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Jobs, Jobs, Jobs or “More Miracles For Morrison!”

In the beginning there was JobSeeker and Morrison looked out on the land and saw that a great pestilence was likely to put so many people on JobSeeker that it would look worse than the Great Depression. “Behold”, said ScoMoses, “I give you JobKeeper which will make it easier for people to go back to their jobs in September when the miracle occurs and we snap back to normal.”

And the people saw that it was good and praised their leader until some people asked what was going to happen if the miracle didn’t happen. “Trust me,” said ScoMoses, ‘have I ever been wrong before?” But before anyone could say, schoolsaresafe, Morrison the Miraculous Marketer told them: “Behold, not only do you have JobSeeker and JobKeeper, but I give you JobMaker and soon, I will add its younger brother, JobTrainer.” 

Verily, when one journalist did not play by the rules and asked if there was difference between the final two, he was taken to a place of exile and told that his premise was rejected. 

While some people are mocking this focus on jobs, it’s worth remembering that the government promised that they’d be all about jobs and growth when they first came to power back in 2013… I know that it’s confusing because we have had three Prime Ministers, three Deputy PMs, three Treasurers and the occasional Science minister jumbled in with another portfolio such as Trade or the Arts, but it is all the same government. And yes, it does seem reminiscent of people who keeps changing their name in the hope that the lawsuits won’t catch up with them, but let’s give credit where credit is due… Of course, demand cash upfront from those shops who keep putting up the “Under New Management” sign every few weeks.

What’s the difference between JobMaker and JobTrainer, you ask? Is this another example of the government re-announcing something and acting like it’s new when there’s no substantial difference and no extra funding?

Personally, I think we have to commend the government for keeping the focus on jobs when they could have so easily been distracted into worrying about the health of people. After all, the best form of welfare is a job and isn’t people’s welfare tied to their health and vice versa. When the Liberals came to power they were mocked for their three-word slogans and I understand that they’ll go into the next election with banners saying:

“MORRISON: MORE THAN SLOGANS!”

Following on from the success of the name change of NewStart to JobSeeker, which did actually acknowledge that it wasn’t a new start but a perpetual seeking of jobs, and the success of JobKeeper which was all about the Liberals attempt to hide the real unemployment figures so that they could Keep their Jobs, we’ll be heading into the next election with a bigger focus on jobs than ever before.

Word has it that the following programs are in the pipeline to be announced as we approach the next election:

  • JobPeeker – This is a new form of internship where you won’t be considered unemployed, but you’ll still get benefits in return for going to a forum and watching other people work. This will be completely different from
  • JobPeaker – When you are given a job on a board somewhere because you’re an ex-Liberal minister who’s way past their peak in terms of ability but not in terms of being overpaid for very little input. In some cases, you’re being paid to not give input to stories about all the government secrets. This is merely a renaming of the old Jobsfortheboys, acknowledging that Amanda Vanstone and various other non-boys are now eligible.
  • JobSneaker – Where you are required to demonstrate how hard you are looking for work by proving how far you’ve walked using the wear and tear on your shoes as evidence.
  • JobTasker – This is where you’ll be asked to design a job that you could do if only existed. It doesn’t matter that it doesn’t or won’t. The important thing is that you’ll be off the unemployment list because you are a JobTasker.
  • JobMasker – This is not wearing a mask in public as a good role model. This is a program that will employ hundreds of thousands for one hour a week so that they don’t appear on the unemployment list.
  • JobLover – Under this scheme, you’ll be required to show that even though you’ve been longterm unemployed, that you really love working and want to work by being required to demonstrate your love of volunteering for a Liberal party donor.
  • JobSafe – This is similar to the CovidSafe app. ABC journalists and public servants will be required to download an app which lets the government know if they’ve been in contact with any government critics. This app will be marketed as keeping their job safe, but like the CovidSafe app, it won’t actually work.

