After rejecting a Royal Commission for years, the current PM announced one last week. While many are calling this a backflip, the Liberals themselves are preferring to call it facing reality, which many commentators see as even bigger departure from the government’s previous position. But, Mr Turnbull himself told us: “Government policy remains the same until it is changed”, and they’ve been very consistent on not changing policy until they do, right from the moment that Abbott took over from Turnbull right up until Turnbull took over from Abbott and beyond. Here to explain exactly what’s taken place is Liberal spokesperson, Con Torshonist.
“Good morning, Mr Torshonist.”
“Call me ‘Con’, please.”
“All right, good mean, Conplease.”
“No, just ‘Con’.”
“Right, Anyway, there was a big shift in the government position on the banks during the week.”
“Not really. When it became clear that there was going to be a Royal Commission, the big four banks got together and spoke to Scott Morrison who told them that he couldn’t possibly remember all that they were telling him, so could they please write him a letter asking for a Royal Commission.”
“Yes, but isn’t this a departure from your previous position?”
“No, we’ve pretty much being doing what the banks asked us from the start.”
“So you’re telling me that you just do what the banks want?”
“Not at all. I’m just saying that the big banks could see the writing on the wall and they figured it was better if the big boys set up the inquiry because we didn’t want those rank socialists setting up one which might actually discover something.”
“The big boys?”
“Sorry, that sounds a bit sexist. I meant to say the adults, because that doesn’t exclude minority groups like women.”
“But women aren’t a minority group!”
“They are in any Federal Cabinet1”
“Anyway, you’re telling me that this isn’t going to discover anything because you’re going to nobble the Royal Commission?”
“No, not at all. A Royal Commission is completely independent once we give it the terms of reference. Commissioner Dyson Heydon will be able to investigate what he likes.”
“Dyson Heydon?”
“Well, he’s the logical choice, isn’t he? He did such a great job last time…”
“But wouldn’t that be seen as a biased appointment?”
“Last time, he investigated himself for perceptions of bias and he gave himself a complete clean sheet.”
“So, the person heading the Royal Commission will be Justice Heydon?”
“Well, he hasn’t been asked yet. And he may possibly be too busy with his public speaking engagements, but I can’t think of anyone more qualified for the job. Although Malcolm Roberts may be a good second choice…”
“Doesn’t the head of a Royal Commission need some sort of legal qualifications?”
“Yes but Malcom Roberts believes that he has legal qualifications, so that should be fine.”
“As to the terms of reference, what exactly will the Royal Commission be looking at?”
“Banks.”
“Yes, but what aspect of banks? Corruption, misleading customers, the insurance arm, poor governance?”
“Well, we’ll probably start with why the industry Super Funds are outperforming the banks and what can be done about this?”
“So you’ll be trying to help banks to match the industry funds?”
“Of course not. That would be socialism. No, it’ll be looking at ways to ensure the banks have representatives on the industry fund boards, so they can run them into the ground.”
“How is that a good thing?”
“Well, it push up banks shares and most Australians have banks shares in their super fund, so it’ll be good for everyone.”
“On another matter, what about the leadership? Is Malcolm Turnbull in trouble?”
“No, no, no. He has the full support of everyone in the Liberal Party.”
“What about Tony Abbott?”
“Tony Abbott has the full support of everyone in the Liberal Party too.”
“I meant Tony Abbott doesn’t seem to be supporting him.”
“What makes you say that?”
“He contradicts just about everything that Malcolm says.”
“Well, Tony is… Tony. And he’s a character, isn’t he? I mean, you know… But he’s right behind Malcolm when it counts.”
“You mean when the time comes to stab in the back?”
“What?”
“Never mind. I notice you said that he has the support of everyone in the Liberal Party. Did you leave out the Nationals because the NSW Deputy Premier, John Barilaro told him to resign?”
“No, look as Mr Turnbull said Barilaro was just trying to ingratiate himself to Alan Jones and if he really wanted him to resign, he’d have rung him and told him over the phone.”
“And Mr Turnbull would have done that just because Barilaro told him to?”
“I don’t see why not. I mean, he does everything else he’s told to do.”
“Thanks, Con.”
“A pleasure”
