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Banks! You’re Welcome, Says Malcolm!

After rejecting a Royal Commission for years, the current PM announced one last week. While many are calling this a backflip, the Liberals themselves are preferring to call it facing reality, which many commentators see as even bigger departure from the government’s previous position. But, Mr Turnbull himself told us: “Government policy remains the same until it is changed”, and they’ve been very consistent on not changing policy until they do, right from the moment that Abbott took over from Turnbull right up until Turnbull took over from Abbott and beyond. Here to explain exactly what’s taken place is Liberal spokesperson, Con Torshonist.

“Good morning, Mr Torshonist.”

“Call me ‘Con’, please.”

“All right, good mean, Conplease.”

“No, just ‘Con’.”

“Right, Anyway, there was a big shift in the government position on the banks during the week.”

“Not really. When it became clear that there was going to be a Royal Commission, the big four banks got together and spoke to Scott Morrison who told them that he couldn’t possibly remember all that they were telling him, so could they please write him a letter asking for a Royal Commission.”

“Yes, but isn’t this a departure from your previous position?”

“No, we’ve pretty much being doing what the banks asked us from the start.”

“So you’re telling me that you just do what the banks want?”

“Not at all. I’m just saying that the big banks could see the writing on the wall and they figured it was better if the big boys set up the inquiry because we didn’t want those rank socialists setting up one which might actually discover something.”

“The big boys?”

“Sorry, that sounds a bit sexist. I meant to say the adults, because that doesn’t exclude minority groups like women.”

“But women aren’t a minority group!”

“They are in any Federal Cabinet1”

“Anyway, you’re telling me that this isn’t going to discover anything because you’re going to nobble the Royal Commission?”

“No, not at all. A Royal Commission is completely independent once we give it the terms of reference. Commissioner Dyson Heydon will be able to investigate what he likes.”

“Dyson Heydon?”

“Well, he’s the logical choice, isn’t he? He did such a great job last time…”

“But wouldn’t that be seen as a biased appointment?”

“Last time, he investigated himself for perceptions of bias and he gave himself a complete clean sheet.”

“So, the person heading the Royal Commission will be Justice Heydon?”

“Well, he hasn’t been asked yet. And he may possibly be too busy with his public speaking engagements, but I can’t think of anyone more qualified for the job. Although Malcolm Roberts may be a good second choice…”

“Doesn’t the head of a Royal Commission need some sort of legal qualifications?”

“Yes but Malcom Roberts believes that he has legal qualifications, so that should be fine.”

“As to the terms of reference, what exactly will the Royal Commission be looking at?”


“Yes, but what aspect of banks? Corruption, misleading customers, the insurance arm, poor governance?”

“Well, we’ll probably start with why the industry Super Funds are outperforming the banks and what can be done about this?”

“So you’ll be trying to help banks to match the industry funds?”

“Of course not. That would be socialism. No, it’ll be looking at ways to ensure the banks have representatives on the industry fund boards, so they can run them into the ground.”

“How is that a good thing?”

“Well, it push up banks shares and most Australians have banks shares in their super fund, so it’ll be good for everyone.”

“On another matter, what about the leadership? Is Malcolm Turnbull in trouble?”

“No, no, no. He has the full support of everyone in the Liberal Party.”

“What about Tony Abbott?”

“Tony Abbott has the full support of everyone in the Liberal Party too.”

“I meant Tony Abbott doesn’t seem to be supporting him.”

“What makes you say that?”

“He contradicts just about everything that Malcolm says.”

“Well, Tony is… Tony. And he’s a character, isn’t he? I mean, you know… But he’s right behind Malcolm when it counts.”

“You mean when the time comes to stab in the back?”


“Never mind. I notice you said that he has the support of everyone in the Liberal Party. Did you leave out the Nationals because the NSW Deputy Premier, John Barilaro told him to resign?”