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19 comments

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  1. iggy648

    Monthly hours worked by Australians dropped by 70 million from September 2013 to March 2014. Didn’t return to Labor levels and start growing again until July 2016. ZERO hours of work growth between March 2019 and March 2020, when the economy fell off a cliff due to covid19. Large drop under Hockey, flatline under Frydenberg. Population grew by over a million in those 3 years! As much as I dislike him, thank God we had Turbull in between to counteract the damage done by Abbott and Morrison.

  2. Win Jeavons

    How about new slogans :”chuck the slogan” , ” slogans never pay” , ” real jobs NOW” , specially ” dump the sloganmakers. I observe that one of horrorson’s new categories is not ” sloganmaker” ! Surely that must be a full time job

  3. Ill fares the land

    Of course, Saint Morrison (he was King Morrison, but he has canonised himself because of his ability to conjure miracles) has overlooked the obvious, although it is the one category he will refuse to acknowledge (as he always done). That is “JobWanter”. We know it is a real category, but Saint Morrison believes that anyone who “wants” a job, I mean really, really wants a job can get one, so he thinks JobWanter is the work of the Devil, because, as every Houston-fearing Pentecostal knows, idleness is the Devil’s helper.

    There is also JobOver – this is a special programme reserved for the hundreds, probably thousands of public servants who will lose their jobs, or have already lost their jobs as a result of budget-slashing.

  4. Gangey1959

    A good read, but sorry Rossleigh.
    You misquoted our beloved dealer.
    What he said was “Trust me. I’m a pentacostal politician. Would I or have Iever even remotely led you, or anyone else, up the garden path before” but I do understand that you had to slightly edit his real words to make them fit into the context of the whole tale.

    You missed:

    “JobTaker” A position in which you publicly support someone who has a job that you would like while privately altering their employment status so that you can take their job and leave them out in the cold, and off the national statistics for at least the 6 months it takes to get through the doors of the one Centerlink office left open.

    “JobDuplicater” A position created for someone who already has an overly well paid job, but needs to be seen to be doing something in the “National Interest” and who has the necessary cayman accounts set up to receive the undisclosed obscene amounts of cash that would be far better spent doing real “Good Works”, or making Australia a World Leader in stuff that is actually worth doing.
    I mean, we need a pipe that reaches from east to west, just to prove that it can be done. How good are the smiles on the faces of the pollies and their mates as they shout down one end and stick their heads into the other?

    “Job Wonderer” The position that normal thinking Australians are currently in, trying to figure out how the bloody hell scottyfromadvertising and his sub-cretinous cronies get this sort of bullshit through Parliament in the first place, and how We can get a job in canberra to stop them. What the fuck are the independents in the Senate doing. NOTHING that scottyfromadvertising et al is in Australia’s interests, and any wheeling and dealing done in the Senate to get shit done is just smoke and mirrors. If our four independents haven’t got that through their thick heads by now, piss off and give ME a go. I NEED A JOB !!!!!

  5. Vikingduk

    I’m thinking of retraining as a missile nosecone polisher, but first, of course, I’ll need to design and market this new, innovative diploma accreditation profession. Endless spinoffs possible such as fin cleaner, head polisher (wax on/wax off), rebore calibrator, target patcher, turd polisher and, of course, bullshit cleaner upperer. And, as part of the JobTasker program, I intend to setup an empirical measurements course for the checking and measurement of sneaker wear and tear as well. Eh, is that having a go or what. My mate, Tez Tickle, reckons I’m on a winner, sez I should be in politics, sez clean up your religious affiliations, offer thoughts and prayers, learn how to clap, happily, speak like ya do after downing a bottle of bundy, practise barreling pork, corrupt what morals ya got left, mate, he sez, maaaate, born again liberal no wuckers.

  6. Regional Elder

    Rossleigh,

    What a bonanza of new terms, a veritable smorgasbord of neologisms, so befitting of our bold and intrepid leader, ScoMoses. ‘ JobPeaker’ is an absolute gem, and so emblematic of the Liberal Party.

