Interviewer – So how would you rate the Budget?
Lorry Crouton – Well, as an economic document, I give it about two out of ten, because it fials to address any of the economic problems that Australia is facing…
Interviewer – That’s a bit harsh!
Lorry Crouton – Actually, it’s a bit generous, but if we really got stuck into the Liberal’s economic credentials we’d never be invited onto any of the commerical channels and given that the ABC won’t be able to pay their commentators any more than petrol money, I thought that I better pump up the Government’s tyres as much as I can.
Interviewer – So two out of ten that’s a failure then by any standards?
Lorry Crouton – Not really, because as a political document, I give it eleven out of ten.
Interviewer – Eleven out of ten? That doesn’t add up!
Lorry Crouton – Well, neither does the Budget. But it works on the assumption that every voter is a moron only out for self interest.
Interviewer – But surely that’s a bit risky?
Lorry Crouton – It’s worked for them so far.
Interviewer – Ok, so let’s look at where it’s expected to win them votes. Let’s take, the Paid Parental Leave scheme.
Lorry Crouton – Yes, Mr Abbott went to the last election promising the gold standard PPL which would be giving all mothers a handout of up to $75,000, but then after careful consideration, he decided that it was too expensive, and not only that, we needed to make women more women ineligible for the one that already existed.
Interviewer – But surely that’s a broken promise, and the voters will punish him for it.
Lorry Crouton – Yes, but changing one’s mind and improving the policy can be justified politically.
Interviewer – In what way is this policy an improvement?
Lorry Crouton – Well, it stops the “double-dipping” that people like a couple of Liberal minister’s wives indulged in.
Interviewer – But who’ll be pleased by this, I mean, whether it’s right or wrong, who would change their vote and think, well done, not only have you backed down on your ridiculously expensive PPL policy, but you’ve actually cut money to some of the women having a baby?
Lorry Crouton – Well, surely it’d appeal to the people not having a baby, because now the Government can afford to link pension earnings to average earnings rather than movements in the success of the Greek austerity program.
Interviewer – About that, do you think that pensioners will be happy?
Lorry Crouton – Maybe not, but small business owners will because they can pay less tax by writng off all sorts of things in one year rather than having to stretch it out over five years.
Interviewer – What’s that got to do with pensioners?
Lorry Crouton – Well, the Government’s position is that – once small business owners spend more than they earn – then bracket creep will push all people, even those on work for the dole, into the top tax bracket. And with the increased revenue, the Government will be able to buy their way to elections until 2050 when they can show a graph of how their debt position, while twice as high as the projected debt position if Labor had stayed in power and made no changes whatsoever, we can assure you that it’s lower than if Labor had ever been elected to govenment because Labor can’t manage money because nobody in the Labor Party ever completed university because nobody on the Left side of politics can afford it!
Interviewer – Does any of this trouble you?
Lorry Crouton – Look, I’m not here to tell you what to think. I’m just here to analyse what excellent job the Coalition are doing at selling their message.
Interviewer – But the fact that most of the assumptions in the Budget are about as believable as backing Leighton Hewitt to change his mind about retirement and winning the Australian Open, doesn’t that trouble you?
Lorry Crouton – Well, I have no problem with Hewitt winning the Australian Open. I mean, he only he has to turn up and win the last point of every match, and he’s more than capable of winning a point, so the idea that Australia can achieve an increase in the growth rate while the mining boom is winding down isn’t impossible.
Interviewer – But eleven out of ten as a political document ? I mean eleven out of ten is impossible.
Lorry Crouton – Gee, I’m amazed that you find that the troubling bit. I thought I’d be asked the hard questions about the two out of ten as an economic document, given they’ve increased the debt, the deficit and the unemployment rate.
Interviewer – Thank you. You’ve made everything very clear.
Lorry Crouton – Have I? Sorry that wasn’t my intention. Can we start over? I still want my weekly gig on Sky News!
