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Incredible Leaked Copy Of Scott Morrison’s Election Campaign Speech!

Someone has sent me a copy of Scott Morrison’s election launch speech. Like most of what he says, I can’t vouch for its authenticity:

“Good evening and how good is it to be in election mode?

“This election is all about you. It’s not about integrity commissions or the climate or Covid or any of those things that Labor want to distract you with. That’s the thing about Labor – they don’t have an agenda so all they want to do is attack the man. They want to talk about my record and let me tell you I have saved 25 million Australian lives thanks to my great management but this election is not about that. It’s about making sure that it’s not a win for that nasty, little man who’s lost weight and knows nothing about economics and nobody knows and is in charge of a party that’s full of people that say nasty things all the time because that’s all they know. All they do is attack because they don’t have a vision. We have a vision on this side of politics… in my case, it was a vision of an eagle but that’s not the sort of thing that ever happens to those divorced heathens on the other side who’ve failed to bring the budget back to surplus which we have a plan to do sometime after hitting net zero.

”Labor want to talk about us, so that people overlook the fact that it was thanks to them that there is no integrity commission. I made a promise to introduce one at the last election and I told Labor of my plans and they prevented it by putting up such ridiculous objections as the idea that people should know when politicians are being investigated for corruption and that the commission should have the power to investigate people without their consent. This sort of kangaroo court is not on. We already have plenty of ways to investigate wrongdoing, including those very friendly Australian Federal Police officers and Phil Gaetjens.

”We know that there are cost of living pressures on families because Jen and the girls and I are one. That’s why we’re giving $250 to people on welfare and $450 to lower-income earners as a one-off payment. That should tide you over till the next election. Of course, that’s not all the support we’re giving to families. If you have a go, you get a go and those who are having the sort of go where they earn more than $120,000 a year, we’ll be giving them thousands in tax cuts, because it’s only fair that, as the Bible says, ‘Those that have shall be given more.’

”As for climate change, we are definitely against it. We will support any action to reduce the impact of climate change as long as it doesn’t cost any money or lead to any changes in the behaviours of the Australian people. We have a commitment to achieve net-zero 2050 by waiting until after the next few years and using whatever technologies anyone comes up with but until then, it would be the sort of reckless to even mention the words, climate action. This would leave Labor and The Greens and those independents… who are really Labor in disguise because they keep arguing for things like climate action and integrity…this would leave room for them to bring up the idea that people should be taxed for simply burning coal and cutting down trees which are part of God’s plan which is why he gave us factories and axes.

“We have a plan to keep energy prices low by ensuring that we keep using reliable coal-fired power as long as possible because it’s much more reliable than the sun or wind. You all probably remember how unreliable the sun and wind are when the coal-fired power stations go offline because they need repairing, which happens all too frequently because people haven’t been building new ones. If were are re-elected we plan to demonstrate our commitment to recycling by recycling our policy of investigating the viability of building a new coal-fired power station in one of those Queensland seats that may be grateful for our support.

“Economic management is important and it’s too important to risk on a party who, when they were last in government, caused the Global Financial Crisis and racked up so much debt that it was a budget emergency. In government, we have managed to slow the rate of debt increase so that by 2072, we will begin to return to a surplus. Sound economic management is what we do, so whatever we do must be sound economic management even if it doesn’t seem like it at the time. Labor, on the other hand, don’t have a plan and all they do is talk about us, because they’re the Bill you can’t afford and even though there’s no longer a Bill as leader, they are still a Bill because I can’t think of anything to make a pun about when it comes to Anthony. If Labor had any plan for the future they’d be talking about it and not things like what the government has done over the past few years which isn’t really worth talking about because it’s the future that counts.

”Think of this election like a visit to the dentist: you may be anticipating it’ll be pretty painful and you can’t wait till it’s over with, but you certainly want to know that you’re dentist is competent and you don’t worry about whether he’s popular or not. I’d like you to consider me as you would your dentist, prepared to do what’s necessary even if it hurts but I’ll make sure that you’re pretty numb first.

“Finally you all need to remember that we’re the party who leads on Defence. We will spend more on our Defence forces, strengthening our capabilities and building our numbers. Labor are weak on Defence and if you elect them, there’s a very good chance that we won’t go to war with China.

“So that’s it from me. Consider your vote carefully and just let me thank Jen and the girls for being here and if the camera could just swing as they make their way onto the stage after a closeup of my wedding ring, that would be a great way to finish.”


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  1. Regional Elder

    Very nice indeed Rossleigh. Superbly written.
    You have really got inside FauxMo’s self-serving rhetoric and his expansive, sanctimonious and truth-denying bullshit in this post.

  2. New England Cocky

    Aw Rossleigh … I guess you are waiting for ASIO to come calling with the AFP in tow to discover how you obtained such an important political document. Did it turn up in a brown paper bag because the courier got it confused with a payment from a multinational executive?