    I do hope you receive some recognition for your fine work by the same ScoMoses, our marketing man extraordinaire who also gave us such memorable sayings in his mystical considerations about the promised land he proports to lead us all towards.

    These include phrases such as ‘ Where the bloody hell are you’ ( for poor lost souls) and ‘How good is that ! (some sort of visionary thing I suspect ) ‘ and, ‘l am ambitious for my leader ‘ ( A statement of job envy , sorry job empathy )

    Job well done !

  7. Rossleigh

    Yes, I’m waiting to be headhunted before I reveal “JobWhisperer” where Consultants with no provable links to Coalition ministers are paid large amounts of money to encourage the work-shy to keep applying for jobs in the hope that they’ll get a job and within a few years they can be subject to a Robodebt recovery because they income averaging leaves them unable to prove they don’t owe money…

    Whoops, shouldn’t have given the JobWhisperer name away…

  8. Jack Cade

    Next will be ‘job diviner’, hordes of people walking around holding bent coat hangers looking for a twitch.

  9. Jack Cade

    Viking duk

    I thought a turd polisher was a joke job until
    I noticed Peter Duttons head had an unnatural sheen.

  10. RomeoCharlie29

    To Whom It May Concern. I would like to apply for a position as a Job Disappearer. This would allow me to join the ranks of the heads of banks, universities, media companies and all the other corporate leaders who make the decisions to sack employees while retaining their own salaries/bonuses. Of course I understand such positions are in high demand because of the immunity they provide against Job Loser, and I also appreciate that there are probably around six million unemployed, or more if you take into account the farcical ABS concept of one hour’s work a week being “employed”, and thus competition would be keen. In offering myself for appointment to this noble group, I point to the fact that I have never actually employed anyone, and therefore have never had to sack anyone… ah shit, I realise that probably disqualifies me from ever being considered, and I can’t even claim to have any of the qualifications needed for an appointment to a sinecure, like being a failed LNP politician, or iron ore miner.

  11. New England Cocky

    @Win Jeavons: Or, how about Jobsacker to include all those politicians receiving the same salary packages and Parliamentary Allowances entitlements that they received before the COVID-19 pandemic struck?? Oh, silly me …. that would be the whole Federal Parliament at least …

    @Jack Cade: Naughty Jack ….. but too accurate!!

    @RomeoCharlie29: “‘ I point to the fact that I have never actually employed anyone””. This is obviously the best qualification you have to be gifted the pre-selection to a safe Liarbral seat in a metro city or better still, a safer seat in regional Australia where who you know is far more important than what you know.

  12. RomeoCharlie29 Charlie29

    NEC, but how could I live with myself were I to be successful in such an enterprise? Unless of course, you regard it as a sort of “inside the tent” proposition.

  13. pierre wilkinson

    how about just allowing us all to job that fat smirking bastard right in his smug arrogant face…
    some of us would even pay for the privilege
    still, I suppose a reduction from three word slogans to two word slogans is heading in the right direction
    a bit like Garp
    can we eventually hope that the slogans are soon reduced to a single letter?

  14. Geoff Andrews

    “Jobreeker” – anyone happy to do the shit jobs
    “Jobfreaker” – only available to anyone on the NDIS
    “Jobweeker” – anyone in the gig economy
    “Jobcreaker” – for those over 80 who have been drawing the age pension too long

    (Exit stage right to boos and flying vegetables)

  15. Jack Cade

    Geoff Andrews

    You exited just in time…

  16. Roswell

    Just brilliant, Rossleigh.

    Just. 😜

  17. JudithW

    JobBeseecher for those who are prepared to join in praying for a solution.

  18. andy56

    I seem to have started a trend, lol. What about the forthcoming Bob job and Bet job. You know, when we runout of job whatever, we will need whatever Job.

  19. Rossleigh

    In Harry Potter, you have a game called Quidditch which has Seekers, Keepers and Bludgers. I just noticed that Morrison is simply adding Job in front of the word to make his announcements!

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