new start but a perpetual seeking of jobs, and the success of JobKeeper which was all about the Liberals attempt to hide the real unemployment figures so that they could Keep their Jobs, we’ll be heading into the next election with a bigger focus on jobs than ever before.

Word has it that the following programs are in the pipeline to be announced as we approach the next election:

• JobPeeker – This is a new form of internship where you won’t be considered unemployed, but you’ll still get benefits in return for going to a forum and watching other people work. This will be completely different from
• JobPeaker – When you are given a job on a board somewhere because you’re an ex-Liberal minister who’s way past their peak in terms of ability but not in terms of being overpaid for very little input. In some cases, you’re being paid to not give input to stories about all the government secrets. This is merely a renaming of the old Jobsfortheboys, acknowledging that Amanda Vanstone and various other non-boys are now eligible.
• JobSneaker – Where you are required to demonstrate how hard you are looking for work by proving how far you’ve walked using the wear and tear on your shoes as evidence.
• JobTasker – This is where you’ll be asked to design a job that you could do if only existed. It doesn’t matter that it doesn’t or won’t. The important thing is that you’ll be off the unemployment list because you are a JobTasker.
• JobMasker – This is not wearing a mask in public as a good role model. This is a program that will employ hundreds of thousands for one hour a week so that they don’t appear on the unemployment list.
• JobLover – Under this scheme, you’ll be required to show that even though you’ve been longterm unemployed, that you really love working and want to work by being required to demonstrate your love of volunteering for a Liberal party donor.
• JobSafe – This is similar to the CovidSafe app. ABC journalists and public servants will be required to download an app which lets the government know if they’ve been in contact with any government critics. This app will be marketed as keeping their job safe, but like the CovidSafe app, it won’t actually work.