    And spare a thought for the poor voters of New England where even the Prim Monster has described Beetrooter as ”a divorced heathen” unfit to hold public office because of his adulterous, alcoholic, misogynist attitudes and life practices.

  3. pierre wilkinson

    he is the first dentist that I have heard of who wears rubber gloves and wants you to turn around and touch your toes

  4. wam

    sorry, Rossleigh, the footie is as tragic as your post which will not be his campaign effort but scummo’s victorious words, on his second miraculous win.
    The re-endorsement of his government, by god and the Australian people, will be followed by his mandate of 2019 more of the play by the ear and do whatever comes to mind. There will be no need to change his selective spending (from the 2013, balance of power, bi-partisan vote, by the extremists, donating a blank cheque to the rabbott, the copperman and scummo.
    Plus a mandate, under scummo’s understanding of ‘bi-partisan’ for labor to ratify his ICAC.
    NEC has the answer over half the voters think barnaby is the king. If that is repeated labor is out.
    against the crows 17 %@&^& ports stood still and forced boak to hand the ball to the crows. Today Amon out side the 50m and 17*_+^^^$& dumb ports stood still forcing him to give the ball to carlton.
    We are 0/5 when any brains in the coach we could be 3/2. He has to go.
    Has anyone asked their rabbottian friends and relatives about extremists?

  5. Kerri

    I believe Scottyfrommarketing’s latest rhyme is
    “It won’t be easy, under Albanese”
    That’s a real knee slapper right there! 🙄

  6. Gangey1959

    I assume from the picture at the top of your article that the pm has a new copy-writer, who is being led by scotyfrombullshitandbluster himself into it’s new manger, sorry I meant office.

  7. Florence nee Fedup

    Look more impressive if they gave him a bull, not a young heifer. By the way, he has no idea how to lead.

    Albanese was more impressive at Bluesfest & today’s presser.

    It ain’t be going to be easy under any PM; to think otherwise is naive. We must put in someone that cares, who will build the economy for the people, not corporations & the wealthy. One similar to what we had during the GFC, in which Morrison is working hard to create the perception was nothing.

  8. Mr Bronte ALLAN

    What a great & plausibly “true” account of what Slomo’s speech is! Well done, as usual Rossleigh!

  9. Josephus

    The satire is fearfully close to the truth. Unable to laugh. Satire is no comedy. It is meant to open our eyes, as Swift and Voltaire did long ago, not to speak of Juvenal. The PM is immoral and amoral, hypocritical believer in some god or other.
    As for the eagle bearer of godly news, I have seen a few, even echidnas and wombats. What was god telling me then?
    The man is certifiable as well as dishonest and selfish.
    Never forget that in the middle of horrific fires the creature took his uncouth looking girls off to Hawaii. Remind everyone again and again that he even denied it . That he did pub crawling and wasting time looking at records for his criminal ancestor while being on official business. That he forgets his pro Chinese speeches while approving the purchase of USA military hardware and more US personnel at PineGap. How good is it that the government here locked up refugees in mouldy hotels for longer than any of us covid sick locked up for a week only.

    To demolish and lie about a local Lebanese man better educated than the failed marketing guy who tricks his way in by lying about the former’s religion is disgusting and criminal. To stop locals from choosing their own electoral candidates is tyrannical. Further, what distinguishes Australian police and soldiers intervening to stop citizens demonstrating against their government in Samoa, and the Chinese promising the same? France has military bases in its overseas territories, so why not the Chinese? One imperialism or another… all right, the French won’t launch missiles at us. However for locals protesting against those in power in New Caledonia, French Polynesia or Samoa, what is the difference in the end?

  10. Canguro

    I know your questions are rhetorical, Josephus, and not literal, but let’s remind ourselves:

    The PM did speak up the relationship with the Chinese in 2019, but then along came Covid, along with an opportunity to profit from the fear and suspicion and also to appear to be proactive with the American establishment whilst his mate Trump still occupied the presidency, thus his opportunistic championing of an international enquiry into Covid’s origin, along with a prejudgemental certitude that China was ‘at fault’, the latter attitude clearly pissing China off mightily and leading to the present dismal state of poor relations along with China’s foray into having a regional presence, notwithstanding Australia’s dropping of the Pacific nations’ relations ball under the last decade of LNP government and the PRC picking up the slack as the circumstances favoured.

    and re. the French, their hands aren’t entirely clean; I’m reminded of the sinking of the Greenpeace ship the Rainbow Warrior in Auckland in mid-1985. And of their 132 year colonisation of Algeria and the bloody and brutal final eight years prior to independence, characterised by atrocities and war crimes.

    As it ever was, the white skinned humans thrive on fear and loathing of anyone tainted by a different hue.

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