“No, look as Mr Turnbull said Barilaro was just trying to ingratiate himself to Alan Jones and if he really wanted him to resign, he’d have rung him and told him over the phone.”

“And Mr Turnbull would have done that just because Barilaro told him to?”

“I don’t see why not. I mean, he does everything else he’s told to do.”

“Thanks, Con.”

“A pleasure”


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  1. Terry2

    Peter Dutton – never one to focus on his day job – has welcomed the Royal Commission which he sees as being an enquiry into union ties with industry superannuation funds.

    Dutton needs to be careful what he wishes for as we know that non-profit industry funds consistently out perform bank operated super funds. The reason for this is, and one that nobody on the conservative side wants to acknowledge, is that banks’ fees and charges are excessive and are detrimental to the interests of their customers.

    Secondly, the more fundamental question that needs to be asked is : if industry funds can operate successfully of a non-profit basis, is it appropriate that bank run funds should have their profits as their priority ?

  2. Rob

    Increasingly desperate acts from the Neo con liberal party. Seeking to curry favour, any favour with the disillusioned electorate. I haven’t has chance to check.. yet, But, the informal vote since the rabid chest beating vapid right came to office, has it varied? The IPA don;t want compulsory voting btw. Perhaps Mr Green of the ABC should analyse? once barnaby and alexander have done their thing. Ahh peter dutton the crime fighting hardened 9yr QPS veteran, now in his own dreamworld homeland security – Australian style The tv show, book (of the same name) and souvenir drink bottle out soon. Missed out on his QPM & LSGC, but will no doubt change the rules to award them to his-self retrospectively for selfish-service

  3. Aortic

    Good stuff Rossleigh. I think it may have been the inimitable ” Diamond” Jim McClelland who said , ” Never hold a Royal Commission without knowing the results aforehand.” Never a truer word. Millions of dollars, millions of pages and a few minions retrenched or hit with a piece of wet lettuce, in a futile attempt to shore up the position of the spineless, vacuum that is purportedly our PM. For shame.

  4. Pilot

    Mate, they’re a f**king disgrace! The entire mob of fascist leaning, corrupt, greedy, lying arseholes need to be thrown unceremoniously from power. Their cheerleaders and public voices – MSM need to be held accountable for their corrupt misleading of the Australian people. Newscorp should be deregistered as an entity due to their deliberate publishing of lies and their deception.

    The really sad thing is that people truly believe the rubbish being broadcast. If the alternate government was given the same air time, the government support would be far lower than it is now. We are a society of mushrooms, but some get the light of day occasionally.

    If Mal instigates a banking royal commission, its terms of reference will be so narrow no truth will be forthcoming, and that is yet another disgraceful situation the majority of Australians will have to endure while the top end corruption continues. Thieves protecting thieves, what a disgrace!!

    Hardworking and disadvantaged Australians should be hitting the streets of every capital city to voice their disdain, vent their spleens against this corrupt administration.

    An utter disgrace!!!

  5. Terry2

    For the record, it now seems that Queensland Labor have achieved the required 47 seats to give them a working majority in the uni-cameral system whereas they were one short of that majority in the January 2015 election and governed successfully as a minority government with the support of independents including the two KAP elected members.

    Now they can govern in their own right. Quite an achievement when you consider the anti Labor campaign run by News Corp throughout Queensland and the amount of free coverage that One Nation gained from the media : One Nation achieved one seat.

    The best news is that Malcolm Roberts of the recent senate dual citizenship fiasco failed to gain the seat of Ipswich and hopefully will be seen no more in Australian public life : Santa came early !

  6. Rob

    The forthcoming Banking RC needs to be more than a side show. Mr Justice Owen who presided over the HIH Insurance disaster. Has got the Banking RC gig One of many parts in the 10,000 piece jigsaw. This one though has annoyingly lots of blue sky and can someone please find the corner pieces!! The right wing, neo-con, pre-federal election staging has begun. Now to find a publicly acceptable neo con face. In amongst a sea, no OCEAN of second level operators no different from Abbott and Turnbull, but less smelly and objectionable… to everyone.

