When I made various predictions about Mr Abbott’s time as PM, there were those that scoffed. But I hate to say I told you so.
Ok, all right, he hasn’t actually declared the ACT the true Vatican City, and declared that not only is he the one, true Pope, but I consider the Prince Philip thing slightly less likely. And slightly more bizarre. So I’m putting that one down as a win.
Anyway, I’m about to make even more predictions based on getting three and a half out of the ten I made about Abbott have turned out to be true. (All right, it doesn’t sound impressive, but being completely wrong most of the time never stops politicians, racing and footy tipsters or economists. Even Steven Keane keeps predicting a crash to housing bubble in Australia, and eventually he’ll be right. The fact that he’s been predicting it since last century won’t stop him from saying, “I told you so, that house you paid a whopping $250k for back in 1998 is now worth a mere $1.3 million after the crash. I told you to sell back when it was worth $400k!”)
- Abbott will call a double dissolution in the next couple of months in the hope of forcing Murdoch to back him rather than risking a leadership spill so close to the election.
- No Murdoch journalist will write a word until after Murdoch has tweeted.
- Julie Bishop will have lunch with Murdoch where they’ll discuss whether she can become PM after Abbott wins the election.
- Murdoch will agree that it’s a fine idea, before ringing Bill Shorten to say that he’s always thought that he was a damn fine man, and – once he’s elected – could he perhaps ensure that those hot-heads in the Labor Party don’t do anything to upset his business interests.
- Shorten will play both sides of the fence.
- George Pell will tweet that social media is evil and only Abbott can save us from this electronic graffiti.
- Abbott will lose the election.
- Turnbull will suggest that, if you get tired of Bill, that he’s available as a compromise candidate for PM, because he’s pretty much prepared to say whatever he’s told so long as he’s given clear instructions.
- Christopher Pyne will become Opposition Leader because nobody else will want the job.
- At his first press conference, Pyne will say that he’s happy that Bishop will be his Deputy, because she’s done such as exceptional job as Speaker.
- When told that the Bishop who’s his deputy is Julie, not Bronwyn, he’ll claim that he didn’t read the final vote, and he’s happy with anyone who’s prepared to be his deputy because the important thing is to make sure people know exactly how much money Labor have wasted since being elected.
- Pyne will say that there’s no evidence of climate change and that there have always been polar bears floating on icebergs past Cairns.
- Rupert Murdoch will bet some other billionaire that he can make Pyne PM within three years.
- Bill Shorten will be surprised that no matter what he does, nobody likes him.
- His wife will tell him that it’s surprising, because they don’t even know how bad his breath is.
- In 2018, Christopher Pyne will declare that he’s been elected Prime Minister, but this will later change because – before he’s sworn in – 32 Liberals will move to the cross benches, saying that their best chance of being re-elected is as an Independent who actually says something intelligent instead of having to justify whatever crap the leader says. One of them will say, “Been there, done that, was given the T-shirt in the hope that I wouldn’t speak to the media, and this time I expected at least a better attempt at a bribe!”
- Abbott will drop dead and leave a dying request that he be buried on top of Rupert Murdoch.
- Rupert will point out that he’s not dead, but others will point out that Abbott was aware of this at the time.
- Peta Credlin will write an expose of her time in Canberra.
- Christopher Pyne will try to give her a knighthood, in spite of the fact that they were abolished in 2015.
Yeah, all right. But who’d have believed that Abbott would try to knight a Duke? I mean that can’t even be passed off as a chess move.
