Earlier todayI was feeling sorry for myself because it was wet and raining and the car was in the street and I wanted to go out but I’d get wet because I don’t have an umbrella. But then I dipped my toe into the media offerings from the ABC and I suddenly grew some perspective and realised there are people worse off than I am. Did anyone else notice this today?

“In her interview with Australian Story, Mrs Rinehart said her work to save and build the company after her father’s death ‘increased the value of what’s in the trust’ and that some of her children did not appreciate the effort she made.”

The ABC

But while Gina Rinehart is only unappreciated by her children, poor Tony is unappreciated by everyone:

“This Government doesn’t get enough credit, Australia doesn’t get enough credit for the emissions reduction work that we’ve already done.”

Apparently, some countries have set “airy-fairy targets” but we actually achieve the targets we set. Like Kyoto. We set a target that increased emissions, but then the Liberals refused to sign because… Um, why did they refuse to sign again?

Oh, that’s right. We don’t like other countries telling us what to do. We’re sick of being pushed around by the UN. Why don’t they go to some country where people are detained without trial for no good reason? Not Australia where we only lock people up for good reasons. Like in the Northern Territory where they now have “paperless” arrests which enables the police to take people into custody if they’ve believe the person has committed an offence. They can also take people into custody if they believe a person is about to commit an offence. So, potentially they can arrest someone for public drunkenness if they walk into a pub, which saves everyone a lot of time, so nobody could say that was locking someone for no good reason.

Where was I? Oh yeah, we’re sick of the UN telling us what to do. We want to be told what to do by Asia. Because it’s the Asian Century after all, and if they say no gay marriage, it’s no gay marriage, because otherwise, the Vietnamese may refuse to hit our cattle over the head with sledge hammers.

Anyway, when we set a target we meet it. and this government has certainly done a lot to reduce our emissions. For example, car manufacturing used lots and lots of electricity and electricity is made by burning coal, yet very few people are giving them credit for the fact that we won’t have an automobile industry industry by 2020.

And as Joke Hockey put it: “Poor people don’t drive and white men don’t jump, unless Rupert tells them to and then it’s, ‘How High, Mr Murdoch?'”

Actually, if there are any Treasurers reading this, you’ll notice that I said JOKE Hockey and if you want to claim that’s you, my lawyer assures me that not only is he a lawyer, but I have a very good defence and would I pass him the bottle.

Joe Hockey – on the other hand – simply said: “Poor people don’t have cars” or something like that. So we have to give the Abbott government credit for creating so many more poor people, further reducing our emissions.

So, I don’t see why everyone’s being so hard on Abbott. Apart from anything else, it’s not like climate change is all that important when we consider some of the other problems facing the country. For instance, somebody sent me information about Al-Gebra infiltrating our schools, and suggesting that life is full of unknown quantities. One of them, refered to by my informant as X, I don’t know why, suggested to students that they’d find the answer if they looked in the “book”. Personally, I think Australia has its own values, and I very much doubt if X has any value at all. I expressed this to my son and he just mumbled, “X has zero value – wow, you’re right! How did you know that without looking?”

I just explained that – like Tony Abbott – I just know what’s right without needing to examine the evidence. We have our own values and we don’t need science talking about relativity because that’s the sort of thing that leads people astray.

So may God bless Tony and Gina and help people to appreciate them more and to realise that everything they do, they do because it’s right and correct and proper and Tony just got fourteen billion dollars of savings through the Parliament and that sort of savings may bring Australia to such a screaming halt that half the country will be out of work and not drivng anywhere apart from Centrelink.

Aw shit, my lawyer finished the wine while I was writing this and we don’t have any more…

Oh wait, in today’s Australia, we can always find a red under the bed if we run out of everything else…