    Face facts LNP, sniff sniff… you stink. Self serving manipulative, arrogant, just a few of their good points. IPA types wanting to stand for high Federal office. Get your parachutes out ( Georgie Downer et al ). The surgeon-general wishes to advise all IPA and other aspiring right wing, think tank types to remove silver spoons prior to boarding.

  7. Rob

    Terry2, indeed mr empirical failed. Won’t stop him though, He has the taste for public money in his pocket

  8. wam

    A great truth, rossleigh!

    The boys spent last week wisely with the banks providing a solution to malcolm’s some do some don’t problem.

    The bank now disappear and will end up under thousands of pages mostly showing ‘there was no alternative to the bank’s initiatives’.

    Your ‘women are not a minority group is nearly right.

    Sadly, women, beyond advertising, a common 10% of a month and motherhood. are not a group at all.

    That they should ever become one is the LNP nightmare and Labor’s fear..

    So go for the burkes, rushes and all the patronising bum patters with all the energy of your hearts.

    Remembering the hardest task will be the women who believe their inequality is god given.

  9. Vixstar

    Terry2 it was great news that Poorlean and friends didn’t get there 10 seats the Murdoch faux newscorp was sprouting, I am from Noosa and we had the biggest laugh of all ,the independent Sandy Bolton romped it home. The big man fròm the the liberal party thought he had it all sewed up for another 4 years he preferenced her 2nd , she preferenced him 5th and our Labor man prefenced her 2nd.

    The rusted on Liberal supporters are stunned , the older ones are declaring the sky has fallen.

    Well done Labor and our Anna now lets clean the rest of this country up and vote this mob to oblivion.

  10. Jaquix

    Vixstar – good for you electing a good Independent! Im on the Gold Coast where its wall to wall safe Liberal seats. But I notice the margins have been chipped away a bit more this time, so theyre not as safe as they once were. And one, Gaven, looks like being our first Labor seat. Next time with a Keneally-like campaign, Im sure another 2 could fall. Such a relief to hear Labor seems to have the magic 47 and still 4 seats in play. Also great relief that Pauline & Co. seem to have got only 1 seat – and going by past form with One Notion candidates, he’s likely to have a run in with her and go independent, before too long. Meanwhile in Canberra the nonsense continues….

  11. Vixstar

    Jacquix I have the Moet on Ice your Gaven looks fantastic and the greens are only in front by 4. Looks like a a

  12. Glenn Barry

    If Malcolm really has established the Banking RC as a farcical exercise to thwart an actual resolution to their nefarious behaviour, then the fallout will be so much worse.
    Do we think that what he has likely done – absolutely, will it cost him – absolutely – is he capable of thinking two moves ahead – NOPE

  13. Rossleigh

    Glen Barry, I’ve come to doubt his ability to think one step ahead.

  14. diannaart

    Turnbull will remain exactly the same until someone changes him…

  15. Shutterbug

    Rossleigh, I’ve come to doubt his ability to think, period.

  16. Glenn Barry

    Rossleigh, not ganging up on you, however I’ve concluded that I’m with shutterbug on this one

  17. Rossleigh

    Not wishing to be pedantic, but I did say, “I’ve come to doubt his ability to think one step ahead”, which implies that he has little or no ability to think at all. I know it’s a small defence, but it’s the sort of defence that we’ve come to know and love from our current government whenever they’ve been caught out. You know, sort of like we promised to deliver the NBN more quickly, we never promised that it would work. Or we said that power prices would be $500 cheaper once we removed the carbon tax, and they’re certainly $500 cheaper than they would be if they were $500 more than they are which they would be if Labor were still in charge.

  18. Florence nee Fedup

    Never hold a RC unless you know before hand what it will find.

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