Someone has sent me a copy of Scott Morrison’s election launch speech. Like most of what he says, I can’t vouch for its authenticity:
“Good evening and how good is it to be in election mode?
“This election is all about you. It’s not about integrity commissions or the climate or Covid or any of those things that Labor want to distract you with. That’s the thing about Labor – they don’t have an agenda so all they want to do is attack the man. They want to talk about my record and let me tell you I have saved 25 million Australian lives thanks to my great management but this election is not about that. It’s about making sure that it’s not a win for that nasty, little man who’s lost weight and knows nothing about economics and nobody knows and is in charge of a party that’s full of people that say nasty things all the time because that’s all they know. All they do is attack because they don’t have a vision. We have a vision on this side of politics… in my case, it was a vision of an eagle but that’s not the sort of thing that ever happens to those divorced heathens on the other side who’ve failed to bring the budget back to surplus which we have a plan to do sometime after hitting net zero.
”Labor want to talk about us, so that people overlook the fact that it was thanks to them that there is no integrity commission. I made a promise to introduce one at the last election and I told Labor of my plans and they prevented it by putting up such ridiculous objections as the idea that people should know when politicians are being investigated for corruption and that the commission should have the power to investigate people without their consent. This sort of kangaroo court is not on. We already have plenty of ways to investigate wrongdoing, including those very friendly Australian Federal Police officers and Phil Gaetjens.
”We know that there are cost of living pressures on families because Jen and the girls and I are one. That’s why we’re giving $250 to people on welfare and $450 to lower-income earners as a one-off payment. That should tide you over till the next election. Of course, that’s not all the support we’re giving to families. If you have a go, you get a go and those who are having the sort of go where they earn more than $120,000 a year, we’ll be giving them thousands in tax cuts, because it’s only fair that, as the Bible says, ‘Those that have shall be given more.’
”As for climate change, we are definitely against it. We will support any action to reduce the impact of climate change as long as it doesn’t cost any money or lead to any changes in the behaviours of the Australian people. We have a commitment to achieve net-zero 2050 by waiting until after the next few years and using whatever technologies anyone comes up with but until then, it would be the sort of reckless to even mention the words, climate action. This would leave Labor and The Greens and those independents… who are really Labor in disguise because they keep arguing for things like climate action and integrity…this would leave room for them to bring up the idea that people should be taxed for simply burning coal and cutting down trees which are part of God’s plan which is why he gave us factories and axes.
“We have a plan to keep energy prices low by ensuring that we keep using reliable coal-fired power as long as possible because it’s much more reliable than the sun or wind. You all probably remember how unreliable the sun and wind are when the coal-fired power stations go offline because they need repairing, which happens all too frequently because people haven’t been building new ones. If were are re-elected we plan to demonstrate our commitment to recycling by recycling our policy of investigating the viability of building a new coal-fired power station in one of those Queensland seats that may be grateful for our support.
“Economic management is important and it’s too important to risk on a party who, when they were last in government, caused the Global Financial Crisis and racked up so much debt that it was a budget emergency. In government, we have managed to slow the rate of debt increase so that by 2072, we will begin to return to a surplus. Sound economic management is what we do, so whatever we do must be sound economic management even if it doesn’t seem like it at the time. Labor, on the other hand, don’t have a plan and all they do is talk about us, because they’re the Bill you can’t afford and even though there’s no longer a Bill as leader, they are still a Bill because I can’t think of anything to make a pun about when it comes to Anthony. If Labor had any plan for the future they’d be talking about it and not things like what the government has done over the past few years which isn’t really worth talking about because it’s the future that counts.
”Think of this election like a visit to the dentist: you may be anticipating it’ll be pretty painful and you can’t wait till it’s over with, but you certainly want to know that you’re dentist is competent and you don’t worry about whether he’s popular or not. I’d like you to consider me as you would your dentist, prepared to do what’s necessary even if it hurts but I’ll make sure that you’re pretty numb first.
“Finally you all need to remember that we’re the party who leads on Defence. We will spend more on our Defence forces, strengthening our capabilities and building our numbers. Labor are weak on Defence and if you elect them, there’s a very good chance that we won’t go to war with China.
“So that’s it from me. Consider your vote carefully and just let me thank Jen and the girls for being here and if the camera could just swing as they make their way onto the stage after a closeup of my wedding ring, that would be a great way to finish.”
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